Friday, December 24, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 43

Dear Santa,

I’ve tried real hard this year to be good and I think I was successful on that (well for the most part but how can you blame me for some of that naughty stuff?). So what I would love for Christmas is something real simple, I don’t want to go manic again. That’s it, and I know you probably really don’t have the pull for something like this but I figured you could at least pass along my request to the big man upstairs. I know it’s your busy time this year and trying to get through to Heaven during JC’s birthday is probably a nightmare but I’d really appreciate it. I mean look at this way, I’m giving you a reason to put down that tiny hammer that looks absolutely ridiculous in your normal human size hand and pick up that tiny phone and have a chat with the Almighty. I mean seriously when is the last time you two caught up? This way you can even wish JC a happy birthday at the same time (I can only imagine how they’re partying up there, I mean God’s sons birthday, has to be off the hook). I’m sure you have a lot on your plate right now so I’ll leave this short and to the point. No more psychotic manic episodes for me please. Thanks.

Merry Christmas!

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
(Since it’s my Dad’s birthday month I’ll be rocking Van Halen all December, Happy Birthday Stubby!)

Coming Correct,

Friday, December 17, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 42

After much encouragement from some of my readers (mainly family but I’ll take it) I’ve decided to try and market this blog a little more. During my last session with my counselor I accomplished two milestones, one I gave this link to him (welcome to .e4) and I believe I finally came to terms with how I want this all to go. He asked me when will I think I’ve made it?

“When I’ve helped someone, someone like me.”

Which sounds really good in all but it’s up to me to actually do it of course. I have always complained that in my biggest time of need I could find no information anywhere about this BMD that I could relate to (mood swings my ass, ask my mom if that’s what it’s like as I ball uncontrollably and beg not to hurt anyone) and now I’m doing the same. If I am the gatekeeper, as so is everyone else battling BMD, then what type of person would I be not to share a gift that I may have (it tis the season).

So of course my first act of business to market this craziness was to add my blog address to Bing and Google. As I was completing this task I began realizing that if I am to be successful in this and be true than everything must come out about my past, even the difficult things. I would like to introduce everyone to Tristan…

Tristan is last seen here with his only known accomplice, Boomer (far left). For a crash course on Booms and Trist here’s the story behind the picture. Halloween eve 200? when two young coeds are anxiously awaiting their dates for the movie Saw (perfect way to start the Halloween weekend wouldn’t you say). The doorbell rings and standing outside the door, grabbing their crotches, and mean mugging to all get out is Boomer and Tristan. They fill the night with beer, being bad, and “Fuckin’ Partying!!!”, needless to say I’m protecting the young lady tigers identities.

Tristan is somewhat of an alter-ego I suppose you could say but I haven’t heard of him lately so he was sort of out of sight out of mind (should of learned my lesson about that in North Carolina, I’m technically considered a bootlegger in that state). He use to wreck havoc on my social life in college randomly appearing at nights to totally offend girls and chase away any hopes of mine at being accepted (damn him, damn him).

Like I said I haven’t seen him or Boomer in awhile which is a good thing because like I said I’m trying to build this blog and the last thing I need is those two dicking off. Well of course I spoke too soon because there was a spotting of Boomer over the summer at the funnel slide (they looooove waterparks) in Browntown. I shrugged this off and paid little attention as I was trying to piece my life back together, mistake.

I received an anonymous tip to check out the following link I have no idea what he’s doing in Denver other than pissing off the locals but I’m beginning to get nervous. I mean just when I have built up enough confidence in myself to try and do something good he comes along and starts to ruin it. I’m fairly nervous that if I show my face in Denver ever again it could get ugly. On the brighter side he’s rockin’ a .e4 logo hat so big ups for that one Tristan, I’ll be seeing you soon…


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
(Since it’s my Dad’s birthday month I’ll be rocking Van Halen all December, Happy Birthday Stubby!)

Coming Correct,

Friday, December 10, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 41

I take a bite of the apple and suddenly the taste of bleach and of poison fill my mouth and I take off in a sprint towards my bathroom. The toxic smell of poison fills my nostrils as I kneel over the toilet and profusely dry heave. I haven’t really eaten in days so each acid reflux feels drier and drier until I’m merely spitting out saliva. I have eaten the forbidden fruit and this is my punishment, I am in purgatory.

I grab my wrist and feel around anxiously trying to find a pulse, a beat, a sign of life but nothing. I switch wrist and impatiently fumble around trying desperately to find evidence that I exist. I grab the side of my neck below my jaw line and squeeze slightly, I know I’ll find a beat here. After all those years in track and checking my pulse there is no way I’ll have trouble on my neck, it’s second nature. Nothing, I switch sides of my neck but to no avail. My legs are spread apart as I sit in my room and the realization that all of this is not real starts to creep into me. I frantically search my chest for my heartbeat, each second the paranoia grows and grows as my heartbeat is lost, I am in purgatory.

“The judge won’t be back until Monday, all the courts are closed.”
What judge? I admitted myself this time so there can’t be 72 hour hold on me I came in under my own free will. Wait, was it my own free will? Why do I have to see a judge if I did nothing wrong? Unless this is all real and I did start the apacolypse, is this a test of my faith? I did nothing wrong, I am in purgatory.

“What’s those?”
“You shouldn’t do that.”
“Why does it matter?”
“It matters to your family.”
“Yeah I’ve been talking to them more lately.”
“You should, they care.", I am in purgatory.

I was warned today to stop socializing with the others. I seem to be having a negative effect on one of the girls. It befuddles me that by trying to help I can do so much harm. What place am I in when simply talking with someone jeopardizes their well-being. I have only wanted to help others and now it seems I am the cause of so much pain that she stiffens up and freezes whenever I’m around. I don’t understand how she could help me so much yet when I try to return the favor I hurt her even more, I am in purgatory.

“How do you feel?”
“Good, like I’m back.”
“Well you’ll get your release today and you do have someone to pick you up?”
“Yeah, my Dad. The nurses told me this morning what time to have him come by.”
“The hospital will be in touch with you and Dr. Adler as well for the study, good luck.”

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
(Since it’s my Dad’s birthday month I’ll be rocking Van Halen all December, Happy Birthday Stubby!)

Coming Correct,

Friday, December 3, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 40

My Thanksgiving hunt was about as successful as my golfing skills (thru 12 holes at Pinehurst I had lost 10 balls, hit a barn, sent an old man with a bad hip running, and I mean drilled a house). I mean the hunt was so unsuccessful that I even upset a follower of .e4 (down to 17 from 18). I must really be on my game.

Seeing how my game makes me laugh I’m going to continue to share it with my now 17 followers. As I previously mentioned I’m back in the game and decided to give the online dating scene a try (I figure I buy sneakers online for double the monthly price so this is one hell of a deal), I’m beginning to realize I’m as bad at dating as I am at golf.

Maybe it’s my approach to blame but I find it humorous to reveal my stats. 10 emails sent (0 reply, haha), 0 emails received (1 wink but I think it was accidental), I managed to scare off a girl whose number I received two years ago (no idea how I managed that one considering I asked her out to COSI, yea I know great idea), and even was blown off by a friend of a friend who I merely said hello to and good luck (I’m totally stumped on that one). Of course you can imagine I’m beginning to doubt myself which is highly unusual for me (some say I have an air of confidence about me, other’s simply call me a dick).

Now because of this I decided to really focus when I was going through the picture menu on (eat your heart out Shoney’s). I obviously am looking for a tall blonde (shocker I know sis) who has a sense of humor ranked high (damn it I’m funny). I thought I had found her, tall, blonde, into sports, ranks laughter extremely high and is studying child psychology (perfect because I act like a kid (see profile quote above) from time to time and I’m Bipolar (we’ll have tons to talk about). Once again failure but it was funny (at least to me).

Here’s how it went down:

Email 1
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: Yeah I’m emailing on Thanksgiving…
Body: big whoop, wanna fight about it? I can't imagine how much shit you must catch on here for your screen name so big ups for staying true to that whore of a city up north (haha I kid I kid).
Response: Nothing (she’s a Michigan fan btw, I know I know)

Email 2
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…
Body: We're on our way home from our first date (it went well) when we get into a horrific car accident. My brother (yea in order for the joke to work there needs to be three people, he likes you though) and I are killed and are awaiting our entry into Heaven. At the gate St. Peter gives us the run down of how things operate there in Paradise. He points out the hot spots and warns us to steer clear of the ducks. See those ducks are the big man in charges prized possessions and he would be enraged if anything happened to them. Well I step up and decide that I'm going to just walk real cautiously and slowly paying attention to every step in order to not harm the ducks. Wouldn't you know it after three steps I step right on a duck, killing it and sealing my fate. St. Peter walks up and says you know you're going to have to be punished for this so I get handcuffed to the ugliest girl in heaven for all eternity (tough break). My brother steps up and just takes off in a dead sprint balls to the wall running and tramples a duck killing it. St. Peter comes over and since I already have the ugliest girl in heaven on my arm the second ugliest is handcuffed to him for eternity. A few months pass by and my brother and I (with our hideous cuffmates) are walking around heaven when we catch a glimpse of you across the way. You're handcuffed to the Brad Pitt of angels in heaven so we run over and ask:
"What happened? How in the hell are you handcuffed to that!?"
the Brad Pitt angel replies:
"I don't know, I just stepped on a damn duck."
hahaha anything? anything? That's like from middle school humor you gotta love that...
Response: Nothing

Email 3
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: My last try I promise…
Body: So obviously you're not into tall, dark, handsome, and funny guys so how about the adventurous type? Did I ever tell you the story about when I was rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Derek, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
"And?" you ask.
And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
I'm Derek and your name is?
Response: Nothing (haha)

Email 4 (Sent right after this post)
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: So I lied…
Response: TBC???

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
(Since it’s my Dad’s birthday month I’ll be rocking Van Halen all December, Happy Birthday Stubby!)

Coming Correct,

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 39

I am so thankful for having my libido back!

Ok now that we got that out of the way in honor of Thanksgiving let’s get down to what’s really important. Come Friday I will be on my way down to Charlotte for Cuzin Jen’s wedding and I couldn’t be more excited for those southern belles (making a country boy from Ohio get down on his knees and beg for more, haha). So in honor of hunting season and to celebrate my sex drive returning (so weird I know) we’re going on a little hunt this weekend and to accompany me on this epic adventure will be my wingman, brother, and all around good guy Poncho.

I spent 18 months in Atlanta posing as an apprentice/account executive at the tizzle to learn the culture and ways of the southern belle. These women are so far different than anything I’ve encountered in my life (they’re nice and sweet more than once every three Saturdays) and it takes dedication, passion, balance, and awareness (.e4 reference) to attract one of these beauties so we’ll have our work cut out for us.

In preparation for the hunt I spent last Friday out in the Nasty drinking a few (conspiracy theory alert) and casually watching my friends pull some random intoxicated girl into their car and speed away (don’t worry we found them at the next bar). As I mentioned my libido has recently resurfaced which is great for me and really bad for the single women in a 60 mile radius of Grape Grove (btw I tried the singles night at the Grape Grove Church of Christ, not really the turnout I was looking for). For some unknown and unfair reason whenever I’m manic or depressed or recovering from one of the two from this BMD I lose my sex drive (I’m still a man and do seize the moment if it arises but my heart isn’t really into it, which probably drops me from a 5 to a 3). This equates to about 30 days in the past three years that my libido was alive and kicking.

Needless to say I’m back in the game and have the bruises on my chest/nips from our tagalong mentioned earlier to prove it (she was such a giver). Now I know the belles will not fall for anything close to resembling that effort on my part (I once had to spend 7 months ignoring one just to get her to notice me, it was well worth it though just ask most of my southern guy friends, they’d agree). In all fairness this girl did have a pet alligator growing up and if she was from up here I would have had to fight off a dozen bandannas with I <3 vagina t-shirts (if you have to buy merchandise that reads “I <3 Vagina”, I don’t think you’re getting much of it) every time we went out, yea she was pretty.

I guess the point of this post is that with Poncho’s uncanny whimsical pick up lines (How much does a polar bear weigh?) and my keen knowledge of the southern belle should provide ourselves with a fairly eventful trip down south. I’ll be sure to let you all know how things turn out but I have a real good feeling about this. I haven’t felt this good in awhile almost like I’m finally accepting what I am suppose to be with this BMD. I’m really glad it included my libido, I’m just hoping if I am successful on my thanksgiving hunt that she wants to keep the lights off, I don’t know how I’d explain the bruises.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, November 19, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 38

I cry it out of me
I laugh it out of me
I run it out of me
I write it out of me
I lift it out of me
I rage it out of me
I drive it out of me
I medicate it out of me
I drink it out of me
I dance it out of me
I fight it out of me
I smoke it out of me
I sing it out of me
I play it out of me
I type it out of me
I ski it out of me
I yell it out of me
I pray it out of me
I work it out of me
I golf it out of me
I shoot it out of me
I star-gaze it out of me
I read it out of me
I relax it out of me
I celebrate it out of me
I battle it out of me
I care it out of me
I draw it out of me
I trick it out of me
I force it out of me
I hate it out of me
I love it out of me

It is me…

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, November 12, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 37

“As much hell as it’s been the past three years, and I know it’s been hell Derek, Bipolar Disorder does have its gifts, maybe small but they are there.”

I forgot how much I love the country night sky. The past week I took a couple nights to wander out into the pasture beside the house to get away (or look like a crazy person standing in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere). It’s been ten years since I’ve been truly back to the country and I missed how peaceful it can be (and how irritating, Mickey Mouse 3-Derek 0).

I use to spend just about every fall/winter night in our hot tub getting away from it all and being lost in the night sky (well at mom’s at least, Stubby’s is a different story). Some people I suppose use meditation, some read, others veg out in front of the tube, some drive to nowhere, others watch sunsets to free themselves, I just prefer the cliché 1970’s porn set of a hot tub at night under the stars (just a romantic at heart I suppose).

So of course with the way things have been going lately our hot tub dies a couple weeks ago. To compensate for this I wandered out to the pasture this week to look up at the sky. After the coyotes stopped crying (just about right on que) and the dogs stopped howling I found myself surrounded by nothing, it was great.

It was cool out and the wind had died down from the day with the night breeze minimal at best. The air was calm and the world seemed asleep, I was alone out there and I wasn’t scared of that fact for the first time in awhile. I lifted my head and caught a glimpse of a shooting star in the East and literally laughed aloud. I hadn’t seen a shooting star in so long I forgot they even existed. At about the time I get back to focusing on the sky another shooting star came from the West (I literally looked like a crazy person when I started laughing aloud to myself at the sheer sight of this second shooting star). The next time I went out I saw two more shooting stars in the sky and it made me glad I didn’t swallow those pills three years ago.

My new counselor and I have been working on taking a new perspective or approach to fighting this BMD. Focusing on the little gifts it provides that seem so insignificant at first. Similar to falling rocks in space that seemingly have no purpose or reason to exist aside to fall; up until they hit Earth’s atmosphere and begin to heat up and burn. Glowing hotter and hotter one by one they light up the country sky giving me a show I can’t pay for in any theater, cinema, or venue (and also making me look crazy).

That’s the reason I haven’t let quitting my job bother me, I’m starting to see the little gifts in my life more and more.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, November 5, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 36

Letter of Resignation (Health Reasons)

Hello (Radio Edit),

I wanted to begin this letter by thanking you and (Radio Edit) with this opportunity that I was looking forward to. However the past three years I have been battling a health issue that I was confident we had under control. Unfortunately symptoms reappeared during training yesterday and after discussions with my doctors they have advised me to take the treatment in another direction. This change in treatment will require me to resign effective immediately to concentrate on my health. My apologies for this as no one is more disappointed than me but my health must take priority over my career at this point.

Thank you once again for your time,
Good luck in the future,
Derek L. Thompson

I am becoming quite comfortable (and quite good I might add) at writing these letters of resignation you see above. When I started at the tizzle (that’s AT&T unhipsters) I recall one of my apprentice (scarily they gave me three to train, of which one is needing some help so visit htt p:// to vote) remarking that I would be a lifer. I didn’t object to it the least bit, I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with so I didn’t see any immediate reason to leave (a psychotic manic episode changes that of course). I guess the point I’m driving to is that I never imagined myself quitting a job after college, now I’ve quit four in the past three years (isn’t it ironic, don’t ya think?).

What’s new about this last resignation is that while I’m disappointed it didn’t work out I’m not the least bit frustrated with it. Following the previous three resignations I was so upset and frustrated that it took me a month to get my head straight (this time it took from the drive from Nashville to Louisville, not too shabby). I think there are two reasons for this change; I saw it coming and my new doc’s (amazing I know).

My first day of training went really well and I enjoyed myself. That night I laid down and nothing went through my mind (well about 2 or 3 thoughts at a time but that’s nothing to me). I was able to focus without much work and my mind was at peace. I wasn't tensed up at all and I was completely relaxed with a calm sensation engulfing me, it was great. For the first time in years I wasn’t wound a little tight, my mind wasn’t chasing ideas from here to there and back. I felt at peace…something was wrong with how good I felt.

I was right, an hour and a half into my next day of training my head began to hurt and my stomach felt nauseous. I step outside to get some air and it hits me, I spend the next couple of hours fighting off my mania has it comes at me in waves sending me up and down and bringing me to my knees until I give up and quit my job and drive home. I’m just glad I saw it coming and was able to catch it before something a lot worse than quiting my job resulted (see psyche ward entries).


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, October 29, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 35

I can count the number of times I’ve been in a fight in my life on Stubby’s left hand (0).

That’s not to say I haven’t had my run-ins, tiffs, quarrels, disagreements, confrontation, argument, or push-off but that’s about where it ends. I suppose I’ve always figured that I would lose any fight I was in so why even mess with the whole defeat aspect and avoid the fight all together (some say I’m a lover not a fighter, or they call me a wimp). Maybe it was my tape-wormish figure I had the majority of my life, maybe it was fear of failure, maybe it was I was faster than everyone else, maybe I wasn’t suppose to fight until now.

I’m really looking forward to the holidays that are coming up because I feel like I missed them last year (being manic and all for X-mas and building my way there at Thanksgiving). Growing up my favorite part of the holidays wasn’t the food, the stories, the gifts, the family, none of that traditional stuff, I loved Euchre. For my southern friends you’ll have to google that game and will probably hate on it (just like you hate on everything North, we do the same to the South anyways) but for everyone else you know what I’m talking about.

Nothing caps the family get together off quite like being in the barn and milking those udders in front of your Uncles. I have determined that there are two ways to play Euchre, each effective in their own right. The first is the traditional honest and rule fearing way that the majority of the world plays, and then there’s the table talk, reneging, and questionable methods of play way. I like to play the latter of the two, it’s just a little more fun (be easy on me it’s not totally my fault, it runs in the family; right Aunt Nene).

There have been some consequences for my actions and I’d like to share one of those times with everyone. The year was somewhere around the late nineties and I was early into my hoops earrings stretch of my life. It was the Thompson Family Christmas (with live reenactment of the Nativity Scene, dibs on Joseph) and the games of Euchre were starting to heat up. Being the two oldest Cuzin Jen and I of course played together (she’s just an innocent bystander) and were locked up against Aunt Nancy and her insignificant partner for this story. The game is close and we squeak out a couple point victory on a hand that I cheat with. Aunt Nancy was having trouble figuring out why she lost the final hand so I remark with a smirk:

“Well I’ve been reneging the whole time.”

Aunt Nancy storms out of the room and refuses to play Euchre with me to this day. It’s crazy to think about sometimes that I’m going to spend the rest of my life fighting something that is stronger, bigger, smarter, more experienced, relentless, intimidating, craftier, and overall just a sonofabitch that fights any way but fair (I’ve mentioned this before). It makes me laugh to think that I avoided fights my entire life and now I’m going to be fighting in one with an opponent that simply is better than me for the rest of my life. It’s probably a good thing I like to cheat.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, October 22, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 34

Last week a woman said those three little words to me that all single men fear:

“You’re cut off.”

Yes my new doc has cut me off from the one thing I thought I had a shot at for some sort of normalcy in my life. This wasn’t due to my usage (I was pretty good at that) but rather the fact that there have been instances of instant death when combining too much alcohol with lithium (could of known that 8 months ago). Of course when I asked how and why I received the standard BMD medical response:

“We don’t know.”

And before anyone has to asks I’m man enough to admit it, yes I cried when they took it away (sucker punched my ass). I wasn’t upset that I had to quit drinking (well 2 drink maximum) but rather the fact that it just felt like once again something was being taken from me and no one can tell me exactly why. I felt I had already given up so much in my life and drinking was the last thing that was familiar to me. I knew what it was like to drink with my friends and feel somewhat as close to my old self as any other time.

So once I got that out I felt better and made the wise decision to stop drinking and stay on my lithium (I like breathing a little more than drinking, just a little though). I could of explored other medicines that would allow me to drink on them but my lithium seems to be working right now and I’m not a big fan of fixing something that’s not broke (hell I can’t fix something that is broke). Adding a new “medicine” to my system is an experience I’d like to limit as much as possible. The next time you see a commercial for the “medicine” Abilify pay attention to the possible side effects, I was fortunate to have a majority of them (the involuntary spasms were wicked).

After three years of what seemed like continuous failure things are starting to turn a bit. I’ve finally got insurance (I’m killing their bottom line but they have to play nice), my lithium levels are normal, I like my new doc and counselor (kind of a shocker), new job, place is coming together, new vehicle (very soon, the Toyota’s 238K probably isn’t reliable for a traveling sales job), and if I have to trade some hangovers for that, I’ll be just fine.

On a lighter note I use to try and pride myself on having clever or witty remarks about my facebook page (purely for my entertainment alone) but due to moving out to the country I didn’t have Internet service for the first month or so. This didn’t allow me to keep up with my updates on my page so in honor of the alcohol prohibition put on my life I dedicated my page to the only girl that I can still out drink; Fisher.

This snake from the plains (a select few will get that) use to constantly barrage me in college with the challenge that every guy rolls his eyes at when coming from a girl:

“I can out drink you!”

Of course I tell her she drinks like a girl and accept the challenge (that’s that Trojan pride) and it was a close challenge. Up until I was informed that she was under the ping pong table…she drinks like a girl (and so do I now, it even says it on my facebook page).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, October 15, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 33

“Hi everybody, my name is Dave and I’ll be leading the group today. I wanted to welcome everyone back and send out a warm welcome to our newcomer. Once again please feel free to share as much or as little as you like but please do have respect for the others in the group. Tonight I wanted to concentrate on what irritates or angers you the most when it comes to dealing with Bipolar Disorder. Is there anyone one who would like to start things off? Oh great our newcomer, go ahead but before you start just let everyone know your name and background.”

“Oh ok, well my name is Derek and I was diagnosed in early 2008. I have had two psychotic manic episodes since 2008 which are mostly characterized by hallucinations, delusional thinking, and feelings of grandiosity. I hate it when my BMD takes away my personality.

I have been through adversity in my life just as so many others have as well and even more will have to in the future but nothing could have prepared me for this. My entire life I was under the belief that if you work hard, do the right things, put your head down, punch the clock, take pride in yourself and your work that eventually it will pay off. I was doing just that, I studied in school and worked hard enough to get into the college of my choice, I may have slacked a tiny bit in school (the whole five year thing) but I got a great apprenticeship for a prominent telecom company and was working my way up the ladder. I had spent three years getting my ass kicked but learning as much as possible and working as hard as possible. I was the future and the life I had been working so hard to achieve was a mere two weeks away in California, and then I was convinced I was chosen by the Knights Templar to protect a secret that could change the course of history, I was manic for the first time.

In the time I should have been spending packing my belongings, securing an apartment in San Jose, tying up loose ends at my job while familiarizing myself with my new in business in silicon valley I spent avoiding the “eye in the sky” and decoding governmental (Freemason) symbols throughout the city of Denver. I “pushed” my friends towards the light and “shielded” them from the dangers of the other side. I solved the equation of life (I’m not ready to give that secret up quite yet) and “time traveled” into my primal ancestors.

The crazy thing (pun intended) was even after experiencing all that my mania has to throw at me I still do not fear it, I fear and hate my depression and it’s after effects. It’s my depression that consumes me whole and pushes everything away from me. It is one mean sonofabitch that fights anyway but fair. The harder I work the deeper I feel I fall. I begin to lose my personality and identity as all my energy is focused on fighting back the darkness inside me, the twisted thoughts that take me from reality into a world filled with emptiness, loneliness, solidarity, and worthlessness. I barely smile, laugh and forget what happiness feels like, I lose my identity/personality and that is what I hate the most; trying so hard yet still not being myself.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Monday, September 27, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 32

Rat Tail
Z’s on the side
Cowboy Boots
Osh Kosh B’Gosh Bibs

If you got halfway down this list and instantly pictured me as a young boy I am a little more than concerned (aside from you Mom). But that is exactly the look I use to rock back in the eighties (dead sexy I know). Over the years my haircut decisions didn’t get much better; being the grass fairy I was the bowl cut slipped in somewhere in the early nineties and was persistent enough to make it to High School. I would make tiny alterations to my bowl which included shaving underneath and putting my number shaved in my head (can’t believe I had my V Card till my late teens).

My number growing up was the number five and to be honest I have no idea why I chose that number. I think it was an omen of some kind to tell my future self (me now) that my fifth doctor I see will be the last (it’s a stretch but does give me hope).

Since I was able to get insurance I’ve been on the hunt for a new doc. The UC doc was great but doesn’t have a private practice so it was back to the hunt. I’ll admit that I’m not the most cooperating patient due to my trust issues I’ve had so far with my docs. My first doc in Colorado I was sent to after I was released from club psych ward Porter Hospital branch was really easy to find. This was probably due to the fact that the doc’s office was in the Kaiser Permanente building in Denver. Kaiser Permanente was my insurance so really easy to remember (I wonder who’s interest this doc had in mind? Probably not the guy making him work on Friday afternoon, that was me).

I will say though the next couple of docs were real pieces of works of which my last first doc’s appointment involved the following closing arguments from myself:


Needless to say our relationship didn’t progress past the initial meeting. I do like my new doc but there is one little annoyance (ok two, she calls BMD my illness, not a fan of that) she wants me to take another medicine to help level me out. I told her I’d do the research over it and let her know but I highly doubt I add anything, I feel my lithium is working and my side effects are nearly gone save the occasional instance when I’m sliding into third and feel a little turd, diarrhea (Redlegs magic number is 1, got my playoff tickets and look for me to rebuttal Colin Cowherd’s ridiculous Reds rants of regularity).

This is the fifth doc I’ve seen and that would make the soccer number shaved prophecy come true but I'm having difficulty trusting someone after spending only twenty minutes together she is wanting to medicate me more (kind of feel like she's pushing her own agenda rather than treating me). All I hear about is trying to level me out, what’s good about that? This BMD is all over the place and by numbing me into a level someone else feels comfortable about is not living, and I’m not going to do it.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, September 17, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 31

“Feelings of oneness with the entire universe. Visions and images of distant times and places. Sensations of vibrant currents of energy coursing through the body, accompanied by spasms of violent trembling. Visions of deities, demigods, and demons. Vivid flashes of light and rainbow colors. Fears of impending insanity, even death (Grof, 1989, Spiritual Emergency).”

This is the opening paragraph to a book I read last summer (be impressed). I suppose I was searching for an answer of what this BMD was. I had just quit my second job in as many years due to my mania and I was completely confused. I just wanted to know what this was.

I spent hours online googling and reading any site I could over the subject of BMD (maybe redtube every once in awhile). All the medical sites and information where too general to even attempt to be helpful and too sugarcoated for my likes (random but I also wasted like an hour watching some dude on myspace named Bipolar Man, wacky stuff). Their definition and list of symptoms for BMD sounded like a veterinary describing the behavior of a kitten (google it, screw it I’ll do it for you:

Long period of feeling “high”, or an overly happy or outgoing mood
Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling “jumpy” or “wired”
Being easily distracted
Being restless
+ Behaving impulsively and taking part in a lot of pleasurable high-risk behaviors
= Spanky the Kitten)

I was frustrated because I couldn’t tell which of the following two things was happening; either what I experienced was so rare that no information existed or people weren’t being honest. The more I get involved with this BMD in all its facets the more I’m beginning to believe that I’m not out of the ordinary, that there are others out there who have experienced similar episodes but for some reason or the other aren’t being heard in the medical field. I’m beginning to think that the real side of BMD is hidden away by the gate keepers for reasons that benefit themselves. It’s difficult to talk about one’s weaknesses and troubles, especially when they involve mental issues but I can’t buy that as an excuse.

During my last getaway at club psych ward (southside!) I was able to meet a mother and daughter that truly inspired me. The daughter was in the unit with me and was fighting her own battles and demons yet when she spoke of her mother there was something that lifted her. During groups she would tell stories about the troubles her family and especially her mother have been faced with. They faced daily challenges that I have difficulty comprehending, they should be broken and without hope. I met her mother the day I was released and I’ll never forget the few minutes we shared.

She had just been released from the hospital that day after battling an illness yet she was still there for her daughter. She struggled to stand up as we were introduced due to only having one arm and one leg. She smiled at me and we chatted for a few minutes and I was astounded at her will and strength and overcome by her outlook in life. These two women who have every reason in the world to hide from the truth and abandon hope are actually lifting me up.

Keep faith she says…


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 30

I really need to begin this post off with an apology. To the woman (of course) driving down I-71 South this morning on the way to The Nasty in her white four door, I’m really sorry. This (I swear) is only my second real experience with what some would call road rage. I apologize for riding your bumper and laying on the horn. I shouldn’t have been giving you the finger or yelling out how intelligent I thought you weren’t. You just caught me on a bad day but that’s no excuse, I’m sincerely sorry.

Not that there’s any chance that this woman would ever read this blog (she’s not cool enough) but I felt I needed to publicly apologize for my behavior (whether it was rightfully deserved or not (it was though)). Pre-episodes I was always too busy dancing in my car to get any kind of worked up about being cut off. Since my episode deuce I’ve road raged twice, nothing too serious but I wanted to let the other drivers know I was pissed (pretty sure they got the point). It’s almost a little gratifying for me to experience rage or any other emotion other than the classic “What am I gonna do with my life now?” feeling I’ve had lately so I’m not too upset about my behavior.

I was on my way down to The Nasty this morning to drop off my car (big body beamer) since the lease is up this weekend. I suppose that was the reason that I wasn’t having the best day. Even though I wasn’t sad or disappointed that I couldn’t keep the car (when you’re on a sabbatical from life a beamer payment doesn’t equate well) it did feel as though what was my life three years ago is all but gone now.

While driving it for the last time I began thinking about my first ride from Colorado Springs back to Denver with my first big boy purchase ever. I was taking a lateral move for the tizzle but it meant a step up in terms of module size and responsibilities (basically a promotion but without the cake). I was moving to outside sales and felt it was more practical and professional to pick up clients in something other than a lifted jeep wrangler (jeep wave). I was moving to California in a matter of weeks and after three years of getting my tail kicked in I felt like the j-o-b was starting to click.

Of course we all know what happens next but I’ll still try to summarize in case; running around half naked through apartment building, obsessive showering, Jimi Hendrix, house climbing, attempted car jumping, CIA, no handlebars, spiritual mission, roof sliding, cable snakes, Guitar Hero, good vs. evil, psych ward, bipolar.

At about this point in my mind wandering the old lady deliberately cut me off to save being stuck behind a semi (she did use her blinker which she probably thought meant it was ok). So once again I’m sorry for the scare and rage on my end. However I’d also like to thank you because I had forgotten what it felt like to have passion for something. The past few months I haven’t felt anything other than concern for what’s going to happen next rather than enjoying the ride. So while I really hope the whole road rage is behind me I’m pretty glad it happened, I think sometimes I get too ahead of myself by looking in the past. I get caught up on where I’ve been rather than seeing what’s happening right in front of me. Thanks lady for being a shitty driver, it turned my day around.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 29

Growing up I seemed always to pride myself on my ability to dominate a game of hide and seek. I was always a little quicker than everyone else which played huge in my seeking skills and my slender and agile body build (some may know it as chicken leg syndrome) allowed for great hides. I was so talented at this game that my aunt almost reported me as a missing person (yeah I was that good). Anyhow I decided to try a little hide and seek game with my mania but I’ve learned you can’t hide from fate, especially when it’s Jay Cutler (my arch nemesis).

As some of you may recall I’ve had my “run-ins” with Jay in the past and we’ve had our differences. Well I hadn’t put very much thought to old Jay lately due to my moving back home (and then out to the country), trying to find insurance (finally did, thank you very little), and trying to figure out my next steps (I struck out on my Blue Jackets Internship (haters) so onto the next). But that all changed this Sunday.

As is common knowledge all Sunday’s immediately follow Saturday nights so my story begins (with a coincidence I just noticed, weird) at the ballpark with the Reds versus the Chicago Chubs this past Saturday. This was my first experience in the Diamond seats (all you can eat and drink, real nice place) where I almost make it 15 feet into the door before heckling a Chubs fan (her rebuttal to my heckling was; “ooohhh whatever”, point Derek) and then settled nicely into a few beers. The rest of the night was filled with reminiscing and then forgetting what you were reminiscing about (oh what sweet almost memories). The next day I woke up and found that a cat had shit in my mouth (not literally but tasted a lot like it, don’t ask me how I know that.)

I’m now living out in the sticks with Stubby so I hightail it home in time to watch (or sleep through) the Reds game. I think I’m going to enjoy living out in the sticks for awhile (I mean nothing else has worked so why not). I’ve got a lot more space out there and it’s peaceful (probably two things that couldn’t hurt me right about meow). I’m having some childhood memories come back to me from spending my time growing up out there (from G’ma’s raspberry pies to trying to not lose a finger in the planter with G’pa). I think this place is a good stepping stone to whatever may lay next for me. The only issue is we are so far out in the boondocks that I haven’t found Internet service yet (this means I have to come to Browntown to jump online, inconvenient).

Without the World Wide Web (still don’t know why people don’t use that term more often, it’s kind of fun to say) it was a little difficult to draft my fantasy football team (Yes my name is Cap’n Geech, but Shrimp Shack Shooters wouldn’t fit, close enough). Luckily the worldwide leader in sports also has auto draft so I let fate run its course. But for the record please let it be shown that I moved away from Chicago and let Jay have the town without any of a fight (just the type of guy I am). I packed up and moved out to South Solon (my road doesn’t even have lines) to get away from it all and find myself.

What does fate do to me after my attempts to play nice? It goes ahead and drafts Jay Cutler as my fantasy football quarterback (that’s cold).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 28

How much does a polar bear weigh?
Enough to break the ice, hi I’m Derek.

Now what women could resist that charm and humor? Well apparently at least three from The Nasty via (I couldn’t believe it either).

A peculiar new thing my mania has decided to start playing with me on is my self confidence. I’ve never really had a problem with this before (some may say a bit dickish, but you’ll have that) because I was usually pretty confident in the person I was. I had everything planned out in my head on how my life would take shape. I’m sure just about everyone does this whether they intend to or not, human nature I suppose.

However the farm gene that seems to be in all my relatives somehow missed me (it just kind of skipped me for some reason, probably to make room for the whole BMD gene, what’s the odds?) so growing up I knew in order to make it I’m going to have to educate myself. So that’s of course what I did (liked it so much I repeated kindergarten and my senior collegiate year (graduating college in four years is like leaving the party at ten)) and once I finally appeared to be graduating I took the next step and got a job. I worked hard and found success and could see my plan coming together.

This of course came to a screeching halt (figuratively and literally as I tried to drive my car off the top of a parking garage, who does that?) during episode uno. I saw everything I worked for disappear which included my confidence. Coming to terms with my psychotic manic episodes filled with hallucinations and delusions actually came pretty easy to me (so weird I know). Yet finding worth in myself is something I struggle with on a nearly daily basis.

So in order to counter this I decided to give myself a little pick me up. You know go after the sure thing to boost the ole self esteem and get you back on track. When I had to resign from my internship in the city of wind and knew I would be having to move back home and basically start over again I needed a boost. I needed something that would be a fun activity to entertain myself for the next month until I moved and boost my confidence (of course I immediately thought of online dating).

That whole eHarmony jazz looks way too complicated for me (how do you order a date, it kind of feels like prostitution) so I hopped on board for one month of service at My idea was to write about my online dating experiences to provide even further entertainment for my readers (I’m so dedicated to you all). I’m not the greatest at reality dating so I figured I’d be even worse online and it would be hilarious. I also felt this would be the self-confidence booster I needed to pick me up after falling on my face again. I mean how hard can it be to get some action via online dating right?

Wrong, I once again amazed myself at how bad I must be at this whole dating thing considering I got zero, I repeat zero, responses from my polar bear line (I will admit rejection online is a lot easier to deal with though).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 27

As I was checking out the automated ProAcitv machine at the mall I came to a little bit of a realization for myself, I’m going through puberty again. Let me tell you the first time around was not all that great of an experience either. My reasons for this realization are as follows;

1. My face is breaking out like I’m 15.
2. I haven’t had any sort of opposite sex interaction in awhile.
3. My voice keeps cracking in and out.
4. My bedroom is across from my parents.
5. I’ve been to the mall three times in the past week and I’m going back tonight.

I really wish I had some clever tie-in with these and my mania but really I don’t. I am just completely weirded out by this and decided to share it (btw the ProActiv Machine is incredibly weird and legit at the same time).

This week would have been my final week at my internship in Chicago and while I’m disappointed that I wasn’t able to complete it I don’t feel like I missed out on much (well a few things but nothing a claw game can’t fix). I think I would had been pretty good there and even make it in the city of wind if my mania wouldn’t have gotten in the way but that doesn’t really change anything. I’ve made my New Year’s Resolution (so sue me cuz I’m eight months late but I get a pass considering I was locked up in Southside! during NYE) and that’s to look more to the future than the past.

I’ve been pretty hard on myself lately and worrying so much about what happened rather than being optimistic for what might be coming. I know I’m going to have my good and bad days but lately I’ve been letting my bad days take over my good. Maybe I’m being too lazy because it’s easier to not give a shit but I’m not very good at that either.

Lately it’s almost as if I’m getting down on myself for giving too much of a shit (first post with 2 curse words, probably be a trivia question later). I’ve decided to take the rest of the year off and focus on getting some sort of healthcare (probably should have done that earlier, my bad my blunder), finding a doc (and trying not to be a dick to them) and figuring out my next move. This should be a pretty simple few tasks to complete and then take a sabbatical from life, any normal person would agree. But for some reason I seem to have a lot of problems at it.

Just a final thought on my puberty experiences of late, I wanted to bring up that if any female asks for my number tonight at the mall I will give it to them (sounds really creepy, ok it kind of really is). See my first go around with the big P I was at the mall (of course) and a girl asked for my number. I immediately said I didn’t have a phone (bad lie) and it wasn’t because I didn't want to, mainly I was totally shocked by the request that I got scared so I lied (I still regret, and don’t quite understand this, to the day).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 26

The start of football season is just around the corner which means I’m getting peer pressured to join Fantasy Football Leagues (dibs on team name "Cap'n Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters"), planning road trips (Oct 24th A-town, child please!) and checking out the lines for the upcoming year. Last year I was only three games away from pulling in six grand and high jacking a plane to awesomeville so this year I feel like I have some expectations to live up to. As always I’ll take a look at the over under for the Bengals (8, if I was a betting man I’d take the over; and I am so I will), odds at winning the Super Bowl (off the board right now, thanks a ton Brett) and I’ve added one this year that is the over under of phone calls I’ll make before being able to get a doctor’s appointment.

Finding a doctor that will see you without insurance is about as easy as Pittsburg Steelers fans acting like they’re not conceded pricks. When I left the hospital in Cincinnati (Southside!) I was first a participant in a study being conducted through the hospital and UC so I was “lucky enough” to see a doctor once a week for 10 weeks. I used the air quotes for lucky enough sarcastically in case anyone was running a little slow today. I suppose I should be grateful for the help I received while in the study but it just became annoying. Every week I had the opportunity to be a learning tool for a new assistant still getting the hang of taking blood (that was as fun as it sounds). Then I was able to describe my emotions and feelings and mania to someone who really can’t relate. It seems to me that being in a manic episode and then trying to describe this to someone who hasn’t would compare to trying to describe a sunset to a blind person, it’s just something you need to experience. In any manner at least I was seeing a doc and having my prescription wrote (written? wrought? whatever).

Once I left the study I was aligned with an organization that was a sort of middleman to align me with the guys with the good stuff (really starting to sound like a drug deal, probably because it is). My first assessment determined that I was an addict and attempted to put me in outpatient rehab (no thank you) where my behavior to addiction would be emphasized and mental health put to the side. This of course would have been great if I was addicted to anything other than being sweet and I wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and suffering from chronic psychotic episodes (but I’m sure Bud Light is my problem). So next I’m referred to a service that concentrates on addressing my mental condition and issues but alas I don’t have a medicare/caide/whoknows card (because I never conducted my phone interview, of which I was never called so naturally that’s my fault) so they can’t accept me. After sliding my doc a few extra bones (I kid I kid) he wrote me a prescription and I took off for the city of wind (mistake).

After three phone calls, two denials, one unreturned message and a near episode I decide to move back to Ohio (there were a few other stories in there that I’ll share when I’m more comfortable with our relationship). So now I’m back in Clark County (largest metal grain bin in the Midwest) and back to my search for help. To be fair since I’ve returned I’ve made five phone calls since last week and I’m still without an appointment so I’m going to put the over under at 9. This I believe is a fair enough money to attract betters on both sides of the line and provide a little change in my pocket (there’s plenty of room, it’s not like I have my medicine in there or anything).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 25

“Hello I’m Jim Gray and you are reading a historic event for .e4. Today on this post d01roK will announce his final answer on where he will take his talents for the upcoming season. The process of deliberating one’s future is undoubtedly as common as brushing your teeth in the morning but The Deliberation has us all on the edge of our seats. Before we continue on we would like to thank NAMI for exploiting their cause by allowing The Deliberation to take part within their walls. Now without further delay please welcome d01roK to The Deliberation.”

“Thanks Jim it’s great to be here and share this moment with the 17 people that read my blog. It really feels like most of them are family and friends and it’s great to have the opportunity to share this with them. I do have to admit that Jim you weren’t my first option to host The Deliberation due to the total lack of respect I have for you as a reporter but no one else would return my calls.”

“Fair enough, I respect your honesty. Now let’s get down to the tough questions that I know all the readers out there are dying to know. Over the past few weeks you have given hints that you planned on taking six months off after the issues you had in Chicago, is this correct?”


“Is it true that there is a new opportunity that has revealed itself as an internship with the Columbus Blue Jackets that made you begin to deliberate?”

“It is.”

“How many people know what the end result of The Deliberation is?”


“Did you just come to this conclusion this morning?”

“Just this morning.”

“How difficult was it, the whole deliberation process?”


“Are you ready to share this with the your readers?”

“I am.”

“d01roK what’s is the answer to The Deliberation?”

“Jim, I’m going to be taking my talents due East to Columbus and call back the Blue Jackets to set up an interview for the internship.”

“Wait, The Deliberation was just to decide whether or not to return a call from the Blue Jackets and set up an interview for an internship?”

“Yea Jim, now you know why no one would return my calls to host The Deliberation.”


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 24

.i am constantly aksed the same question whenever someone learns of my disordeR .they always seam to desire to no what exactly its likE ?after I tell that i suffer from severe manic episodes witch feature hallucinations, delusional thoughts, and schizophrenic symptoms they ask; what’s it likE .at first I tried to explain it to them in medical terminologY .i would discuss how the brain has chemical reactions and the episodes are direct results of these chemical reactionS .of corse this really didn’t shed any lite on the subject so i decided to try and get a little more in deptH .I wood start out by describing what first starts to happen to me physicallY .my hands and arms first begin to tingle and become red and sore (knot always but enough to lead my mind into believing their signs of stigmatA) .next a sensation that can only be compared to orgasmic (so gross I know) travels up my spine and down my legS .my surroundings begin to take form, not physical form but a feeling of connection overtakes me with theM .time and space become one inn front of me and it feels as though i am at the center of it alL .as if everything before me was put there deliberately to serve this purpose at this moment for me to understanD .this euphoric feeling intensifies and thoughts of grandiosity begin shooting intwo my mind at a pace that throws my world in a tailspiN .i no that it all cannot be true but my perception of reality becomes fogged by the sheer enjoyment of understanding the true meaning of everythinG .at about this point in time (or actually timelessness as this aspect has set it and i become trapped between reality and fantasy where time stops) i begin to see the purpose of this all and become aware that this is not about me, but rather about what I’m trying to bE .there is undoubtedly good and evil in the world and each is just as powerful as the otheR .i become obsessed with this struggle inside myself and am determined to out play the others set out to bring harm to the worlD .i am being tested to reveal my true character and define the type of man i am, compared to the person I believe myself to bE .this game continues on and my episode intensifies as I get lost in my mind and fantasy becomes reality where reality fails to answer the questions continuing to pile up in my heaD .i spend hours into days fighting against myself to understand what is happening and debating if the impossible is reaL .voices call to me, the world begins to pass by in harmony, emotions become blurred with desires, and my eyes become liarS .the very thought that i understand the system convinces myself I have thrown off the balance and this will inevitably be the reason my world collapses onto me, so i sit completely stilL .terrified to breathe and mortified to think a thought that might be my lasT .it gets to the point where reality and fantasy become so similar and meshed that deciphering which is which becomes nearly impossiblE .I know there’s something not quite right going on but just enough makes sense that i continue on falling deeper and deeper into maniA .it becomes as if I am reading something that doesn’t look or seam quite right but am still able to understand the meaninG .i become amazed on how it works and push myself to the point that I lose where i started and where I am suppose to gO

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 23

I get my usual, three double cheeses with everything, a bag of Mumfords, and a Mountain Dew. I have been coming to this place to help fight a hang for a while now and I suppose I’m a creature of habit. As I wait for my food a biker and his girlfriend sit beside and I nod politely (I’m not sure they even noticed me, I’m obviously from out of town). As my burgers are delivered an old farmer sits beside me and orders his burgers and chocolate milk (he’s a creature of habit as well). I sat there and finished my lunch (which I guarantee took at least 3 days off my life) and took in the conversations around me, I was definitely in the middle of it all.

Since I have moved back from the city of wind (my apologies as it’s been awhile since my last post but another state to state move is really a pain in the ass) I haven’t really been myself. Not that I exactly know who myself is anymore but I guess I haven’t been what I thought I should be. After episode uno it took me six months to even begin to feel better so I know I’m not that far off but I’m not the same either (not that that’s a bad thing, I’m sure a few people are glad I’m not myself). I wouldn’t say that I’m disappointed, ashamed, or down about moving home but I’m not exactly excited, energetic, or thrilled about it either; right in the middle I suppose.

It does get frustrating (almost as much as watching Shayne Graham) realizing that I’m basically right back where I started two years ago (except add another college loan to the mix) but I have to learn to accept it. There are certain things in life that are simply out of my control and the longer I complain about them the further I’ll get away from solving them. I’ve been scrambling for the past couple of weeks trying to find a job and not having much success (the two year hole in my resume could have something to do with that). I suppose I’m worried that the only thing I’ll be able to do with my life is work at a store in the mall or something (not that the mall is awful but still not my career ambition or anything). I have zero patience when it comes to this because I feel the longer I wait the smaller the opportunity becomes for me to get my life back on track.

I’m not 100% sure that is a completely accurate assumption but it feels real enough for me that panic will set in from time to time. Yesterday I took a big step forward by slowing down and by actually trying to set up some next appointments for my health. Unfortunately my file was closed and I’ll more than likely have to go through assessments again (I wonder where they’ll put me this time, hopefully not in rehab again because I’m not sure how you rehab from BMD). In any rate I know I need the help but I know how much of a process it is to get it.

I woke up this morning after another crazy dream (at least this time I wasn’t manic, I was a pitcher for the Reds) and got up from my parents spare bed, took a call to return my X5 (big body beamer), shaved, showered, and started writing. This really doesn’t sound like a big accomplishment but as I was showering I recalled it took me at least four months to get to this point after episode uno. I may not be on top of the world right now but I’m not underneath it either. I’d say I’m right in the middle working my way up and even though I know it’s going to be a long and tough way up but it’s better than being on my way down.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 22

In case of an emergency please locate the nearest exit of the San Jose Airport or if you are in need of assistance the nearest airport personnel. The following items are restricted…

My phone starts to vibrate in my pocket and I begin to sense something is wrong.

Unknown Number


“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Uh, well I’m sorry but I don’t have an emergency, you called me.”

“No I’m sorry sir this call came to us, is there anything you need assistance with at the airport?”

How do they know where I’m at, it must be the surveillance cameras. This has to be a test to my nerves. I have been having some troubles keeping my cool and they must have seen me nervously pacing around.

“No problems here ma’am, I didn’t realize I had called you my apologies.”

“Well you might have accidentally called us, was your phone in your pocket?”

“Yes, it was my front jacket pocket.”

“Sometimes that happens, have a good day.”


How did she know my phone was in my pocket? There is no way I accidentally called 911 my phone was locked. Why are they checking up on me? Do they not think I can handle this? They chose me to complete this mission not the other way around. Remember to keep composure; balance, dedication, awareness, and passion…

To this day I’m still unclear if the above series of events were real or if they were hallucinated while I was visiting San Jose during episode uno. At this point I was pretty confused on what exactly was real and what exactly was fantasies in my mind (I also thought I met K.J. Choi in the airport so your guess is as good as mine). I realized that I’ve been complaining about my life a lot lately (my apologies for being selfish) and not filling you in on other aspects of my episodes. For instance the four “elements” I listed above (balance, dedication, awareness, and passion) played significant roles in episode uno. They actually make up the 4 in .e4. I became obsessed with these elements of life and spent hours (if not days, I really couldn’t tell you, I was pretty gone) writing them down in my gournal.

I was under the impression (not too far off I do believe) that the world (my life, one in the same during my episodes) was out of whack. That I was concentrating on the materials of life rather than what really mattered; for instance concentrating on my passion(s), being dedicated to them, having balance throughout all aspects in my life, and having awareness of everything around me. Looking back maybe these elements really aren’t so far off from reality; I just had to go crazy to realize that.


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 21

I started writing this blog a little over a year ago and to say my life has changed would be a little bit of an understatement. When I started writing this I thought that this would be my release, my therapeutic way of handling the seemingly unfair and ridiculous hand I was dealt. Since then I’ve been through another manic episode, hospitalized, fought depression, moved to the city of wind, received a great internship, quit said internship, and planning a move back to Ohio. I’m not sure if this is helping but it’s about the only thing in my life that’s not disappointing at this point.

The past year kind of reminds me of my first date (and yes I was a freshman before I got a date and yes it was a blind date and yes I was set up and yes it was as pathetic as it sounds). Just as this past year began so did my date, I was filled with enthusiasm, optimism, excitement, and all around happiness. My best friend at the time (we’ll call him Wolverine for no apparent reasons other than I watched “Van Helsing” last night, on ABC Family mind you, and Hugh Jackman was in it and he was also the Wolverine; this is how my mind works) talked me up to go on a date with his girlfriend’s best friend. I was beside myself for a number of reasons; one I was only a freshman and they were sophomores, two I had a bowl cut (enough said), and three we were picking them up at their parent’s house then heading to the drive-in (yes we had drive-ins where I grew up).

Of course Wolverine is talking me up the whole way to the girls and giving me confidence that I no way deserved. I mean I was a soccer playing, bowl cut, 5’1”, 105 lbs, farm boy that had never even had a girlfriend and this girl was older, way hotter, talked into this by her friend, and a cheerleader from a rival school (I had no shot). If I had any sense at all I would have bailed on the whole date but I like to live on the edge, and once again I fell.

So we show up at the house and the first thing I noticed about my date is that she definitely doesn’t want to go and she's way out of my league (perfect start). I try to say hello to her mom and Wolverine’s date but my voice cracks not once but twice (disappointing starts now). We manage to get out of the house (where I left any resemblance of my dignity) and make our way to the drive-in. Being the gentleman that I am I hide in the trunk to save five bucks (but somehow I still paid for everyone) and at least become the funny guy. The movie, well I couldn’t tell you about the movie, I was too impressed on watching Wolverine not only cuddle with his girl but somehow manage to flirt with my date (I was in aw with this move). Needless to say I never went on another date with said girl as Wolverine began dating her shortly after the drive-in (that’s what I get for having a hotter date than his girlfriend).

In the end the date was a total disaster and one of the most disappointing times in my life. I surely didn’t believe I was going to make any headway with the older, more attractive, and cooler cheerleader but I really didn’t think I would make a fool out of myself either. Maybe that’s a fault of mine that others can relate to, I have too high of ambitions. I dream that everything will work out just right for me and that my moves in life are orchestrated in a manner only destined for success. The true reality of it all is that just like my first date, this past year was built up entirely too high in my head. The only thing this does is make it so much more disappointing when I don’t make it. I have been struggling (to say the least) this past couple weeks with dealing with the disappointment of my mania coming back and having to start over. But I realize that I can’t let this past year of “disappointment” get me down (though it has been a huge bitch) because just like if my first date would have been a success I wouldn’t have experienced a lot of things in this world (Qantas Flight Attendant you know what I’m saying, I kid I kid, but seriously) that have been unbelievable.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 20

“Alright guys, I’m going to take it easy on you because you’re all new and didn’t know what you were doing but these hot sheets…”

I begin to lose focus and start drifting away in my mind. My ability to stay in the now slowly begins to fade and I start to separate from space and time. My heart rate slows down at first and steadily rises and falls despite my efforts for control. My arms begin to tingle…

“Is this really happening now? Come on.”

I try to center myself and make eye contact and take notes but the effort is useless. A mellow energy overtakes me and my hands become numb. I am using all my strength to maintain but I know it’s coming unless I do something. Back at my desk I have difficulty holding the tears back and blame it on my allergies. I have come to the conclusion and know this isn’t working.

That’s life and it’s not fair
It is what it is
God works in mysterious ways
What does not kill me can only make me stronger
Everyone has problems
You can only play the hand you are dealt

I have been reciting these sayings over and over in my head for the past 24 hours or so to try in some way help myself deal with my latest BMD experience. I had to resign from my internship yesterday due to the above passage; my mania was coming back. I thought that if I entered into something that I loved, like sports, that it would somehow counteract my mania and I’d be fine. That unfortunately is not the case and now I’ve got to start from square one; again.

I will be moving back to Ohio and more than likely The Nasty in August to try and figure out this BMD and how I can live with it. To be completely honest I’m actually looking forward to moving back because I never left out of spite or dislike but rather because I was chasing a dream. The dream to making it in the sports marketing industry like the success I had found with AT&T before episode uno. That dream is gone now, I simply can’t do it.

I love The Nasty and the people there and it’s home but I am struggling with not being able to do things that once came easy to me. I thrived in the high octane, fast paced, sales environment of AT&T and thought if only I changed industries I’d be fine. That it was the telecommunications aspects of the job that triggered my mania and by following my passion in sports in the city of wind I’d be fine. That is not the case and it’s difficult to accept that at something I once was so successful, something I enjoyed, something I was building my life around is gone forever through no fault of my own.

This BMD of late has made me take a look at my life and it makes me feel as though I have nothing to show for my hardwork, dedication, persistence, and effort I’ve logged in pursuit of my career. It has drained me of my energy to the point that I sit and cry trying to understand something that is beyond my comprehension…

Keep faith; and keep fighting

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Monday, June 7, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 19

I have been fortunate enough to receive a new nickname to add to my list; Chandler. Yes a couple of my new coworkers (well I’m an intern but give me a break, you’re about to see why) have decided that since I’m old (29, not that old) and an intern that my nickname is Chandler from “Friends” (except I don’t get to sleep with that Cougar). I of course laughed at the gesture and honestly didn’t mind the fun until I learned of my tasks for a couple weeks this summer; receptionist.

I totally understand that I’m starting from the bottom once again but this BMD will flare up and when it comes out it’s usually just to my parents, but why should they have all the fun (I’ll leave out the tears for you all though). Of course I’ll go along with the joke but there is a small piece inside of me that would like to let them know what I’m thinking.

“Never mind the fact that I, just a mere two years ago, was an up and coming talent on my way to the top of a company of 300K plus employees. Or that I’ve managed a $5 million annual module; which is a third of the total revenue this company brings in annually. I wasn’t driving an X5 (big body beamer) or approved for a $300K home loan. Just ignore the fact that I was overtaking the top performing module within my division in Silicon Valley which would have easily performed to the tune of a six figure income for me. I wasn’t looking at returning back to school at a little known university on the west coast; Stanford (maybe you’ve heard of it, or at least seen their tree mascot). No, no, I wanted to leave all of this behind to come and answer your phones, where’s the transfer button again (let’s get serious)?”

Of course I’d never say this but from time to time it would feel really good to. Don’t get me wrong I’m very proud of myself for getting this far. I mean in just those same two years I’ve been hospitalized twice (in a psych ward, that’s like double jeopardy or something), fought depression twice, was lucky enough to overcome suicidal thoughts and intentions, and have picked myself up off the ground more times than I’d like to count. But I can’t tell them any of this, not because I’m afraid that I’d lose any opportunity at a potential job (this is what I always thought before). But rather because I don’t need to.

I know for the longest time I cared entirely too much about what others thought of me (before and after my episodes). I was telling my parents how much of a tough time I’m having for some reason right now. Is it a combination of moving to a new city, starting a new career (well attempting at least), dealing with finding healthcare (practically impossible, thanks pre-existing condition), and not really giving myself time to recover (6 days after I got out of the hospital I was back in class, teacher’s pet)?

To be completely honest I don’t have the answer to any of this and no one does. I refuse to quit, I’m not sure where I’ll end up but I have to keep grinding (hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders) for me. If I stop caring then eventually no one will care; that’s the furthest thing I want.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Monday, May 31, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 18

First impressions are never a completely wise thing to base an opinion on something but let’s face it, everyone does it. I’ve been living in the city of wind (yea I stole that from Common but we’re basically cousins now that I live in the Chi, even if I’m not on the southside) and I can say confidently I’ve already got this city nailed down based solely on my first impression (I’m sure this won’t backfire or anything). For purely entertainment reasons on my end I’m going to try and give you handful of lucky souls out there reading this my impression of the city in female form.

This city reminds me of the super smoking hot girl in college that I never had the courage to talk to unless I was time traveling (shout out sis) the night away (that means drunk btw). We’ll go ahead and call this girl Wendy (get it?). Wendy was always the topic of conversation and the epitome of way too good for me. I’d always hear how great she was, just as any Chicagoan (word?) will tell you how great this city is without hesitation. Wendy always seemed like the Mecca of achievements if I could ever somehow figure out a way in I’d be golden (with liquid courage of course). Then I actually do get to talk to her and find out she’s really not that intimidating. Sure she’ll pull some flaky moves like inviting you out to meet up and then bailing on you right in front of your eyes for someone else (this may or may not have just happened to me this weekend). She’ll send you those all encouraging text messages with smiley faces and exclamation marks all over it only to go MIA the rest of the night. Ahhhh yes Wendy and Chicago are one in the same, seemingly way too much for a country boy like me.

I can say that the city of wind has to be the toughest city for me to crack. Sydney was no big deal, hell I was the one with the accent so they ate that crap up over there. Atlanta was filled with southern belles, peaches, and sweet tea; yeah not a bad place to call home at all. Denver was my path to success for my career and those crunchy mountain peeps are pretty laid back (when they’re not dominating and high kicking). Cincinnati is home so whether they like it or not they’re stuck with me and just like family they don’t have to like me but too bad you have to love me. I suppose that brings me to Chicago, my greatest challenge as of yet.

Not only is this the biggest city I’ve moved to but it’s also the first one I’ve lived in since my episodes (like I said the Nasty is home and doesn’t count). The city of wind isn’t going down without a fight either let me tell you. I’ve already been quite amazed on how rude the city is, for being such a great city there are quite a few crappy people here ( I suppose 8 months of wintery hell each year will do that). Nonetheless I’ve never quit anything in my life except for Chinese calligraphy, my Theses 2, Kangaroo Anatomy, Toe Photography, Booger sculpture and masturbation. Well, maybe not masturbation but give me a break it's the only thing I'm good at (if you don’t get this movie quote I don’t want to know you).

So needless to say my first impression of the city of wind is far from great but like I said it’s not too wise to judge purely on that. I’m starting my internship tomorrow (hell yea I can wear jeans) and the summer is just getting started. It’s early and I’ve had some pretty fun times in the short couple weeks I’ve been here (what happens in Chicago stays in Chicago) so it’s just the beginning.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 17

HAPPY 2010!!!!!!

A couple of the patients were running up and down the halls of our unit (Southside!) screaming and celebrating the New Year, I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. I rolled over on my side and went back to sleep, hopefully tomorrow I’ll get out of the hospital, too bad deep down I knew that wasn’t true.

I had gone to bed early before the NYE parties had really even kicked off, I was still quite delusional which translated into me believing that the television shows, especially football games, were being influenced by my thoughts. The weather for a majority of the bowl games was pretty awful and I thought that was in direct relationship to my “attempt” to end the world (failed attempt of course). I spent the majority of my NYE sitting on a window seal looking out the window and wondering what my friends were doing. I’m sure they were excitedly preparing for the festivities of the upcoming night by pressing their clothes, buying booze, trying on their ridiculous 2010 glasses, and celebrating another year in the books. I, on the other hand, was lost and confused once again.

Stubby came by the hospital the next day and tried to lift my spirits by bringing me a pizza, he accidentally put onions on it and I cussed him out and walked out on him for it. It was taking every bit of my strength to try and battle back from my episode and I was feeling I couldn’t get a break. My parents and Aunt had visited me while I was in the psych ward but that was it.

A family friend recently had a horrible farming accident that threatened their life. It’s almost scarily common for one of these accidents to occur in the community, that’s part of the farming life. Stubby and I had just gotten to Chicago when we heard the news of the accident. We were provided updates from our family who had gone to the hospital to offer support. I can recall when Poncho was badly hurt in a snowmobile accident and hearing of all the family and friends who came and consoled our family at the hospital. No one came to see me.

In hindsight it is probably more than better that my friends and family really didn’t visit me in the hospital; I know I wasn’t a pretty sight. But sitting there alone in the psych ward on NYE knowing that just about everyone you know is out enjoying and celebrating life while I’m in a fight for mine takes a toll on you. I struggled for awhile once I left the hospital with the notions that my friends and family didn’t care. I’ve always thought as myself as a friend who is there in others’ times of need always willing to lend a hand, encouragement, and bed to anyone who needs it. In my time of need I felt betrayed by the selfishness of others and the users I once thought as my friends.

To say I still don’t struggle with this from time to time would be a lie. However I’ve tried to use it to motivate me to better myself more. To give me strength to be the person I know I can be rather the person I think I should be. I swore I would not speak to some friends who I felt totally deserted me in my most vulnerable time, but that would make me no better than them. Rather I’ll dedicate my life to working harder, being a better person, and showing them what I already know; they’ll never be a good as person as me.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,