Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 11

While growing up in South Chuck there were a couple things that absolutely scared the bejesus out of me. The first was the FFA Tractor Day at school. Now for those of you who have not had the ultimate pleasure of participating in a FFA Tractor Day I’ll attempt to explain this nightmare of a day. Now because the FFA (oh, that’s Future Farmers of America by the way) is a nationally chartered and recognized High School organization they are afforded certain privileges throughout the year (and they get to wear these really sharp felt like blue and gold jackets) and one of these privileges is similar to Spirit Week for Homecoming (only I don’t get threatened by my dates Step-Dad with his watch like on Homecoming).

The hallways of the school are filled with Cowboy Hats (I never understood this b/c I’ve never seen a ranch in South Chuck), Wranglers (has it’s advantages when worn by a select few), lacers (boots, I think), the smell of tobacco, and then me all anxiously awaiting Tractor Day on Friday. Of course I’m going to be driving a tractor and I know I’m going to get the smallest tractor, I just had that feeling. My younger brother is driving a beast of machinery that has 12 tires and barely fits under the power lines stretching across the road. I drove what would amount to the infant baby brother to Poncho’s tractor. No matter how much smoke I was blowing out the pipes and how much I “revved” my Massie it just didn’t matter, I was terrified of FFA Tractor Day.

There was nothing quite as fun as riding in the Semi when we were either hauling to the elevator or coming from the fields. I enjoyed it so much because I didn’t have to do anything and could sit back and enjoy the ride. This would back fire time from time when I would doze off and really be out only to wake up alone. The cab would be empty, we’d be stopped, and it would be dead silent. That feeling of aloneness is a feeling I don’t like so much.

When I was recovering from my first episode I went through some deep depression that took my dislike for aloneness and amplified it. I was a few months out of the hospital when this started to happen and it got so bad that I would pray to not wake up the next day. I saw no point to anything and completely alone in my fight. I’ve been told depression usually follows manic episodes (I think of it as a counter-balance from being so high) and after this last episode I wanted so bad to not feel the effects of depression again, too bad.

The feelings of aloneness, inadequacy, worthlessness, and all their cousins showed up again and I still don’t like them so much. Depression makes me question why all this happened and to begin to regret it happened and feeling sorry for myself. I knew they were coming this time around so I was sort of ready but no match really. It takes all my energy and focus to fight off these feelings and that unfortunately has consequences in other aspects of my life. It makes me feel that’s its not fair and to envy others around me whose problems I wished I had.

But I can’t remember when I’ve encountered anything that is truly fair. If everything was fair and even what would be the drive and desire to better myself? I’d be living in a world that was boring and predictable. I’d rather live in a world that makes me fight for everything; because when I finally get it, there will be nothing sweeter (well maybe a tractor day where I drive the beast would be).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Monday, March 29, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 10

Will you please tell me a few things to help me sleep through the night?
Will you tell me a story that shuts out the darkness and reveals the light?

Does anyone know what it’s like to be higher than life?
Does anyone else have problems deciphering the difference between wrong and right?

Have you felt the after effects of the notion of righteousness?
Have you felt the whisper of the devil in your ear sending your life in complete distress?

I can’t try to begin to understand what goes on inside my own mind.
I can’t try to begin to comprehend the one question I have, why?

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Puff Daddy - Can't Nobody Hold Me Down
Uploaded by pezhammer. - Music videos, artist interviews, concerts and more.

Coming Correct,

Monday, March 22, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 9

Professor X this is nothing you asked for but everything you need (I promise this will eventually make sense).

“Welcome to AT&T’s At The Half where you have just been watching the Number 1 seeded Mania vs. the Cinderella story of number 12 seeded d01roK. I’m Greg Gumbel and as always seated beside me is the point guard of our team Seth Davis and shut down man Greg Anthony. Guys we all went into this matchup expecting top seeded Mania to run away with this game but d01roK from rural Ohio refuses to go away, what has been the keys in this game thus far?”

“Well Greg I’ve always said be weary of the underdog because they have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Right now d01rok is playing with just that mentality. I can recall playing in games at UNLV where we weren’t the favorite and there's always just a bit of a chip on your shoulder from this that can elevate your game. d01roK has found something inside himself that he’s using to overcome the intensity and relentless pursuit of Mania. I’m not sure if he can hold on to it for the duration but I think we’re in for one heck of a show.”

“Yeah Greg is right on that but I just feel the overwhelming talent that Mania has on it’s side coupled with the experience of being around since the dawn of time will play a factor in the second half. Don’t get me wrong it’s great to see a Cinderalla story like d01roK come out of nowhere to challenge a favorite but I’m not sure he can hold on when the hallucinations and delusions come into play. That’s been the fortay of Mania to wait till the second half and then really pour on the nasty.”

“Well one way or the other we’ll have a clearer picture of the outcome right after a word from our sponsors and then we’ll send you out to your game for the conclusion. Thanks for watching and enjoy the second half.”

This has become my defense mechanism of late to help cope and deal with my mania. I have always rooted for the underdog since I can remember (please be aware my memory really doesn’t kick in until roughly the early 90’s so the Super Bowl years of the Bengals is gone). I’m not entirely quite sure why but I’ve always related to them no matter the occasion. It could be that since I was five I’ve played the only sport more repulsive to country folk than public transportation (soccer) or that I was 5’1” and 100 lb’s soppy wet my Freshmen year in High School (equates to zero love action) or that I really felt like I never belonged to the Carhartt gang (Adidas and Umbros here). Whatever the reason is I’m starting to realize I’m glad it’s there.

To me a real underdog is someone (or team) that is stacked up against the odds but refuses to acknowledge this. A real underdog doesn’t fight for its life it fights because that’s all they know how to do. A real underdog doesn’t look at the point spread, or fear their opponent, or listen to anyone but rather lives for the opportunity to prove themselves. A real underdog will be knocked down, beat up, kicked out, and stomped in time after time and still gets up and asks for more. This is because a real underdog isn’t an underdog at all; they are exactly what they want to be.

My mania has left me beaten, alone, crying and terrified on my bathroom floor but I’ve gotten up. I know I’ll be brought back down again and it could be today or it could be in a few years I’m not sure. But I know one thing for sure, I’ll never stop getting back up. My professor in my PR Class (Professor X) asked us to write a blog about sports. She asked that we include hyperlinks and tags to ensure that our message is heard as much as possible. She said to try and bring our voice out in our writing and to make a footprint for ourselves through technological gadgets and online tricks. The problem is I don’t do this for the world to hear my message, I do this for me. So while I didn’t give you exactly what you wanted, I did give you what you needed; my voice. I am an underdog.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 8

March 1st, 2010 at 10:10 AM

I’m 30,000 feet in the air right now and I’m not manic, which is different to say the least. I’m somewhere over Ohio on the way to the Pennsylvania state line and the sun is shining. I’m listening to my music and “Hey There Delilah” is playing and Denver is on my mind. I’m supposed to be heading to Chi-Town to internship hunt but I needed a break. I’m reading Electroboy A Memoir of Mania and feeling relieved that someone else understands the craziness in my life. I’m feeling a bit guilty for actually taking a vacation considering the past two years I’ve only worked 4 months. I’m dwelling on sleeping on the floor at the foot of my Mom and Step-Dad’s bed when I was manic. I’m trying to catch the ideas running wild around in my mind. I’m confused and looking for answers that will never be found. I’m scared of the truth and terrified of the unknown. I’m on vacation…

Present Day

I had one of the worst and best vacations I have ever had last week. Since graduating from the Witt bubble almost five years ago (it seems like only yesterday I was streaking the hollow totally sober and able minded) I really haven’t had a vacation. Whenever I had a extended time off work I would plan a trip home to more than likely make some bad decisions. Don’t get me wrong I less than three the ocean and beach like any other winter trapped Midwesterner but there’s something about home that refuses to let go. In any case I was going to use this spring break as an opportunity to take my first vacation since spring break ’03 (my 1st cruise and 1st time I’ve been booed off a dance floor, true story ask my stand-up roommate of the time Robert Downey Jr.) and get away for a little bit. To be honest I did feel a little bit guilty for taking a trip due to the fact the only thing I’ve done in the past 25 months is work about 4 of them and enjoy life the rest. But dammit I’ve gone manic and hospitalized twice for two weeks, quit two jobs unwillingly, moved back home with my parents, battled depression, visited numerous doctors, was attempted to put into out-patient rehab, a test subject, and I wanted a break (I’m sorry for yelling).

I had always wanted to visit Costa Rica from the stories Stubby told us but never could find the time while working. I decided to give my internship hunt a break as I wasn’t getting much feedback from the agencies and the lone feedback I received wasn’t favorable (political way of saying it sucked). So I decided a week before spring break I’ll cancel my trip to Chi-Town for internship hunting and take a trip to deserted beaches, lush tropical vegetation, pristine clear waters, and away from my manic mind back home. The only problem was there would be three of us on this trip (yes I was the third wheel with my old man and his lady…what has my life come to) and there was not enough time to get her a passport so we swapped Costa Rica with Key West (even swap if you ask me).

Not really even at all to come and find out. Now I’ve already commented on my opinion of motorcycles in this blog but I understood the appeal (I officially rescind this). Please recall I had my mind set on a getting away and clocking out for a week, you can imagine the difficultly with this when it’s bike week in Florida. I really enjoy walking down the street at dusk just enjoying the views and the environment of the Keys when six middle-aged accountants from Cleveland ride by on their Harley’s and let me know how small their junk are by revving their bikes at me, thanks boys (they all enjoyed beating the ridiculous amount of roosters to the punch by riding around at 8 in the morning as well). To accompany this, the best meal I had there was Burger King. Maybe we picked the worst restaurants but I had to send flowers and chocolates to my butt to apologize for doing that to it after eating the food there. The beaches and warm ocean was swapped out for near record lows in temperatures and 30 MPH gusts of wind, I got had.

I had a couple really bad days in Key West and they were the type of days that make you change something. I keep forgetting I’ve only been out of the hospital for 2 months and the last time I had an episode I was packing my things and moving home from Denver and battling the first stage of depression at this point. I spread myself thin at times trying to prove something to myself. This has yet to work to my benefit and yesterday I had to quit my volunteer/internship with Do Right!. It wasn’t something I wanted to do because I did really enjoy hanging out with the kids but it had to be done. On a brighter note I was selected for an interview with the sports marketing agency in Chicago I’ve been wanting all along. I go this Friday and then get to stay in the Windy City for the St. Patty’s Day Parade (I’ll be in the guy in the money white hat and comedic shirt) and hang out with my sister again (btw we got dead last in the flip cup tourney…no finger pointing but a certain pony wasn’t on point). Lookout Chicago this guy might be on his way…Go Sox! (I refuse to root for the Cubs as they are divisional foes of the Red Legs)

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,