“As much hell as it’s been the past three years, and I know it’s been hell Derek, Bipolar Disorder does have its gifts, maybe small but they are there.”
I forgot how much I love the country night sky. The past week I took a couple nights to wander out into the pasture beside the house to get away (or look like a crazy person standing in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere). It’s been ten years since I’ve been truly back to the country and I missed how peaceful it can be (and how irritating, Mickey Mouse 3-Derek 0).
I use to spend just about every fall/winter night in our hot tub getting away from it all and being lost in the night sky (well at mom’s at least, Stubby’s is a different story). Some people I suppose use meditation, some read, others veg out in front of the tube, some drive to nowhere, others watch sunsets to free themselves, I just prefer the cliché 1970’s porn set of a hot tub at night under the stars (just a romantic at heart I suppose).
So of course with the way things have been going lately our hot tub dies a couple weeks ago. To compensate for this I wandered out to the pasture this week to look up at the sky. After the coyotes stopped crying (just about right on que) and the dogs stopped howling I found myself surrounded by nothing, it was great.
It was cool out and the wind had died down from the day with the night breeze minimal at best. The air was calm and the world seemed asleep, I was alone out there and I wasn’t scared of that fact for the first time in awhile. I lifted my head and caught a glimpse of a shooting star in the East and literally laughed aloud. I hadn’t seen a shooting star in so long I forgot they even existed. At about the time I get back to focusing on the sky another shooting star came from the West (I literally looked like a crazy person when I started laughing aloud to myself at the sheer sight of this second shooting star). The next time I went out I saw two more shooting stars in the sky and it made me glad I didn’t swallow those pills three years ago.
My new counselor and I have been working on taking a new perspective or approach to fighting this BMD. Focusing on the little gifts it provides that seem so insignificant at first. Similar to falling rocks in space that seemingly have no purpose or reason to exist aside to fall; up until they hit Earth’s atmosphere and begin to heat up and burn. Glowing hotter and hotter one by one they light up the country sky giving me a show I can’t pay for in any theater, cinema, or venue (and also making me look crazy).
That’s the reason I haven’t let quitting my job bother me, I’m starting to see the little gifts in my life more and more.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!