I take a bite of the apple and suddenly the taste of bleach and of poison fill my mouth and I take off in a sprint towards my bathroom. The toxic smell of poison fills my nostrils as I kneel over the toilet and profusely dry heave. I haven’t really eaten in days so each acid reflux feels drier and drier until I’m merely spitting out saliva. I have eaten the forbidden fruit and this is my punishment, I am in purgatory.
I grab my wrist and feel around anxiously trying to find a pulse, a beat, a sign of life but nothing. I switch wrist and impatiently fumble around trying desperately to find evidence that I exist. I grab the side of my neck below my jaw line and squeeze slightly, I know I’ll find a beat here. After all those years in track and checking my pulse there is no way I’ll have trouble on my neck, it’s second nature. Nothing, I switch sides of my neck but to no avail. My legs are spread apart as I sit in my room and the realization that all of this is not real starts to creep into me. I frantically search my chest for my heartbeat, each second the paranoia grows and grows as my heartbeat is lost, I am in purgatory.
“The judge won’t be back until Monday, all the courts are closed.”
What judge? I admitted myself this time so there can’t be 72 hour hold on me I came in under my own free will. Wait, was it my own free will? Why do I have to see a judge if I did nothing wrong? Unless this is all real and I did start the apacolypse, is this a test of my faith? I did nothing wrong, I am in purgatory.
“You shouldn’t do that.”
“Why does it matter?”
“It matters to your family.”
“Yeah I’ve been talking to them more lately.”
“You should, they care.", I am in purgatory.
I was warned today to stop socializing with the others. I seem to be having a negative effect on one of the girls. It befuddles me that by trying to help I can do so much harm. What place am I in when simply talking with someone jeopardizes their well-being. I have only wanted to help others and now it seems I am the cause of so much pain that she stiffens up and freezes whenever I’m around. I don’t understand how she could help me so much yet when I try to return the favor I hurt her even more, I am in purgatory.
“How do you feel?”
“Good, like I’m back.”
“Well you’ll get your release today and you do have someone to pick you up?”
“Yeah, my Dad. The nurses told me this morning what time to have him come by.”
“The hospital will be in touch with you and Dr. Adler as well for the study, good luck.”
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
(Since it’s my Dad’s birthday month I’ll be rocking Van Halen all December, Happy Birthday Stubby!)