I get my usual, three double cheeses with everything, a bag of Mumfords, and a Mountain Dew. I have been coming to this place to help fight a hang for a while now and I suppose I’m a creature of habit. As I wait for my food a biker and his girlfriend sit beside and I nod politely (I’m not sure they even noticed me, I’m obviously from out of town). As my burgers are delivered an old farmer sits beside me and orders his burgers and chocolate milk (he’s a creature of habit as well). I sat there and finished my lunch (which I guarantee took at least 3 days off my life) and took in the conversations around me, I was definitely in the middle of it all.
Since I have moved back from the city of wind (my apologies as it’s been awhile since my last post but another state to state move is really a pain in the ass) I haven’t really been myself. Not that I exactly know who myself is anymore but I guess I haven’t been what I thought I should be. After episode uno it took me six months to even begin to feel better so I know I’m not that far off but I’m not the same either (not that that’s a bad thing, I’m sure a few people are glad I’m not myself). I wouldn’t say that I’m disappointed, ashamed, or down about moving home but I’m not exactly excited, energetic, or thrilled about it either; right in the middle I suppose.
It does get frustrating (almost as much as watching Shayne Graham) realizing that I’m basically right back where I started two years ago (except add another college loan to the mix) but I have to learn to accept it. There are certain things in life that are simply out of my control and the longer I complain about them the further I’ll get away from solving them. I’ve been scrambling for the past couple of weeks trying to find a job and not having much success (the two year hole in my resume could have something to do with that). I suppose I’m worried that the only thing I’ll be able to do with my life is work at a store in the mall or something (not that the mall is awful but still not my career ambition or anything). I have zero patience when it comes to this because I feel the longer I wait the smaller the opportunity becomes for me to get my life back on track.
I’m not 100% sure that is a completely accurate assumption but it feels real enough for me that panic will set in from time to time. Yesterday I took a big step forward by slowing down and by actually trying to set up some next appointments for my health. Unfortunately my file was closed and I’ll more than likely have to go through assessments again (I wonder where they’ll put me this time, hopefully not in rehab again because I’m not sure how you rehab from BMD). In any rate I know I need the help but I know how much of a process it is to get it.
I woke up this morning after another crazy dream (at least this time I wasn’t manic, I was a pitcher for the Reds) and got up from my parents spare bed, took a call to return my X5 (big body beamer), shaved, showered, and started writing. This really doesn’t sound like a big accomplishment but as I was showering I recalled it took me at least four months to get to this point after episode uno. I may not be on top of the world right now but I’m not underneath it either. I’d say I’m right in the middle working my way up and even though I know it’s going to be a long and tough way up but it’s better than being on my way down.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!