“Hi everybody, my name is Dave and I’ll be leading the group today. I wanted to welcome everyone back and send out a warm welcome to our newcomer. Once again please feel free to share as much or as little as you like but please do have respect for the others in the group. Tonight I wanted to concentrate on what irritates or angers you the most when it comes to dealing with Bipolar Disorder. Is there anyone one who would like to start things off? Oh great our newcomer, go ahead but before you start just let everyone know your name and background.”
“Oh ok, well my name is Derek and I was diagnosed in early 2008. I have had two psychotic manic episodes since 2008 which are mostly characterized by hallucinations, delusional thinking, and feelings of grandiosity. I hate it when my BMD takes away my personality.
I have been through adversity in my life just as so many others have as well and even more will have to in the future but nothing could have prepared me for this. My entire life I was under the belief that if you work hard, do the right things, put your head down, punch the clock, take pride in yourself and your work that eventually it will pay off. I was doing just that, I studied in school and worked hard enough to get into the college of my choice, I may have slacked a tiny bit in school (the whole five year thing) but I got a great apprenticeship for a prominent telecom company and was working my way up the ladder. I had spent three years getting my ass kicked but learning as much as possible and working as hard as possible. I was the future and the life I had been working so hard to achieve was a mere two weeks away in California, and then I was convinced I was chosen by the Knights Templar to protect a secret that could change the course of history, I was manic for the first time.
In the time I should have been spending packing my belongings, securing an apartment in San Jose, tying up loose ends at my job while familiarizing myself with my new in business in silicon valley I spent avoiding the “eye in the sky” and decoding governmental (Freemason) symbols throughout the city of Denver. I “pushed” my friends towards the light and “shielded” them from the dangers of the other side. I solved the equation of life (I’m not ready to give that secret up quite yet) and “time traveled” into my primal ancestors.
The crazy thing (pun intended) was even after experiencing all that my mania has to throw at me I still do not fear it, I fear and hate my depression and it’s after effects. It’s my depression that consumes me whole and pushes everything away from me. It is one mean sonofabitch that fights anyway but fair. The harder I work the deeper I feel I fall. I begin to lose my personality and identity as all my energy is focused on fighting back the darkness inside me, the twisted thoughts that take me from reality into a world filled with emptiness, loneliness, solidarity, and worthlessness. I barely smile, laugh and forget what happiness feels like, I lose my identity/personality and that is what I hate the most; trying so hard yet still not being myself.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!