Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 25

“Hello I’m Jim Gray and you are reading a historic event for .e4. Today on this post d01roK will announce his final answer on where he will take his talents for the upcoming season. The process of deliberating one’s future is undoubtedly as common as brushing your teeth in the morning but The Deliberation has us all on the edge of our seats. Before we continue on we would like to thank NAMI for exploiting their cause by allowing The Deliberation to take part within their walls. Now without further delay please welcome d01roK to The Deliberation.”

“Thanks Jim it’s great to be here and share this moment with the 17 people that read my blog. It really feels like most of them are family and friends and it’s great to have the opportunity to share this with them. I do have to admit that Jim you weren’t my first option to host The Deliberation due to the total lack of respect I have for you as a reporter but no one else would return my calls.”

“Fair enough, I respect your honesty. Now let’s get down to the tough questions that I know all the readers out there are dying to know. Over the past few weeks you have given hints that you planned on taking six months off after the issues you had in Chicago, is this correct?”


“Is it true that there is a new opportunity that has revealed itself as an internship with the Columbus Blue Jackets that made you begin to deliberate?”

“It is.”

“How many people know what the end result of The Deliberation is?”


“Did you just come to this conclusion this morning?”

“Just this morning.”

“How difficult was it, the whole deliberation process?”


“Are you ready to share this with the your readers?”

“I am.”

“d01roK what’s is the answer to The Deliberation?”

“Jim, I’m going to be taking my talents due East to Columbus and call back the Blue Jackets to set up an interview for the internship.”

“Wait, The Deliberation was just to decide whether or not to return a call from the Blue Jackets and set up an interview for an internship?”

“Yea Jim, now you know why no one would return my calls to host The Deliberation.”


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 24

.i am constantly aksed the same question whenever someone learns of my disordeR .they always seam to desire to no what exactly its likE ?after I tell that i suffer from severe manic episodes witch feature hallucinations, delusional thoughts, and schizophrenic symptoms they ask; what’s it likE .at first I tried to explain it to them in medical terminologY .i would discuss how the brain has chemical reactions and the episodes are direct results of these chemical reactionS .of corse this really didn’t shed any lite on the subject so i decided to try and get a little more in deptH .I wood start out by describing what first starts to happen to me physicallY .my hands and arms first begin to tingle and become red and sore (knot always but enough to lead my mind into believing their signs of stigmatA) .next a sensation that can only be compared to orgasmic (so gross I know) travels up my spine and down my legS .my surroundings begin to take form, not physical form but a feeling of connection overtakes me with theM .time and space become one inn front of me and it feels as though i am at the center of it alL .as if everything before me was put there deliberately to serve this purpose at this moment for me to understanD .this euphoric feeling intensifies and thoughts of grandiosity begin shooting intwo my mind at a pace that throws my world in a tailspiN .i no that it all cannot be true but my perception of reality becomes fogged by the sheer enjoyment of understanding the true meaning of everythinG .at about this point in time (or actually timelessness as this aspect has set it and i become trapped between reality and fantasy where time stops) i begin to see the purpose of this all and become aware that this is not about me, but rather about what I’m trying to bE .there is undoubtedly good and evil in the world and each is just as powerful as the otheR .i become obsessed with this struggle inside myself and am determined to out play the others set out to bring harm to the worlD .i am being tested to reveal my true character and define the type of man i am, compared to the person I believe myself to bE .this game continues on and my episode intensifies as I get lost in my mind and fantasy becomes reality where reality fails to answer the questions continuing to pile up in my heaD .i spend hours into days fighting against myself to understand what is happening and debating if the impossible is reaL .voices call to me, the world begins to pass by in harmony, emotions become blurred with desires, and my eyes become liarS .the very thought that i understand the system convinces myself I have thrown off the balance and this will inevitably be the reason my world collapses onto me, so i sit completely stilL .terrified to breathe and mortified to think a thought that might be my lasT .it gets to the point where reality and fantasy become so similar and meshed that deciphering which is which becomes nearly impossiblE .I know there’s something not quite right going on but just enough makes sense that i continue on falling deeper and deeper into maniA .it becomes as if I am reading something that doesn’t look or seam quite right but am still able to understand the meaninG .i become amazed on how it works and push myself to the point that I lose where i started and where I am suppose to gO

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 23

I get my usual, three double cheeses with everything, a bag of Mumfords, and a Mountain Dew. I have been coming to this place to help fight a hang for a while now and I suppose I’m a creature of habit. As I wait for my food a biker and his girlfriend sit beside and I nod politely (I’m not sure they even noticed me, I’m obviously from out of town). As my burgers are delivered an old farmer sits beside me and orders his burgers and chocolate milk (he’s a creature of habit as well). I sat there and finished my lunch (which I guarantee took at least 3 days off my life) and took in the conversations around me, I was definitely in the middle of it all.

Since I have moved back from the city of wind (my apologies as it’s been awhile since my last post but another state to state move is really a pain in the ass) I haven’t really been myself. Not that I exactly know who myself is anymore but I guess I haven’t been what I thought I should be. After episode uno it took me six months to even begin to feel better so I know I’m not that far off but I’m not the same either (not that that’s a bad thing, I’m sure a few people are glad I’m not myself). I wouldn’t say that I’m disappointed, ashamed, or down about moving home but I’m not exactly excited, energetic, or thrilled about it either; right in the middle I suppose.

It does get frustrating (almost as much as watching Shayne Graham) realizing that I’m basically right back where I started two years ago (except add another college loan to the mix) but I have to learn to accept it. There are certain things in life that are simply out of my control and the longer I complain about them the further I’ll get away from solving them. I’ve been scrambling for the past couple of weeks trying to find a job and not having much success (the two year hole in my resume could have something to do with that). I suppose I’m worried that the only thing I’ll be able to do with my life is work at a store in the mall or something (not that the mall is awful but still not my career ambition or anything). I have zero patience when it comes to this because I feel the longer I wait the smaller the opportunity becomes for me to get my life back on track.

I’m not 100% sure that is a completely accurate assumption but it feels real enough for me that panic will set in from time to time. Yesterday I took a big step forward by slowing down and by actually trying to set up some next appointments for my health. Unfortunately my file was closed and I’ll more than likely have to go through assessments again (I wonder where they’ll put me this time, hopefully not in rehab again because I’m not sure how you rehab from BMD). In any rate I know I need the help but I know how much of a process it is to get it.

I woke up this morning after another crazy dream (at least this time I wasn’t manic, I was a pitcher for the Reds) and got up from my parents spare bed, took a call to return my X5 (big body beamer), shaved, showered, and started writing. This really doesn’t sound like a big accomplishment but as I was showering I recalled it took me at least four months to get to this point after episode uno. I may not be on top of the world right now but I’m not underneath it either. I’d say I’m right in the middle working my way up and even though I know it’s going to be a long and tough way up but it’s better than being on my way down.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,