“Alright guys, I’m going to take it easy on you because you’re all new and didn’t know what you were doing but these hot sheets…”
I begin to lose focus and start drifting away in my mind. My ability to stay in the now slowly begins to fade and I start to separate from space and time. My heart rate slows down at first and steadily rises and falls despite my efforts for control. My arms begin to tingle…
“Is this really happening now? Come on.”
I try to center myself and make eye contact and take notes but the effort is useless. A mellow energy overtakes me and my hands become numb. I am using all my strength to maintain but I know it’s coming unless I do something. Back at my desk I have difficulty holding the tears back and blame it on my allergies. I have come to the conclusion and know this isn’t working.
That’s life and it’s not fair
It is what it is
God works in mysterious ways
What does not kill me can only make me stronger
Everyone has problems
You can only play the hand you are dealt
I have been reciting these sayings over and over in my head for the past 24 hours or so to try in some way help myself deal with my latest BMD experience. I had to resign from my internship yesterday due to the above passage; my mania was coming back. I thought that if I entered into something that I loved, like sports, that it would somehow counteract my mania and I’d be fine. That unfortunately is not the case and now I’ve got to start from square one; again.
I will be moving back to Ohio and more than likely The Nasty in August to try and figure out this BMD and how I can live with it. To be completely honest I’m actually looking forward to moving back because I never left out of spite or dislike but rather because I was chasing a dream. The dream to making it in the sports marketing industry like the success I had found with AT&T before episode uno. That dream is gone now, I simply can’t do it.
I love The Nasty and the people there and it’s home but I am struggling with not being able to do things that once came easy to me. I thrived in the high octane, fast paced, sales environment of AT&T and thought if only I changed industries I’d be fine. That it was the telecommunications aspects of the job that triggered my mania and by following my passion in sports in the city of wind I’d be fine. That is not the case and it’s difficult to accept that at something I once was so successful, something I enjoyed, something I was building my life around is gone forever through no fault of my own.
This BMD of late has made me take a look at my life and it makes me feel as though I have nothing to show for my hardwork, dedication, persistence, and effort I’ve logged in pursuit of my career. It has drained me of my energy to the point that I sit and cry trying to understand something that is beyond my comprehension…
Keep faith; and keep fighting
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!