My Thanksgiving hunt was about as successful as my golfing skills (thru 12 holes at Pinehurst I had lost 10 balls, hit a barn, sent an old man with a bad hip running, and I mean drilled a house). I mean the hunt was so unsuccessful that I even upset a follower of .e4 (down to 17 from 18). I must really be on my game.
Seeing how my game makes me laugh I’m going to continue to share it with my now 17 followers. As I previously mentioned I’m back in the game and decided to give the online dating scene a try (I figure I buy sneakers online for double the monthly price so this is one hell of a deal), I’m beginning to realize I’m as bad at dating as I am at golf.
Maybe it’s my approach to blame but I find it humorous to reveal my stats. 10 emails sent (0 reply, haha), 0 emails received (1 wink but I think it was accidental), I managed to scare off a girl whose number I received two years ago (no idea how I managed that one considering I asked her out to COSI, yea I know great idea), and even was blown off by a friend of a friend who I merely said hello to and good luck (I’m totally stumped on that one). Of course you can imagine I’m beginning to doubt myself which is highly unusual for me (some say I have an air of confidence about me, other’s simply call me a dick).
Now because of this I decided to really focus when I was going through the picture menu on match.com (eat your heart out Shoney’s). I obviously am looking for a tall blonde (shocker I know sis) who has a sense of humor ranked high (damn it I’m funny). I thought I had found her, tall, blonde, into sports, ranks laughter extremely high and is studying child psychology (perfect because I act like a kid (see profile quote above) from time to time and I’m Bipolar (we’ll have tons to talk about). Once again failure but it was funny (at least to me).
Here’s how it went down:
Email 1
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: Yeah I’m emailing on Thanksgiving…
Body: big whoop, wanna fight about it? I can't imagine how much shit you must catch on here for your screen name so big ups for staying true to that whore of a city up north (haha I kid I kid).
Response: Nothing (she’s a Michigan fan btw, I know I know)
Email 2
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…
Body: We're on our way home from our first date (it went well) when we get into a horrific car accident. My brother (yea in order for the joke to work there needs to be three people, he likes you though) and I are killed and are awaiting our entry into Heaven. At the gate St. Peter gives us the run down of how things operate there in Paradise. He points out the hot spots and warns us to steer clear of the ducks. See those ducks are the big man in charges prized possessions and he would be enraged if anything happened to them. Well I step up and decide that I'm going to just walk real cautiously and slowly paying attention to every step in order to not harm the ducks. Wouldn't you know it after three steps I step right on a duck, killing it and sealing my fate. St. Peter walks up and says you know you're going to have to be punished for this so I get handcuffed to the ugliest girl in heaven for all eternity (tough break). My brother steps up and just takes off in a dead sprint balls to the wall running and tramples a duck killing it. St. Peter comes over and since I already have the ugliest girl in heaven on my arm the second ugliest is handcuffed to him for eternity. A few months pass by and my brother and I (with our hideous cuffmates) are walking around heaven when we catch a glimpse of you across the way. You're handcuffed to the Brad Pitt of angels in heaven so we run over and ask:
"What happened? How in the hell are you handcuffed to that!?"
the Brad Pitt angel replies:
"I don't know, I just stepped on a damn duck."
hahaha anything? anything? That's like from middle school humor you gotta love that...
Response: Nothing
Email 3
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: My last try I promise…
Body: So obviously you're not into tall, dark, handsome, and funny guys so how about the adventurous type? Did I ever tell you the story about when I was rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh ahh, I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize "Holy shit, Derek, haven't you been smoking Peyote for six straight days, and couldn't some of this maybe be in your head?"
"And?" you ask.
And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
I'm Derek and your name is?
Response: Nothing (haha)
Email 4 (Sent right after this post)
To: (Radio Edit)
Title: So I lied…
Body: www.e4-d01rok.blogspot.com
Response: TBC???
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
(Since it’s my Dad’s birthday month I’ll be rocking Van Halen all December, Happy Birthday Stubby!)
Coming Correct,
d01roK
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