“Feelings of oneness with the entire universe. Visions and images of distant times and places. Sensations of vibrant currents of energy coursing through the body, accompanied by spasms of violent trembling. Visions of deities, demigods, and demons. Vivid flashes of light and rainbow colors. Fears of impending insanity, even death (Grof, 1989, Spiritual Emergency).”
This is the opening paragraph to a book I read last summer (be impressed). I suppose I was searching for an answer of what this BMD was. I had just quit my second job in as many years due to my mania and I was completely confused. I just wanted to know what this was.
I spent hours online googling and reading any site I could over the subject of BMD (maybe redtube every once in awhile). All the medical sites and information where too general to even attempt to be helpful and too sugarcoated for my likes (random but I also wasted like an hour watching some dude on myspace named Bipolar Man, wacky stuff). Their definition and list of symptoms for BMD sounded like a veterinary describing the behavior of a kitten (google it, screw it I’ll do it for you:
Long period of feeling “high”, or an overly happy or outgoing mood
Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling “jumpy” or “wired”
Being easily distracted
+ Behaving impulsively and taking part in a lot of pleasurable high-risk behaviors
= Spanky the Kitten)
I was frustrated because I couldn’t tell which of the following two things was happening; either what I experienced was so rare that no information existed or people weren’t being honest. The more I get involved with this BMD in all its facets the more I’m beginning to believe that I’m not out of the ordinary, that there are others out there who have experienced similar episodes but for some reason or the other aren’t being heard in the medical field. I’m beginning to think that the real side of BMD is hidden away by the gate keepers for reasons that benefit themselves. It’s difficult to talk about one’s weaknesses and troubles, especially when they involve mental issues but I can’t buy that as an excuse.
During my last getaway at club psych ward (southside!) I was able to meet a mother and daughter that truly inspired me. The daughter was in the unit with me and was fighting her own battles and demons yet when she spoke of her mother there was something that lifted her. During groups she would tell stories about the troubles her family and especially her mother have been faced with. They faced daily challenges that I have difficulty comprehending, they should be broken and without hope. I met her mother the day I was released and I’ll never forget the few minutes we shared.
She had just been released from the hospital that day after battling an illness yet she was still there for her daughter. She struggled to stand up as we were introduced due to only having one arm and one leg. She smiled at me and we chatted for a few minutes and I was astounded at her will and strength and overcome by her outlook in life. These two women who have every reason in the world to hide from the truth and abandon hope are actually lifting me up.
Keep faith she says…
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!