They Say I Say
They say I’m sick and weak in the mind
They say I’m out of control and crossed the line
They say the illness has taken me, it's useless to cry
They say not to be myself, to live a life that is a lie
They say to live in fear is better than to not live at all
They say you can always pick yourself up from the fall
I say I’m of more than able and like mind
I say I’m pushing the limits and this is my time
I say this is my life and only mine
I say to live a life of lies is to live blind
I say my life will not revolve around fear
I say they should turn around and take a look in the mirror
I say how do they know all of this if we all are to live untruthful lives
I say how do I know the difference between their truths and their lies
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 33
Side Effects from Abilify:
Severe allergic reactions: rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue; abnormal thinking (I’m baffled on how you differentiate between normal and abnormal thinking when you have bipolar disorder); chest pain; confusion (I’m confused on what I’m supposed to look for in confusion); fainting; fast, slow, or irregular heartbeat; fever, chills, sore throat; increased sweating; involuntary movements of the tongue (how on God’s earth does “medicine” make you do that?), face, mouth, jaw, arms, legs, or back: eg, chewing movements, puckering of mouth, puffing of cheeks; loss of control over urination (OK, I admit it, I pissed myself once, literally woke up from a dream, looked down and said “What the hell? I just pissed myself.”); loss of coordination; muscle tremor, jerking, or stiffness (too easy); new or worsening mental or mood problems: eg, anxiety, depression, agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, inability to sit still; one-sided weakness (I don’t even understand that one); seizures; severe or persistent restlessness; shortness of breath; suicidal thoughts or attempts (these were the worst, by a long shot); swelling of the hands, ankles, or feet; symptoms of high blood sugar: eg, increased thirst, urination, or appetite; unusual weakness (oh, that must have been the reason why I could barely get the 135lbs up on the bench-press); trouble swallowing; trouble walking; unusual bruising (does this mean you wake up with weird shaped bruises?); unusual tiredness or weakness; vision or speech changes (once I woke up in the morning only speaking in rhymes, actually that’s just a little white lie, but it would have been a fun way to pass the time).
Honestly new “medicines” can be more than a little frustrating for multiple reasons but I’ll try to break it down in a clearer way:
Derek is normal. Then Derek is manic. Derek runs half naked around Denver. Derek gets put on 72 hour hold in psych ward. Derek gets put on Abilify. Derek is told medicine will make his craziness better. Derek is told do not go off your meds. Derek slips into deep depression. Derek experiences suicidal thoughts for the first time in his life. Derek decides to ignore docs and quit said meds. Derek is no longer suicidal.
OK it’s pretty obvious that I’m bias as all get out on this one but you’re just going to have to deal with it. Every time, and I do mean every time, I’ve talked to a new or potential doc for this BMD they have either put me on or tried to put me on a new medicine (Abilify, Depakote, Trileptal, Geodon, Lithium (OK I actually like that one)). I’m not inferring that the docs may be getting any kind of kick back from the pharmaceutical companies to push these drugs; I’m flat out saying it sure as hell feels like it.
This all may seem a little like coming out of left field here but I have decided to switch docs again because of multiple reasons but we’ll just say it’s because of location, location, location. I really have no idea about my new doc other than he’s within 30 miles of me, will take my high risk insurance, and is open for new patients (not really how I’d like to pick my healthcare providers but life can be a bitch sometimes).
I suppose I’m a little interested/excited/anxious to see if this doc can do what none of the rest have, make my life easier with BMD, but I’m not really confident of it. I think that’s due to my trust issues from all the previous experiences I’ve had with docs, “medicine”, and side-effects. All in all though I just hope he doesn’t try to force another medicine down my throat for whatever kickback he may get. Because I really could do without the suicidal thoughts, and I could definitely do without the whole pissing myself thing too.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
Severe allergic reactions: rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue; abnormal thinking (I’m baffled on how you differentiate between normal and abnormal thinking when you have bipolar disorder); chest pain; confusion (I’m confused on what I’m supposed to look for in confusion); fainting; fast, slow, or irregular heartbeat; fever, chills, sore throat; increased sweating; involuntary movements of the tongue (how on God’s earth does “medicine” make you do that?), face, mouth, jaw, arms, legs, or back: eg, chewing movements, puckering of mouth, puffing of cheeks; loss of control over urination (OK, I admit it, I pissed myself once, literally woke up from a dream, looked down and said “What the hell? I just pissed myself.”); loss of coordination; muscle tremor, jerking, or stiffness (too easy); new or worsening mental or mood problems: eg, anxiety, depression, agitation, panic attacks, aggressiveness, impulsiveness, irritability, hostility, exaggerated feeling of well-being, inability to sit still; one-sided weakness (I don’t even understand that one); seizures; severe or persistent restlessness; shortness of breath; suicidal thoughts or attempts (these were the worst, by a long shot); swelling of the hands, ankles, or feet; symptoms of high blood sugar: eg, increased thirst, urination, or appetite; unusual weakness (oh, that must have been the reason why I could barely get the 135lbs up on the bench-press); trouble swallowing; trouble walking; unusual bruising (does this mean you wake up with weird shaped bruises?); unusual tiredness or weakness; vision or speech changes (once I woke up in the morning only speaking in rhymes, actually that’s just a little white lie, but it would have been a fun way to pass the time).
Honestly new “medicines” can be more than a little frustrating for multiple reasons but I’ll try to break it down in a clearer way:
Derek is normal. Then Derek is manic. Derek runs half naked around Denver. Derek gets put on 72 hour hold in psych ward. Derek gets put on Abilify. Derek is told medicine will make his craziness better. Derek is told do not go off your meds. Derek slips into deep depression. Derek experiences suicidal thoughts for the first time in his life. Derek decides to ignore docs and quit said meds. Derek is no longer suicidal.
OK it’s pretty obvious that I’m bias as all get out on this one but you’re just going to have to deal with it. Every time, and I do mean every time, I’ve talked to a new or potential doc for this BMD they have either put me on or tried to put me on a new medicine (Abilify, Depakote, Trileptal, Geodon, Lithium (OK I actually like that one)). I’m not inferring that the docs may be getting any kind of kick back from the pharmaceutical companies to push these drugs; I’m flat out saying it sure as hell feels like it.
This all may seem a little like coming out of left field here but I have decided to switch docs again because of multiple reasons but we’ll just say it’s because of location, location, location. I really have no idea about my new doc other than he’s within 30 miles of me, will take my high risk insurance, and is open for new patients (not really how I’d like to pick my healthcare providers but life can be a bitch sometimes).
I suppose I’m a little interested/excited/anxious to see if this doc can do what none of the rest have, make my life easier with BMD, but I’m not really confident of it. I think that’s due to my trust issues from all the previous experiences I’ve had with docs, “medicine”, and side-effects. All in all though I just hope he doesn’t try to force another medicine down my throat for whatever kickback he may get. Because I really could do without the suicidal thoughts, and I could definitely do without the whole pissing myself thing too.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
Friday, August 19, 2011
Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 32
I really wanted to start this post out with a racing scenario that pitted the top five religions in the world (Christians, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, and Jews) in a rally race format, but it really wasn’t working out like I hoped. I had the religions all racing to Heaven, or enlightenment, or whatever you want to refer as the next step after life here on mother earth. It was supposed to be funny but I don’t think it really is/was.
I had the city of Jerusalem in the Holy Land as the track with the Wailing Wall as the start/finish line. Of course the Jews and Muslims hadn’t left the line because they were too busy arguing on who got the pole located nearest to the Western Wall. The Jews say it’s theirs because of their ties to the Temple Mount while the Muslims aren’t hearing that nonsense and claim the pole due to the belief Muhammad tethered Buraq there (see how it’s not really funny).
Then I had the Hindu’s bringing up the rear with all their damn cattle, well I guess it’s the rear. See the Buddhists had actually turned around and gone the other direction on the track, chanting something that sounds like a Dalai Lama quote about enlightenment. This was all heavily overshadowed though by the Christians hauling ass around the track and screaming out the window how everyone else is doing it wrong.
Not real solid or one of my best I know which is why I spared you and gave the cliff notes version rather than the in race reports from each team/religion like I had thought I was going to do. I’m not even real sure how I was going to tie this all in together with my BMD but I think it had something to do with winning (insert annoying Charlie Sheen reference here).
Prior to episode uno I saw my place in the world as I was either winning or losing; I was one or the other. I took this approach to my career where I was fixated on becoming the best, being a winner no matter what. But at the time I didn’t realize something that I try to remember on a daily basis now. That is that I’ve known some “winners” in my life that are pretty shitty people and I know some “losers” that are great people.
Basically it’s the journey that matters for me now, not what place I’m in when I finish (I mean I’m pretty sure we’re all trying to get to the same place so I just wanna get there). The journey is what makes me better. Winning is part of that journey but it’s not necessarily the most important part to me anymore. I try not to view the world so simply that it can be differentiated between either winners or losers. I think my bipolar world is both and the journey is learning how to live as a winner and a loser.
!!THIS JUST IN!!!
It seems the Buddhists have made a brash and unexpected move and put the Christians into the Wailing Wall. The Jews are pissed and going after the Buddhist and that has allowed the Muslims to take the lead with the white flag waving. . .
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
I had the city of Jerusalem in the Holy Land as the track with the Wailing Wall as the start/finish line. Of course the Jews and Muslims hadn’t left the line because they were too busy arguing on who got the pole located nearest to the Western Wall. The Jews say it’s theirs because of their ties to the Temple Mount while the Muslims aren’t hearing that nonsense and claim the pole due to the belief Muhammad tethered Buraq there (see how it’s not really funny).
Then I had the Hindu’s bringing up the rear with all their damn cattle, well I guess it’s the rear. See the Buddhists had actually turned around and gone the other direction on the track, chanting something that sounds like a Dalai Lama quote about enlightenment. This was all heavily overshadowed though by the Christians hauling ass around the track and screaming out the window how everyone else is doing it wrong.
Not real solid or one of my best I know which is why I spared you and gave the cliff notes version rather than the in race reports from each team/religion like I had thought I was going to do. I’m not even real sure how I was going to tie this all in together with my BMD but I think it had something to do with winning (insert annoying Charlie Sheen reference here).
Prior to episode uno I saw my place in the world as I was either winning or losing; I was one or the other. I took this approach to my career where I was fixated on becoming the best, being a winner no matter what. But at the time I didn’t realize something that I try to remember on a daily basis now. That is that I’ve known some “winners” in my life that are pretty shitty people and I know some “losers” that are great people.
Basically it’s the journey that matters for me now, not what place I’m in when I finish (I mean I’m pretty sure we’re all trying to get to the same place so I just wanna get there). The journey is what makes me better. Winning is part of that journey but it’s not necessarily the most important part to me anymore. I try not to view the world so simply that it can be differentiated between either winners or losers. I think my bipolar world is both and the journey is learning how to live as a winner and a loser.
!!THIS JUST IN!!!
It seems the Buddhists have made a brash and unexpected move and put the Christians into the Wailing Wall. The Jews are pissed and going after the Buddhist and that has allowed the Muslims to take the lead with the white flag waving. . .
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
Friday, August 12, 2011
Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 31
I have a confession to make, I judge people, and I really like to do it too.
I do know it’s not a very good trait of mine and one that I am working on but let’s just say I still need a lot of work. I don’t so much judge the people I know for the ways they act, think or what have you. Nope, I save my judgment for the poor bastards I don’t know (most notably people in waiting rooms and especially mental doc’s waiting rooms).
I’m sure you all think that I’m going to hell, well then it’s a good thing I’ve already been there a couple times and know my way around. Anyways I’m sure you’ve never judged anyone in your life, except for me of course for writing this. It’s ok, you can admit it to yourself, that’s the first step (and the hardest, but I believe in you).
Ha-ha, OK, OK I’ll quit the bullshit. But I honestly do judge people a ton in my waiting rooms. I’m looking them up and down and assessing what they’re reading, doing or acting, ya know just trying to get a read on them. During this judgment of mine I more likely than not can expect the very same treatment from them. We’re both more than likely thinking:
“What the hell are they in here for? Damn, I wonder if they’re crazier than me.”
Well at least I’m thinking that. This logic of course gets thrown out the window when the person in the waiting room isn’t a patient. If it’s a friend, or guardian, or even a parent I can usually tell right away. The ones I judge the most are the parents of the teenager patients. They usually aren’t taking the entire BS involved with mental health as well as their kids and the frustration is more than evident on my fellow teenage patients’ faces.
I can recall one particular judgment of mine occurring after episode deuce in The Nasty while I was participating in the study at UC. I had to return to the waiting room for a few minutes until I could get my blood work taken and as I entered I exchange polite nods to a teenage girl (obviously the patient, damn it I’m judging again) and her father (an example of a teenage parent not taking it well). I could feel the tension in the room between these two right away and decided I was on her side (I already didn’t like him).
Instead of sitting I stood by the bulletin board and read the numerous flyers over every conceivable study you can think of. If you had a mental health condition and needed $22 a visit (or something close to that) this board was your key to success. I scanned through them but one in particular caught my eye about bipolar disorder and marijuana. I read the entire flyer and looked down for a tab to take a number when I (as well as the uptight dad watching me from behind) noticed they were all gone. In a smart-ass and judgmental tone he pronounced:
“Surprising isn’t it? All the weed ones are the only ones gone from the flyers.”
What a dick (my turn to judge). I turned my head slightly towards him and his daughter and snapped back:
“If you’ve seen what I’ve seen, you’d smoke too.”
I glanced back at his daughter as I left the waiting room and we exchanged a small laugh and smirk.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
I do know it’s not a very good trait of mine and one that I am working on but let’s just say I still need a lot of work. I don’t so much judge the people I know for the ways they act, think or what have you. Nope, I save my judgment for the poor bastards I don’t know (most notably people in waiting rooms and especially mental doc’s waiting rooms).
I’m sure you all think that I’m going to hell, well then it’s a good thing I’ve already been there a couple times and know my way around. Anyways I’m sure you’ve never judged anyone in your life, except for me of course for writing this. It’s ok, you can admit it to yourself, that’s the first step (and the hardest, but I believe in you).
Ha-ha, OK, OK I’ll quit the bullshit. But I honestly do judge people a ton in my waiting rooms. I’m looking them up and down and assessing what they’re reading, doing or acting, ya know just trying to get a read on them. During this judgment of mine I more likely than not can expect the very same treatment from them. We’re both more than likely thinking:
“What the hell are they in here for? Damn, I wonder if they’re crazier than me.”
Well at least I’m thinking that. This logic of course gets thrown out the window when the person in the waiting room isn’t a patient. If it’s a friend, or guardian, or even a parent I can usually tell right away. The ones I judge the most are the parents of the teenager patients. They usually aren’t taking the entire BS involved with mental health as well as their kids and the frustration is more than evident on my fellow teenage patients’ faces.
I can recall one particular judgment of mine occurring after episode deuce in The Nasty while I was participating in the study at UC. I had to return to the waiting room for a few minutes until I could get my blood work taken and as I entered I exchange polite nods to a teenage girl (obviously the patient, damn it I’m judging again) and her father (an example of a teenage parent not taking it well). I could feel the tension in the room between these two right away and decided I was on her side (I already didn’t like him).
Instead of sitting I stood by the bulletin board and read the numerous flyers over every conceivable study you can think of. If you had a mental health condition and needed $22 a visit (or something close to that) this board was your key to success. I scanned through them but one in particular caught my eye about bipolar disorder and marijuana. I read the entire flyer and looked down for a tab to take a number when I (as well as the uptight dad watching me from behind) noticed they were all gone. In a smart-ass and judgmental tone he pronounced:
“Surprising isn’t it? All the weed ones are the only ones gone from the flyers.”
What a dick (my turn to judge). I turned my head slightly towards him and his daughter and snapped back:
“If you’ve seen what I’ve seen, you’d smoke too.”
I glanced back at his daughter as I left the waiting room and we exchanged a small laugh and smirk.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
Friday, August 5, 2011
Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 30
Yes the rumors you all haven’t been hearing are true; I’m trying to sell out.
For the past year and a half or so I’ve heard family and friends try to persuade me into writing a book. I never really paid too much attention to them as I didn’t believe I was good enough to accomplish such a feat as being published. I mean I am the same guy who “dishonored my father with my poor grammar and punctuation” on an essay in college so I didn’t want to kill the poor bastard by attempting to write a book.
That’s not completely true though either, I guess I really wasn’t ready to write a book. I think I wasn’t to the point where I felt comfortable enough with who I was to share (I am dealing with some crazy shit peeps). I was merely using this blog as a therapeutic tool for my own recovery. I think there was a little bit of nerves involved in telling the world about my mental vulnerabilities, but luckily I’m pretty much over that now.
The way I look at it is that I’ve pretty much been getting my ass kicked for the past three years and I’d like to be the one kicking some ass now. A few days out of the hospital last year I was chatting with a friend online and telling her what had happened. She genuinely expressed her concern and wished me luck with my mania. I told her that one day I’d make this mania my bitch; hopefully that day is now.
Without further ado the title of my memoir (well working title, my editor said it could be changed by the agent or publisher; the Man is already getting me down) is Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I’ve Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic’s Mood Chart. I know it’s long but like I was going to do anything traditional and/or conventional, you all know me better than that. That’s exactly why the memoir is actually a mood chart of this blog organized in the colors of the rainbow corresponding with seven states of mood through three sections of Depressed, Normal, and Elevated rather than by chapters. There is no linear story so the book can be read cover-to-cover or in random (don’t act like you’re not impressed).
So I’ve started this process and have my manuscript complete with my query letter and proposal (well it will be done by next week) and I’m off to the next step of finding an agent. This is where my selling out needs your help (you knew there was a catch). After some industry advice (thanks Professor X) I’ve decided to try and create some market support via social media for this book (the agents and publishers go ape shit for this I guess). In preparation for my agent hunting next week I’ve created a facebook page for my book and would really appreciate some support on it. I mean you don’t even have to read the description or look at the pictures, just a simple click of the like button would be great (and tell your friends, I know, I’m needy).
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Somewhere-Over-the-Rainbow-Ive-Lost-My-Damn-Mind-A-Manics-Mood-Chart/134151156666073?sk=info
Much love peeps, much love
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
For the past year and a half or so I’ve heard family and friends try to persuade me into writing a book. I never really paid too much attention to them as I didn’t believe I was good enough to accomplish such a feat as being published. I mean I am the same guy who “dishonored my father with my poor grammar and punctuation” on an essay in college so I didn’t want to kill the poor bastard by attempting to write a book.
That’s not completely true though either, I guess I really wasn’t ready to write a book. I think I wasn’t to the point where I felt comfortable enough with who I was to share (I am dealing with some crazy shit peeps). I was merely using this blog as a therapeutic tool for my own recovery. I think there was a little bit of nerves involved in telling the world about my mental vulnerabilities, but luckily I’m pretty much over that now.
The way I look at it is that I’ve pretty much been getting my ass kicked for the past three years and I’d like to be the one kicking some ass now. A few days out of the hospital last year I was chatting with a friend online and telling her what had happened. She genuinely expressed her concern and wished me luck with my mania. I told her that one day I’d make this mania my bitch; hopefully that day is now.
Without further ado the title of my memoir (well working title, my editor said it could be changed by the agent or publisher; the Man is already getting me down) is Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I’ve Lost My Damn Mind: A Manic’s Mood Chart. I know it’s long but like I was going to do anything traditional and/or conventional, you all know me better than that. That’s exactly why the memoir is actually a mood chart of this blog organized in the colors of the rainbow corresponding with seven states of mood through three sections of Depressed, Normal, and Elevated rather than by chapters. There is no linear story so the book can be read cover-to-cover or in random (don’t act like you’re not impressed).
So I’ve started this process and have my manuscript complete with my query letter and proposal (well it will be done by next week) and I’m off to the next step of finding an agent. This is where my selling out needs your help (you knew there was a catch). After some industry advice (thanks Professor X) I’ve decided to try and create some market support via social media for this book (the agents and publishers go ape shit for this I guess). In preparation for my agent hunting next week I’ve created a facebook page for my book and would really appreciate some support on it. I mean you don’t even have to read the description or look at the pictures, just a simple click of the like button would be great (and tell your friends, I know, I’m needy).
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Somewhere-Over-the-Rainbow-Ive-Lost-My-Damn-Mind-A-Manics-Mood-Chart/134151156666073?sk=info
Much love peeps, much love
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
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