Monday, September 27, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 32

Rat Tail
Z’s on the side
Cowboy Boots
Osh Kosh B’Gosh Bibs

If you got halfway down this list and instantly pictured me as a young boy I am a little more than concerned (aside from you Mom). But that is exactly the look I use to rock back in the eighties (dead sexy I know). Over the years my haircut decisions didn’t get much better; being the grass fairy I was the bowl cut slipped in somewhere in the early nineties and was persistent enough to make it to High School. I would make tiny alterations to my bowl which included shaving underneath and putting my number shaved in my head (can’t believe I had my V Card till my late teens).

My number growing up was the number five and to be honest I have no idea why I chose that number. I think it was an omen of some kind to tell my future self (me now) that my fifth doctor I see will be the last (it’s a stretch but does give me hope).

Since I was able to get insurance I’ve been on the hunt for a new doc. The UC doc was great but doesn’t have a private practice so it was back to the hunt. I’ll admit that I’m not the most cooperating patient due to my trust issues I’ve had so far with my docs. My first doc in Colorado I was sent to after I was released from club psych ward Porter Hospital branch was really easy to find. This was probably due to the fact that the doc’s office was in the Kaiser Permanente building in Denver. Kaiser Permanente was my insurance so really easy to remember (I wonder who’s interest this doc had in mind? Probably not the guy making him work on Friday afternoon, that was me).

I will say though the next couple of docs were real pieces of works of which my last first doc’s appointment involved the following closing arguments from myself:


Needless to say our relationship didn’t progress past the initial meeting. I do like my new doc but there is one little annoyance (ok two, she calls BMD my illness, not a fan of that) she wants me to take another medicine to help level me out. I told her I’d do the research over it and let her know but I highly doubt I add anything, I feel my lithium is working and my side effects are nearly gone save the occasional instance when I’m sliding into third and feel a little turd, diarrhea (Redlegs magic number is 1, got my playoff tickets and look for me to rebuttal Colin Cowherd’s ridiculous Reds rants of regularity).

This is the fifth doc I’ve seen and that would make the soccer number shaved prophecy come true but I'm having difficulty trusting someone after spending only twenty minutes together she is wanting to medicate me more (kind of feel like she's pushing her own agenda rather than treating me). All I hear about is trying to level me out, what’s good about that? This BMD is all over the place and by numbing me into a level someone else feels comfortable about is not living, and I’m not going to do it.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Friday, September 17, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 31

“Feelings of oneness with the entire universe. Visions and images of distant times and places. Sensations of vibrant currents of energy coursing through the body, accompanied by spasms of violent trembling. Visions of deities, demigods, and demons. Vivid flashes of light and rainbow colors. Fears of impending insanity, even death (Grof, 1989, Spiritual Emergency).”

This is the opening paragraph to a book I read last summer (be impressed). I suppose I was searching for an answer of what this BMD was. I had just quit my second job in as many years due to my mania and I was completely confused. I just wanted to know what this was.

I spent hours online googling and reading any site I could over the subject of BMD (maybe redtube every once in awhile). All the medical sites and information where too general to even attempt to be helpful and too sugarcoated for my likes (random but I also wasted like an hour watching some dude on myspace named Bipolar Man, wacky stuff). Their definition and list of symptoms for BMD sounded like a veterinary describing the behavior of a kitten (google it, screw it I’ll do it for you:

Long period of feeling “high”, or an overly happy or outgoing mood
Extremely irritable mood, agitation, feeling “jumpy” or “wired”
Being easily distracted
Being restless
+ Behaving impulsively and taking part in a lot of pleasurable high-risk behaviors
= Spanky the Kitten)

I was frustrated because I couldn’t tell which of the following two things was happening; either what I experienced was so rare that no information existed or people weren’t being honest. The more I get involved with this BMD in all its facets the more I’m beginning to believe that I’m not out of the ordinary, that there are others out there who have experienced similar episodes but for some reason or the other aren’t being heard in the medical field. I’m beginning to think that the real side of BMD is hidden away by the gate keepers for reasons that benefit themselves. It’s difficult to talk about one’s weaknesses and troubles, especially when they involve mental issues but I can’t buy that as an excuse.

During my last getaway at club psych ward (southside!) I was able to meet a mother and daughter that truly inspired me. The daughter was in the unit with me and was fighting her own battles and demons yet when she spoke of her mother there was something that lifted her. During groups she would tell stories about the troubles her family and especially her mother have been faced with. They faced daily challenges that I have difficulty comprehending, they should be broken and without hope. I met her mother the day I was released and I’ll never forget the few minutes we shared.

She had just been released from the hospital that day after battling an illness yet she was still there for her daughter. She struggled to stand up as we were introduced due to only having one arm and one leg. She smiled at me and we chatted for a few minutes and I was astounded at her will and strength and overcome by her outlook in life. These two women who have every reason in the world to hide from the truth and abandon hope are actually lifting me up.

Keep faith she says…


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 30

I really need to begin this post off with an apology. To the woman (of course) driving down I-71 South this morning on the way to The Nasty in her white four door, I’m really sorry. This (I swear) is only my second real experience with what some would call road rage. I apologize for riding your bumper and laying on the horn. I shouldn’t have been giving you the finger or yelling out how intelligent I thought you weren’t. You just caught me on a bad day but that’s no excuse, I’m sincerely sorry.

Not that there’s any chance that this woman would ever read this blog (she’s not cool enough) but I felt I needed to publicly apologize for my behavior (whether it was rightfully deserved or not (it was though)). Pre-episodes I was always too busy dancing in my car to get any kind of worked up about being cut off. Since my episode deuce I’ve road raged twice, nothing too serious but I wanted to let the other drivers know I was pissed (pretty sure they got the point). It’s almost a little gratifying for me to experience rage or any other emotion other than the classic “What am I gonna do with my life now?” feeling I’ve had lately so I’m not too upset about my behavior.

I was on my way down to The Nasty this morning to drop off my car (big body beamer) since the lease is up this weekend. I suppose that was the reason that I wasn’t having the best day. Even though I wasn’t sad or disappointed that I couldn’t keep the car (when you’re on a sabbatical from life a beamer payment doesn’t equate well) it did feel as though what was my life three years ago is all but gone now.

While driving it for the last time I began thinking about my first ride from Colorado Springs back to Denver with my first big boy purchase ever. I was taking a lateral move for the tizzle but it meant a step up in terms of module size and responsibilities (basically a promotion but without the cake). I was moving to outside sales and felt it was more practical and professional to pick up clients in something other than a lifted jeep wrangler (jeep wave). I was moving to California in a matter of weeks and after three years of getting my tail kicked in I felt like the j-o-b was starting to click.

Of course we all know what happens next but I’ll still try to summarize in case; running around half naked through apartment building, obsessive showering, Jimi Hendrix, house climbing, attempted car jumping, CIA, no handlebars, spiritual mission, roof sliding, cable snakes, Guitar Hero, good vs. evil, psych ward, bipolar.

At about this point in my mind wandering the old lady deliberately cut me off to save being stuck behind a semi (she did use her blinker which she probably thought meant it was ok). So once again I’m sorry for the scare and rage on my end. However I’d also like to thank you because I had forgotten what it felt like to have passion for something. The past few months I haven’t felt anything other than concern for what’s going to happen next rather than enjoying the ride. So while I really hope the whole road rage is behind me I’m pretty glad it happened, I think sometimes I get too ahead of myself by looking in the past. I get caught up on where I’ve been rather than seeing what’s happening right in front of me. Thanks lady for being a shitty driver, it turned my day around.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,