Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 22

In case of an emergency please locate the nearest exit of the San Jose Airport or if you are in need of assistance the nearest airport personnel. The following items are restricted…

My phone starts to vibrate in my pocket and I begin to sense something is wrong.

Unknown Number


“911, what’s your emergency?”

“Uh, well I’m sorry but I don’t have an emergency, you called me.”

“No I’m sorry sir this call came to us, is there anything you need assistance with at the airport?”

How do they know where I’m at, it must be the surveillance cameras. This has to be a test to my nerves. I have been having some troubles keeping my cool and they must have seen me nervously pacing around.

“No problems here ma’am, I didn’t realize I had called you my apologies.”

“Well you might have accidentally called us, was your phone in your pocket?”

“Yes, it was my front jacket pocket.”

“Sometimes that happens, have a good day.”


How did she know my phone was in my pocket? There is no way I accidentally called 911 my phone was locked. Why are they checking up on me? Do they not think I can handle this? They chose me to complete this mission not the other way around. Remember to keep composure; balance, dedication, awareness, and passion…

To this day I’m still unclear if the above series of events were real or if they were hallucinated while I was visiting San Jose during episode uno. At this point I was pretty confused on what exactly was real and what exactly was fantasies in my mind (I also thought I met K.J. Choi in the airport so your guess is as good as mine). I realized that I’ve been complaining about my life a lot lately (my apologies for being selfish) and not filling you in on other aspects of my episodes. For instance the four “elements” I listed above (balance, dedication, awareness, and passion) played significant roles in episode uno. They actually make up the 4 in .e4. I became obsessed with these elements of life and spent hours (if not days, I really couldn’t tell you, I was pretty gone) writing them down in my gournal.

I was under the impression (not too far off I do believe) that the world (my life, one in the same during my episodes) was out of whack. That I was concentrating on the materials of life rather than what really mattered; for instance concentrating on my passion(s), being dedicated to them, having balance throughout all aspects in my life, and having awareness of everything around me. Looking back maybe these elements really aren’t so far off from reality; I just had to go crazy to realize that.


Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 21

I started writing this blog a little over a year ago and to say my life has changed would be a little bit of an understatement. When I started writing this I thought that this would be my release, my therapeutic way of handling the seemingly unfair and ridiculous hand I was dealt. Since then I’ve been through another manic episode, hospitalized, fought depression, moved to the city of wind, received a great internship, quit said internship, and planning a move back to Ohio. I’m not sure if this is helping but it’s about the only thing in my life that’s not disappointing at this point.

The past year kind of reminds me of my first date (and yes I was a freshman before I got a date and yes it was a blind date and yes I was set up and yes it was as pathetic as it sounds). Just as this past year began so did my date, I was filled with enthusiasm, optimism, excitement, and all around happiness. My best friend at the time (we’ll call him Wolverine for no apparent reasons other than I watched “Van Helsing” last night, on ABC Family mind you, and Hugh Jackman was in it and he was also the Wolverine; this is how my mind works) talked me up to go on a date with his girlfriend’s best friend. I was beside myself for a number of reasons; one I was only a freshman and they were sophomores, two I had a bowl cut (enough said), and three we were picking them up at their parent’s house then heading to the drive-in (yes we had drive-ins where I grew up).

Of course Wolverine is talking me up the whole way to the girls and giving me confidence that I no way deserved. I mean I was a soccer playing, bowl cut, 5’1”, 105 lbs, farm boy that had never even had a girlfriend and this girl was older, way hotter, talked into this by her friend, and a cheerleader from a rival school (I had no shot). If I had any sense at all I would have bailed on the whole date but I like to live on the edge, and once again I fell.

So we show up at the house and the first thing I noticed about my date is that she definitely doesn’t want to go and she's way out of my league (perfect start). I try to say hello to her mom and Wolverine’s date but my voice cracks not once but twice (disappointing starts now). We manage to get out of the house (where I left any resemblance of my dignity) and make our way to the drive-in. Being the gentleman that I am I hide in the trunk to save five bucks (but somehow I still paid for everyone) and at least become the funny guy. The movie, well I couldn’t tell you about the movie, I was too impressed on watching Wolverine not only cuddle with his girl but somehow manage to flirt with my date (I was in aw with this move). Needless to say I never went on another date with said girl as Wolverine began dating her shortly after the drive-in (that’s what I get for having a hotter date than his girlfriend).

In the end the date was a total disaster and one of the most disappointing times in my life. I surely didn’t believe I was going to make any headway with the older, more attractive, and cooler cheerleader but I really didn’t think I would make a fool out of myself either. Maybe that’s a fault of mine that others can relate to, I have too high of ambitions. I dream that everything will work out just right for me and that my moves in life are orchestrated in a manner only destined for success. The true reality of it all is that just like my first date, this past year was built up entirely too high in my head. The only thing this does is make it so much more disappointing when I don’t make it. I have been struggling (to say the least) this past couple weeks with dealing with the disappointment of my mania coming back and having to start over. But I realize that I can’t let this past year of “disappointment” get me down (though it has been a huge bitch) because just like if my first date would have been a success I wouldn’t have experienced a lot of things in this world (Qantas Flight Attendant you know what I’m saying, I kid I kid, but seriously) that have been unbelievable.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 20

“Alright guys, I’m going to take it easy on you because you’re all new and didn’t know what you were doing but these hot sheets…”

I begin to lose focus and start drifting away in my mind. My ability to stay in the now slowly begins to fade and I start to separate from space and time. My heart rate slows down at first and steadily rises and falls despite my efforts for control. My arms begin to tingle…

“Is this really happening now? Come on.”

I try to center myself and make eye contact and take notes but the effort is useless. A mellow energy overtakes me and my hands become numb. I am using all my strength to maintain but I know it’s coming unless I do something. Back at my desk I have difficulty holding the tears back and blame it on my allergies. I have come to the conclusion and know this isn’t working.

That’s life and it’s not fair
It is what it is
God works in mysterious ways
What does not kill me can only make me stronger
Everyone has problems
You can only play the hand you are dealt

I have been reciting these sayings over and over in my head for the past 24 hours or so to try in some way help myself deal with my latest BMD experience. I had to resign from my internship yesterday due to the above passage; my mania was coming back. I thought that if I entered into something that I loved, like sports, that it would somehow counteract my mania and I’d be fine. That unfortunately is not the case and now I’ve got to start from square one; again.

I will be moving back to Ohio and more than likely The Nasty in August to try and figure out this BMD and how I can live with it. To be completely honest I’m actually looking forward to moving back because I never left out of spite or dislike but rather because I was chasing a dream. The dream to making it in the sports marketing industry like the success I had found with AT&T before episode uno. That dream is gone now, I simply can’t do it.

I love The Nasty and the people there and it’s home but I am struggling with not being able to do things that once came easy to me. I thrived in the high octane, fast paced, sales environment of AT&T and thought if only I changed industries I’d be fine. That it was the telecommunications aspects of the job that triggered my mania and by following my passion in sports in the city of wind I’d be fine. That is not the case and it’s difficult to accept that at something I once was so successful, something I enjoyed, something I was building my life around is gone forever through no fault of my own.

This BMD of late has made me take a look at my life and it makes me feel as though I have nothing to show for my hardwork, dedication, persistence, and effort I’ve logged in pursuit of my career. It has drained me of my energy to the point that I sit and cry trying to understand something that is beyond my comprehension…

Keep faith; and keep fighting

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

Monday, June 7, 2010

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 2 Issue 19

I have been fortunate enough to receive a new nickname to add to my list; Chandler. Yes a couple of my new coworkers (well I’m an intern but give me a break, you’re about to see why) have decided that since I’m old (29, not that old) and an intern that my nickname is Chandler from “Friends” (except I don’t get to sleep with that Cougar). I of course laughed at the gesture and honestly didn’t mind the fun until I learned of my tasks for a couple weeks this summer; receptionist.

I totally understand that I’m starting from the bottom once again but this BMD will flare up and when it comes out it’s usually just to my parents, but why should they have all the fun (I’ll leave out the tears for you all though). Of course I’ll go along with the joke but there is a small piece inside of me that would like to let them know what I’m thinking.

“Never mind the fact that I, just a mere two years ago, was an up and coming talent on my way to the top of a company of 300K plus employees. Or that I’ve managed a $5 million annual module; which is a third of the total revenue this company brings in annually. I wasn’t driving an X5 (big body beamer) or approved for a $300K home loan. Just ignore the fact that I was overtaking the top performing module within my division in Silicon Valley which would have easily performed to the tune of a six figure income for me. I wasn’t looking at returning back to school at a little known university on the west coast; Stanford (maybe you’ve heard of it, or at least seen their tree mascot). No, no, I wanted to leave all of this behind to come and answer your phones, where’s the transfer button again (let’s get serious)?”

Of course I’d never say this but from time to time it would feel really good to. Don’t get me wrong I’m very proud of myself for getting this far. I mean in just those same two years I’ve been hospitalized twice (in a psych ward, that’s like double jeopardy or something), fought depression twice, was lucky enough to overcome suicidal thoughts and intentions, and have picked myself up off the ground more times than I’d like to count. But I can’t tell them any of this, not because I’m afraid that I’d lose any opportunity at a potential job (this is what I always thought before). But rather because I don’t need to.

I know for the longest time I cared entirely too much about what others thought of me (before and after my episodes). I was telling my parents how much of a tough time I’m having for some reason right now. Is it a combination of moving to a new city, starting a new career (well attempting at least), dealing with finding healthcare (practically impossible, thanks pre-existing condition), and not really giving myself time to recover (6 days after I got out of the hospital I was back in class, teacher’s pet)?

To be completely honest I don’t have the answer to any of this and no one does. I refuse to quit, I’m not sure where I’ll end up but I have to keep grinding (hoagies and grinders, hoagies and grinders) for me. If I stop caring then eventually no one will care; that’s the furthest thing I want.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,