HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!
A couple of the patients were running up and down the halls of our unit (Southside!) screaming and celebrating the New Year, I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate. I rolled over on my side and went back to sleep, hopefully tomorrow I’ll get out of the hospital, too bad deep down I knew that wasn’t true.
I had gone to bed early before the NYE parties had really even kicked off, I was still quite delusional which translated into me believing that the television shows, especially football games, were being influenced by my thoughts. The weather for a majority of the bowl games was pretty awful and I thought that was in direct relationship to my “attempt” to end the world (failed attempt of course). I spent the majority of my NYE sitting on a window seal looking out the window and wondering what my friends were doing. I’m sure they were excitedly preparing for the festivities of the upcoming night by pressing their clothes, buying booze, trying on their ridiculous 2010 glasses, and celebrating another year in the books. I, on the other hand, was lost and confused once again.
Stubby came by the hospital the next day and tried to lift my spirits by bringing me a pizza, he accidentally put onions on it and I cussed him out and walked out on him for it. It was taking every bit of my strength to try and battle back from my episode and I was feeling I couldn’t get a break. My parents and Aunt had visited me while I was in the psych ward but that was it.
A family friend recently had a horrible farming accident that threatened their life. It’s almost scarily common for one of these accidents to occur in the community, that’s part of the farming life. Stubby and I had just gotten to Chicago when we heard the news of the accident. We were provided updates from our family who had gone to the hospital to offer support. I can recall when Poncho was badly hurt in a snowmobile accident and hearing of all the family and friends who came and consoled our family at the hospital. No one came to see me.
In hindsight it is probably more than better that my friends and family really didn’t visit me in the hospital; I know I wasn’t a pretty sight. But sitting there alone in the psych ward on NYE knowing that just about everyone you know is out enjoying and celebrating life while I’m in a fight for mine takes a toll on you. I struggled for awhile once I left the hospital with the notions that my friends and family didn’t care. I’ve always thought as myself as a friend who is there in others’ times of need always willing to lend a hand, encouragement, and bed to anyone who needs it. In my time of need I felt betrayed by the selfishness of others and the users I once thought as my friends.
To say I still don’t struggle with this from time to time would be a lie. However I’ve tried to use it to motivate me to better myself more. To give me strength to be the person I know I can be rather the person I think I should be. I swore I would not speak to some friends who I felt totally deserted me in my most vulnerable time, but that would make me no better than them. Rather I’ll dedicate my life to working harder, being a better person, and showing them what I already know; they’ll never be a good as person as me.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!