It’s 1 am Thursday morning (that’s Wednesday night for you time challenged peeps, don’t feel bad, I’m in the same boat with ya) and I’m standing beside a guy dressed like a bear dancing on a bar with a beer in my hand and a buzz in my head. There are so many things that are not right with this situation that I don’t really know where to start; the guy dressed like a bear would probably be the best place. I’m looking around and decide it’s time to leave, I know I’m going to pay for this tomorrow.
Just three hours prior to the dancing bear incident I was sitting in bed knowing I wasn’t going to do anything, it wasn’t worth it. I’m not saying that going out in the Nasty isn’t a good time but I’ve learned that whenever I venture out I end up indulging myself in some adult beverages and they like to play with my mind later. I’m not trying to downplay anyone else’s hang over because I’ve seen some of my good friends fight the good fight against the alcohol demon the next day and feel nothing but bad for them. However after I drink my next day is more than likely filled with some intense cycling from my BMD that sends me on a whirlwind of day.
I spend a decent amount of my days trying to figure out this BMD I’ve been handed and that entails a lot of control battles. To try and put it into terms for someone that is having a tough time trying to pick up what I’m putting down I’ll try to explain it in more relatable terms. I’m sure everyone has had some sort of injury throughout their life (and if not you’re more than likely Bruce Willis’ character in his worse movie ever, “Unbreakable”, and I pity you) and with that injury you always have downtime when you are just unable to run, walk, write, turn your head, lift something or whatever the case may be due to the injury. During this time you lose trust in whatever you injured and lose belief you’ll ever be the same again. In any case eventually your injury heals and you are back to your old self again but there’s always some time after you’re cleared from your doctor that you spend time learning to trust whatever you injured again. You know you’re ok but in the back of your mind you can still recall the pain and distrust you had in your injury and it takes some time to believe in it again. But over time you begin to forget about the injury and it goes to the back of your mind and then eventually it’s gone and you are back to your old self.
That unfortunately is not going to be a reality for me, I’m always going to have BMD. So I struggle in trying to believe in my mind again and trust myself again, and it gets tough. I’m not trying to say that my mind or for that case I’m broken and can’t be fixed, I’m just saying that I’m a little different now and learning to handle everything. It’s like when you injured yourself and now you’re healed up and ready to go, the next time you do whatever activity you injured yourself in you might go at it in a little different angle, I’m just looking for that angle.
For me one of those new angles is to go out and have a few drinks with a friend and try to forget. It’s funny how going out on a Wednesday night in the Nasty’s downtown with a dancing bear will make you feel a little normal, and how good that can feel sometimes. Is it the solution? No, and I know that, but it’s like sending a player back down to the minors to find his swing. They know they aren’t going to stay down there for the rest of their career but it has a purpose and why not enjoy the time that you are down there?
On a brighter side I didn’t smoke one cig last night and the one I took from the bathroom attendant (lame) I gave to the homeless guy on my walk home, my good deed for the day (sort of).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!