So in the past week or so I’ve accomplished to lose my debit card, job, parking garage card, and my mind. Ok, ok, that maybe an exaggeration but starting out this entry with that line was just irresistible, I mean it has everything to get you hooked in. There’s the subtle normal everyday occurrences of misplacing your debit card (or leaving it in the ATM machine Saturday night around midnight because you just had to beat the crowd to the bar) as well as the misplacing of the parking garage card (which I was able to accomplish in a mere six hours, a new record for myself considering it never leaves my vehicle, until now of course, I think). Add in the dramatics of losing both my mind and job, I also probably need to explain that I really didn’t lose my job, I made the decision to resign but losing my job in the first line was a lot more climatic and who doesn’t like a cliffhanger? I should also clarify that I really didn’t lose my mind, but just had probably the closest thing to another episode since Denver, once again though this isn’t nearly as climatic as my opening statement.
Yeah I did have a couple of days last week when I was cycling so severely that I actually was a little scared. I’m not talking about taking spin classes at your local Y on Monday nights cycling (while I can appreciate the fear involved in that as well) I was actually referring to going from manic back to normal back to manic to some sort of weird low emotion back to manic to normal over a course of two days. To try and paint a picture I would go from dancing my butt off in the middle of the living room jamming to Snow’s “Informer” (yes I know, simply classic) to crying my eyes out in the bathroom to running around The Nasty paranoid that I was being watched (ya know, a typical case of the Mondays). I was told that there could be triggers throughout my life that could set me into a manic state or even worse another episode, well I guess I found one. This actually came in the form of my job; I had tried to go back to doing a similar job and role in another company from which I had been working for prior to my Denver episode. The funny thing (while it may not seem funny, I have to laugh at it or I should say I’m not sure how else to handle it) there’s no guidebook or directions on how to handle BMD. While there seems to be similarities (or at least I’ve found similarities from a little research) on what other experience during mania, no one has seemed to take the time to actually study this and would rather try to “fix” the problem by drugging you beyond comprehension (mmm, I’ll pass). So really the only way to figure out if something isn’t working is to do it, wait, and see what happens. Well needless to say trying to go back to a similar industry and a similar job just wasn’t in the cards and my mind let me know that.
The good news is that as soon as I separated myself from the familiar factors I was experiencing at work my mania came back into to check. I regained control (as much as I can have I guess) and feel really good again. It was really difficult for me to have to quit my job as I was doing so well and I really struggle saying or demonstrating that I’m not able to do something. As difficult as that is there’s no doubt I would have ended back in the hospital if I didn’t take the necessary steps to separate myself from those triggers at work. I guess I’m just learning to deal with all of this and it’s a rocky road, but at least there is a road.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!