“…it was at about this point in Denver that I thought something really wrong was going on. I mean I was running down the road away from my friends because I thought I was a human bomb set to detonate whenever I entered a hospital.”
“Okay Derek I’m going to stop you right there. From what I’ve heard I think you’d be a perfect candidate for my little ‘wonder drug’ Geodon. I’ve had nothing but success with this particular medicine and a lot of my patients have seen a dramatic difference with their bipolar disorder.”
“Well, I’m on lithium now and it really seems to be working pretty well. I don’t think I need another medicine right now, I’m feeling pretty good.”
“Be that as it may but I’ve seen how adding Geodon as a maintenance treatment with lithium can be very beneficial. I can write you a script and get you started right after our session.”
This confidential patient doctor interaction occurred a couple years back and damn it if this lady wasn’t pouring it on pretty thick. Being trained in corporate sales techniques I can spot a bullshitter a mile away but I really wasn’t expecting to run into one at my assessment session with my new doc. I literally had been talking for about five to ten minutes about my BMD history before this woman was already prescribing a new medicine to me. Man this was some bullshit and it only made me feel more trapped by it all.
A few weeks after this hard sell by my doc I was hanging out one late evening enjoying an adult beverage or two with a buddy when he asked me this:
“Are you ever going to be free?”
I didn’t need to even think about it for one second before I responded:
At that exact moment and for awhile after it that’s exactly how I felt. I believed I could never be free and that the BMD would hold me captive for as long as I lived. I felt as if I wasn’t in control of my life and the mania played more than a significant role in shaping who I was and what I would eventually become. I thought I was trapped by not only the stigmas and stereotypes of mental health but also the restrictions it put on my abilities. I felt my freedom was gone.
I don’t think that’s so much of an accurate portrayal of the way I see my life any more though. However before this I used to be scared that I wouldn’t fit in. That people would not necessarily like me and that I’d be somehow left out by not being like everyone else. I was scared of being myself at times because I cared so much about what others thought.
In case you were wondering I never took the Geodon because I didn’t give a rat’s ass what she thought or wanted me to do because I was living with the BMD and she wasn’t. That mentality has even found its way into those other aspects in my life that I used to be so fearful of just being me in. So maybe that’s the reason I don’t feel like I’m trapped anymore by this BMD and actually feel pretty damn free to be myself (and if you don’t like it; I really don’t give a rat’s ass).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!