“…it was at about this point in Denver that I
thought something really wrong was going on. I mean I was running down the road
away from my friends because I thought I was a human bomb set to detonate
whenever I entered a hospital.”
“Okay Derek I’m going to stop you right there.
From what I’ve heard I think you’d be a perfect candidate for my little ‘wonder
drug’ Geodon. I’ve had nothing but success with this particular medicine and a
lot of my patients have seen a dramatic difference with their bipolar disorder.”
“Well, I’m on lithium now and it really seems
to be working pretty well. I don’t think I need another medicine right now, I’m
feeling pretty good.”
“Be that as it may but I’ve seen how adding
Geodon as a maintenance treatment with lithium can be very beneficial. I can
write you a script and get you started right after our session.”
This confidential patient doctor interaction
occurred a couple years back and damn it if this lady wasn’t pouring it on
pretty thick. Being trained in corporate sales techniques I can spot a bullshitter
a mile away but I really wasn’t expecting to run into one at my assessment
session with my new doc. I literally had been talking for about five to ten
minutes about my BMD history before this woman was already prescribing a new
medicine to me. Man this was some bullshit and it only made me feel more
trapped by it all.
A few weeks after this hard sell by my doc I was
hanging out one late evening enjoying an adult beverage or two with a buddy
when he asked me this:
“Are you ever going to be free?”
I didn’t
need to even think about it for one second before I responded:
“No.”
At that
exact moment and for awhile after it that’s exactly how I felt. I believed I
could never be free and that the BMD would hold me captive for as long as I
lived. I felt as if I wasn’t in control of my life and the mania played more
than a significant role in shaping who I was and what I would eventually
become. I thought I was trapped by not
only the stigmas and stereotypes of mental health but also the restrictions it
put on my abilities. I felt my freedom was gone.
I don’t
think that’s so much of an accurate portrayal of the way I see my life any more
though. However before this I used to be scared that I wouldn’t fit in. That
people would not necessarily like me and that I’d be somehow left out by not
being like everyone else. I was scared of being myself at times because I cared
so much about what others thought.
In case
you were wondering I never took the Geodon because I didn’t give a rat’s ass
what she thought or wanted me to do because I was living with the BMD and she
wasn’t. That mentality has even found its way into those other aspects in my
life that I used to be so fearful of just being me in. So maybe that’s the
reason I don’t feel like I’m trapped anymore by this BMD and actually feel
pretty damn free to be myself (and if you don’t like it; I really don’t give a
rat’s ass).
Since many of my manic experiences
involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my
enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
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