While growing up in South Chuck there were a couple things that absolutely scared the bejesus out of me. The first was the FFA Tractor Day at school. Now for those of you who have not had the ultimate pleasure of participating in a FFA Tractor Day I’ll attempt to explain this nightmare of a day. Now because the FFA (oh, that’s Future Farmers of America by the way) is a nationally chartered and recognized High School organization they are afforded certain privileges throughout the year (and they get to wear these really sharp felt like blue and gold jackets) and one of these privileges is similar to Spirit Week for Homecoming (only I don’t get threatened by my dates Step-Dad with his watch like on Homecoming).
The hallways of the school are filled with Cowboy Hats (I never understood this b/c I’ve never seen a ranch in South Chuck), Wranglers (has it’s advantages when worn by a select few), lacers (boots, I think), the smell of tobacco, and then me all anxiously awaiting Tractor Day on Friday. Of course I’m going to be driving a tractor and I know I’m going to get the smallest tractor, I just had that feeling. My younger brother is driving a beast of machinery that has 12 tires and barely fits under the power lines stretching across the road. I drove what would amount to the infant baby brother to Poncho’s tractor. No matter how much smoke I was blowing out the pipes and how much I “revved” my Massie it just didn’t matter, I was terrified of FFA Tractor Day.
There was nothing quite as fun as riding in the Semi when we were either hauling to the elevator or coming from the fields. I enjoyed it so much because I didn’t have to do anything and could sit back and enjoy the ride. This would back fire time from time when I would doze off and really be out only to wake up alone. The cab would be empty, we’d be stopped, and it would be dead silent. That feeling of aloneness is a feeling I don’t like so much.
When I was recovering from my first episode I went through some deep depression that took my dislike for aloneness and amplified it. I was a few months out of the hospital when this started to happen and it got so bad that I would pray to not wake up the next day. I saw no point to anything and completely alone in my fight. I’ve been told depression usually follows manic episodes (I think of it as a counter-balance from being so high) and after this last episode I wanted so bad to not feel the effects of depression again, too bad.
The feelings of aloneness, inadequacy, worthlessness, and all their cousins showed up again and I still don’t like them so much. Depression makes me question why all this happened and to begin to regret it happened and feeling sorry for myself. I knew they were coming this time around so I was sort of ready but no match really. It takes all my energy and focus to fight off these feelings and that unfortunately has consequences in other aspects of my life. It makes me feel that’s its not fair and to envy others around me whose problems I wished I had.
But I can’t remember when I’ve encountered anything that is truly fair. If everything was fair and even what would be the drive and desire to better myself? I’d be living in a world that was boring and predictable. I’d rather live in a world that makes me fight for everything; because when I finally get it, there will be nothing sweeter (well maybe a tractor day where I drive the beast would be).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!