Before the scoreboard controller had the time to put the 1 up on the score for the Giants in the NLDS yesterday I was already bitching.
“Game Over. Fire Dusty. Biggest collapse in National League Divisional Series history.”
I was just a bucket of optimism yesterday. So much so that even the bartender was throwing jabs at me for my lack of confidence and fan-hood (wasn’t even drinking). It was bad; I was being a little bitch (at least I didn’t call myself a little cu…mmm, ok maybe that’s too much).
I was driving around the country yesterday because I also hate grocery shopping for some reason right now and I needed to eat when I started to daydream. I have all the reasons in the world to be in a good mood right now. I mean I’m finishing up my Masters and graduating (not too shabby for a psych ward stay mixed in that time), I’m moving down to the ATL soon and will finally be healthy (or as close to it as possible) for the first time in four years. But yet I bitch.
I couldn’t figure it out why I was being such a moody prick all of sudden in the past couple weeks. I should be excited and looking forward to the coming weeks like tailgating the UGA v. Florida game at “The World’s Largest Cocktail Party” but I just couldn’t. Then for some reason I recalled what a Witt Abnormal Psych student had said to me when I visited her class:
“It seems when you’re in depression in your book. Your sentence structure is simpler; there isn’t the creative description like in the other sections. It just seems that you can sense the depression in your writing at the beginning.”
Prior to hearing this I hadn’t ever really considered that the Big D could affect me so much that it could be seen in my writing. But after the description from the student she was definitely right and I think I’m unfortunately starting into depression again. It was about this time last year that I had troubles and if my BMD isn’t one thing it’s a cyclical punk ass (also it’s kind of a bitch).
I think maybe I got a little too comfortable because things were going so well. I mean I listed all the reasons for being positively optimistic in my life earlier and add on top of that that my book did great in the Abnormal Psych Class at Witt, I’m being reviewed by the NAMI Advocate soon and it should start to feel good to win. But instead I’m consumed by the thoughts of “what if” right now.
What if I can’t find a job? What if I can’t handle the pressures of the job? What if the past four years were what my life will be? What if I end up back on the farm?
I can’t live life like that, hell no one can, let alone someone with a rather severe case of a mood disorder (just not healthy you know). Maybe things were going a little too well for me and I needed to be brought back down to earth. Sometimes I get feeling so good I forget that there’s no cure but it always seems at about this time the Big D is there to remind me. Last year when I was fighting this I would try to divert my attention away from the BS and to focus on the positively optimistic things in my life; like maybe the cowboy boots and skirts tailgating in my near future.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!