A couple years back I was down in The Nasty visiting some friends (and more than likely striking out at the bar) when my buddy and I were talking a little late night chat. It was one of those late night talks where the alcohol isn’t at all involved and you’re 100% level headed. I’m sure at this point in the night we had already talked about politics (thanks again social media for ruining the Presidential race) and religion (I would have a smart-ass comment here but I’m afraid God would smite me for it). Naturally the next uncomfortable topic of conversation for 2 am is crazy shit in life; for instance, let’s say my health.
“So man, tell me the truth. Will you ever be free?”
I responded without any hesitation.
At that point of time I truly believed that I wouldn’t. I mean look at the facts I was dealing with here. First over the past two years I had been in two separate hospitals (or psych wards if you want to be a dick about it) due to my manic episodes. Deuce I had yet to find a doctor, or insurance for that matter, because I’m such a profit risk with my pr-existing condition. Thrice I was having more than a little bit of trouble supporting myself. IV, you know I think you get the point by now.
I really did believe that my BMD would have control over me for the foreseeable future. I felt like despite the fact that I had done it right, I worked hard, bought my time, kept my head down and did the things I needed to I was still in last place. I would see how everyone else was moving on with their lives and I couldn’t understand why I didn’t get even the opportunity to do so. Why I was given BMD that was unfairly and without reason causing havoc on my life?
I guess I was just lucky.
It’s still true today, there are feelings of unfairness and uncertainty in my life but I don’t really think I’m imprisoned by them anymore. Of course it has been a sad long time since I’ve been on a date but I’m going to blame myself for that one (oh and South Solon). I still from time to time want to run off to a tropical climate and disappear from the bullshit in my life but who doesn’t struggle on cold Ohio mornings? The drawn out point that I’m attempting to get to is that as of late I don’t feel really all that enslaved by my BMD. I actually can feel pretty free.
See I’ve been telling this same friend that I was going to do stand-up for the past few years. I have no idea why I want to do it but it seemed like a lot less work than learning a new hobby like Kayaking or Quidditch. I mean I even have a bluegrass song about a vibrator that I’m going to close the act with (it’s pretty damn funny if you don’t mind me saying). I actually spent some time this week working on the other bits (that’s industry talk for jokes; I think) for my act and am definitely going to try an Open Mic night.
I truly believe that in my life before the episode and all that madness I wouldn’t have had the nerve to do something like an Open Mic night. I would have been too preoccupied with more “important” things in life (the quotes mean they really weren’t all that important BTW) to do something I’ve always maybe wanted to try. In a way the BMD has freed me so that I’m willing to go after and do things I never would have before because I figure I have really nothing else to lose. I mean I know what/who I am and I think a lot of other people out there don’t and maybe that frees me and makes me lucky in a way (it would also probably help with the song if I learned to play bluegrass music though; I mean Steve Martin won a Grammy in it so how hard can it be?).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!