A couple
years back I was down in The Nasty visiting some friends (and more than likely striking
out at the bar) when my buddy and I were talking a little late night chat. It
was one of those late night talks where the alcohol isn’t at all involved and
you’re 100% level headed. I’m sure at this point in the night we had already
talked about politics (thanks again social media for ruining the Presidential
race) and religion (I would have a smart-ass comment here but I’m afraid God
would smite me for it). Naturally the next uncomfortable topic of conversation for
2 am is crazy shit in life; for instance, let’s say my health.
“So man,
tell me the truth. Will you ever be free?”
I
responded without any hesitation.
“No.”
At that point
of time I truly believed that I wouldn’t. I mean look at the facts I was
dealing with here. First over the past two years I had been in two separate hospitals
(or psych wards if you want to be a dick about it) due to my manic episodes.
Deuce I had yet to find a doctor, or insurance for that matter, because I’m
such a profit risk with my pr-existing condition. Thrice I was having more than
a little bit of trouble supporting myself. IV, you know I think you get the
point by now.
I really
did believe that my BMD would have control over me for the foreseeable future.
I felt like despite the fact that I had done it right, I worked hard, bought my
time, kept my head down and did the things I needed to I was still in last
place. I would see how everyone else was moving on with their lives and I
couldn’t understand why I didn’t get even the opportunity to do so. Why I was
given BMD that was unfairly and without reason causing havoc on my life?
I guess I
was just lucky.
It’s still
true today, there are feelings of unfairness and uncertainty in my life but I
don’t really think I’m imprisoned by them anymore. Of course it has been a sad
long time since I’ve been on a date but I’m going to blame myself for that one
(oh and South Solon). I still from time to time want to run off to a tropical
climate and disappear from the bullshit in my life but who doesn’t struggle on
cold Ohio mornings? The drawn out point that I’m attempting to get to is that
as of late I don’t feel really all that enslaved by my BMD. I actually can feel
pretty free.
See I’ve
been telling this same friend that I was going to do stand-up for the past few
years. I have no idea why I want to do it but it seemed like a lot less work
than learning a new hobby like Kayaking or Quidditch.
I mean I even have a bluegrass song about a vibrator that I’m going to close
the act with (it’s pretty damn funny if you don’t mind me saying). I actually
spent some time this week working on the other bits (that’s industry talk for
jokes; I think) for my act and am definitely going to try an Open Mic night.
I truly
believe that in my life before the episode and all that madness I wouldn’t have
had the nerve to do something like an Open Mic night. I would have been too
preoccupied with more “important” things in life (the quotes mean they really
weren’t all that important BTW) to do something I’ve always maybe wanted to
try. In a way the BMD has freed me so that I’m willing to go after and do
things I never would have before because I figure I have really nothing else to
lose. I mean I know what/who I am and I think a lot of other people out there
don’t and maybe that frees me and makes me lucky in a way (it would also probably
help with the song if I learned to play bluegrass music though; I mean Steve
Martin won a Grammy in it so how hard can it be?).
Since many of my manic experiences
involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my
enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
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