I took a deep breath and tried to relax but other than being completely uncomfortable in my first STD test (don’t hate because I’m responsible) there was something familiar about my facilitator. To be clear I’m still not sure if he was a facilitator, nurse, doctor, specialist or what because like I said I’ve never had a STD test before this so I was basically learning on the go. At any rate this guy was about to invade my personal space to the utmost extreme and I couldn’t get over the familiarity with the soon to be violator before me.
While this uncomfortable situation I’ve been describing happened years ago when I was in college the face of that man never really left me (it wasn’t haunting me but it wasn’t real nice either). My suspicions were validated the last time Cuzin Art visited Ohio and I picked him up at his parents. While inside I was perusing the pictures because I figure if someone took the time to pick them out, frame them and put them out I can at least look at them. That’s when I saw his face and the whole uncomfortable situation came rushing back to me. I asked Cuzin Art:
“This guy looks familiar, where does he work?”
Cuzin Art replied:
“Oh that’s (Radio Edit) and he used to work at the county health department before he retired.”
To which my only response was:
“I’m pretty sure he’s seen my wiener.”
Without hesitation Cuzin Art answered:
“I’m pretty sure he’s seen a lot of people’s wieners.”
We both laughed and went on with our day leaving the subject at rest. Since I believe our relationship has developed to the point where I can share sensitive subjects like this with you I should also give you full disclosure. The story above was not the only time I had a STD scare (BTW I was clean the first time but that two week waiting period to get the results was miserable) and the second time was much worse; I was in a psych ward for it.
During my second episode I was more than a little convinced that I had started the apocalypse and everyone was going to burn from the sun being too close or something sane sounding like that. Once I was admitted to the ward (Southside!) I started to notice these tiny red like blisters in a very concerning area. Being completely manic I decided to drop trow right in front of my doc and his assistant (who would later be my personal contact in the study I participated in for ten straight weeks; that was a little weird) and ask what was going on down there. I was convinced it was a direct result of me ending mankind or my punishment for what I had done. Nope, he said I had lice.
Now for the next few days I was in the ward I didn’t really know what he meant by lice so I had to wait till I was released to look it up. Crabs; he thought I had crabs. I was like are you kidding me? Not only did I just have my second manic episode and spent a week in the psych ward I have crabs now? What the fuck?
I ended up heading to a public dermatologist at the hospital that was referred to me because my life is somehow less important than someone else who doesn’t have a pre-existing condition. While there I explained to the fresh out of medical school doctor that I was diagnosed with crabs but I’m not sure how considering my month had been filled with psychosis and my sexual activity was less than non-existent. She decided to take a look so I drop trow once again and after a long enough examination to cause me some extreme concern; my day got worse. The doc leaves to get another opinion (I’m thinking that can’t be good; and I was right). Instead two more women returned with my doc and after a lengthy examination and discussion I wasn’t diagnosed with Lice (or crabs if you want to be a dick about it) and instead needed some medicine to clear up the issue.
It was more than a relief because if I would have gotten my first STD from the psych ward without having sex I’m pretty sure it would have crushed my self confidence at that point. Instead now I just have to explain the red blemishes aren’t lice (or crabs if you want to be a dick about it) if I ever drop trow again in front of an unsuspecting doc. But after getting through this winter and now into spring without any manic episodes; hopefully I’ll never have to again.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!