I never wanted this BMD to define me, to dictate what moves I may take in life, or to change me. I think for that reason I refused to read or research anything about BMD the first eight months or so after episode uno and my official bipolar disorder type I diagnosis. I suppose at the time I figured if I didn’t know anything about BMD and its effects on its sufferers then I couldn’t change and therefore BMD wouldn’t be able to dictate my life or define me (a feeble attempt to try and stop the inevitable I suppose).
Two years ago this upcoming week I started writing this blog as a form of a therapeutic release, a way to tell my family and friends what was really going on in this crazy head of mine at times, and maybe as a way to share the craziness in my life for the world to hopefully enjoy. Over the past two years I’ve seen not only myself but my blog change because of this BMD but it’s for the better I believe and I came to this conclusion with the following statistical support (don’t act like you’re not impressed).
2% of the U.S. population is bipolar
70% of that 2% is depressed
.6% of the rest of us are manic
50% of .6% has psychosis in their mania
50% of .3% has chronic manic episode issues
.15% chance I’d have this form of BMD I have (well add in the fact that I also have zero family history of bipolar disorder and that number probably shrinks even more, but I had little luck trying to find that obscure bipolar stat on the World Wide Web)
After I initially tracked down (yea obviously by the impressive stats above I actually read and research about BMD now) and put together these statistics the feeling I had was a little bit different as well as a little tough to accurately describe. Let me try to compare it to something. Ok, like let’s say I’m driving down the road in my Jeep (Jeep wave) on a sunny clear summer day when suddenly a lightning bolt strikes 50 feet in front of me with no visible signs of clouds anywhere around. The only thing going through my mind at that point (as well as with the statistics) was:
“What the fuck is going on?”
I mean how in the hell does this BMD not totally effect me? I feel as though everything in this world is always changing. This of course would undoubtedly include me and to think that I have this BMD and believe I could stop this change is absolutely crazy (pun intended). I have difficulty looking at the numbers above and believing that they mean nothing and that I should continue on my life and not try to change. I’m better than that now, and that’s exactly how I know BMD has changed me because I now no longer run from it but rather embrace it and look to it to define me.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!