My Easter basket was always a little out of the ordinary (although I’m not sure what an ordinary Easter basket is, nonetheless). I love stale peeps so I’d open the package and wait a couple days to eat them, I still do this. I really never liked chocolate bunnies but would crush some white chocolate ones. Finally I’ve never really been a fan of Cadbury Eggs. While these quirks of mine may be a little out of the ordinary I always looked forward to them. When I moved away from home it was always the out of the ordinary things that I missed the most.
This past Easter I stopped by my brother’s place before heading over to see the family as usual. After several attempts to make it in the door due to the relentless jumping of Max (he’s a puppy that’s like 3 years old, do the math) I made it inside. Monkey asked me something that I hadn’t really thought about until that point.
“Are you going to be able to do this? Ya know Chicago and all with being crazy.”
Although his approach to the subject might need some work (I’d have it no other way though) he did bring up a valid point. I really hadn’t thought about moving in this capacity up to this point. I was merely excited to start a new chapter in my life and ready to put the past behind me. I looked at this as an opportunity to start a new life and never thought of the consequences if I go manic. I only had one response to him.
“I don’t know. But we’re about to find out.”
I really have no idea what is going to happen in the next 4 days let alone in the next 4 months (other than I know I’ll make a fool out of myself at some point(s)). I have been having some rough times the past couple of months for reasons that are out of my comprehension. I’ve never been known as a pessimist or ever really down for any reason. I’ve tried to attack each day with positive outlooks and a sense of happiness. That no matter what happens I won’t let my mood be affected by irrelevant circumstances that surround me. But BMD has started to change me a little and I don’t like it.
There comes times in any person's life when the unknown and uncertainty seems to become the inevitable. I am more than a little scared that my move and attempt at a new life will fail. That I’ll go manic again or that my company will find out about my diagnosis and either terminate me or refuse to offer me a position. I’m uneasy about waking up one day and being completely lost once again with nowhere to go but to crawl back home. I feel like everyone has points in their life that similar questions (albeit probably not psychosis questions) play out and a decision has to be made. What are you going to do?
Personally I’m going to jump, and see what happens.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!