The cool crisp morning chilled air brushes up against my face and tickles my toes through my flip flops. I take a deep breath and my eyes open to focus purely on the northern horizon. The sun creeps over the rooftops to my right as the eastern skies open up to a new morning in the mountains. I am at peace for a moment as the world seems to stand still awaiting my next move, thought, and revelation. The few birds whom have toughed out the winter begin to chirp as the new day approaches. It’s late February of a leap year and aside from that I have no need or want to know what actual time, day, or year it is. I have been chosen, just as so many others, to complete a mission of utter importance for the good of all mankind, and I will not fail. The shadows from the house rooftop from which I sit blankets the light snow dust that has accumulated on the southern side behind me. I look out over paradise and upon an urban kingdom that rests at the feet of the giant mountains to my left, carving a crown in the western skyline. It has become ever so clear to me that my destiny lies within the streets of the city before me just as it had been with the rural dirt roads of those prior to me. The city comes alive in front of my eyes but I hear no sounds and only feel pure ecstasy from my revelation. My heart begins to race and my mind fills with thoughts and ideas deriving from a place I cannot even try to imagine. The time is now, the time is ours and we must empower others towards the greater good. I look about the rooftops surrounding me expecting to see the others sitting atop the apexes together, but I am alone. I slide down the southern most snow covered roof and thrust my arm out, swing through the gap between the chimney, roof, and support beam and I snap back…
“How did I get on top of this roof and how am I not laying on the ground 40 feet below right now?”
15-20% of BMD individuals commit suicide each year, that is equivalent to 1 in 5 or roughly 600,000 Americans a year (these statistics are estimates but I think they make my point, trust me I’ll get to it). To say I didn’t battle the demons inside me with suicidal thoughts and nearly actions would be a lie (plus I pride my self on honesty). But for some reason I am still here today when many others that share my diagnosis are not, and I from time to time ask myself why I was spared and they were not. It takes every bit of strength in me to not react hastily and aggressively to anyone I encounter that calls suicide selfish. Until you yourself have walked down the seamlessness dark abyss inside your own mind that accompanies suicidal thoughts then how can you come to pass judgment on anyone who has (but I’m not going stand on my soapbox and preach to you about this I’ve got a brighter side to convey and I was just hoping to broaden someone’s horizons or something smart sounding like that)?
I survived my dance with suicide as well as my attempts to mess with fate from the above passage during my episode in Denver. I can recall a few instances during my episode where death seemed imminent for me whether it would have been by car crash or falling to my demise from a rooftop. However I am still here and for awhile I couldn’t understand why I was. I struggled with understanding why someone or something or whatever you want to call it decided I deserved to live, because I know I was not in control of that (I really haven’t had the desire to speed 100 mph down Broad Street in Denver at noon since my episode or for that fact have an urge to climb an unknown snow covered house rooftop in my flip flops and slide back down since then either). Although I do have the feeling that I now have a second chance at life and I want to make the most of it. I want nothing more than to enjoy everyday and make the most of it by making it amazing. I know I know what many of you are thinking that everyday can’t be amazing but I disagree. I think before my episode I put amazing up on a pedestal and thought it could only be accomplished by meeting unbelievably impossible standards. I assumed that amazing was reserved for the rarest of times during only the nearly unthinkable situations. But I was wrong; an amazing day is one of the simplest and easiest of things to accomplish. I think it can be achieved by simply saying hello and smiling to a neighbor or opening the door for a stranger. It’s amazing how you can make someone else’s day by doing almost nothing at all.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!