I never thought these words would come out of my mouth but I’m actually excited for school (don’t get me wrong, I used to get pumped to go to the View and check out who was in my class from the posted class assignments on the front doors but that’s a bit different). I’ve recently started classes here in the Nasty for my graduate degree and for the first time in awhile I’m happy. Stubby and I headed out to lunch yesterday and we were talking about how as long as you are doing something you enjoy or love that it doesn’t seem like work. I’ve talked about how bizarrely unpredictable this world is and to say I would have ever thought growing up in South Chuck that I’d of been able to live around the world and across the US I would have never believed it. Sure this BMD has totally changed my life (some for the bad but the most for the good) and I’ve essentially started completely over from scratch but I’ve learned some valuable lessons and a lot about myself along the way. Today I feel more like myself than I have in a long time and there’s nothing fun about totally losing who you are (there’s not a lost and found for that one, just imagine how much that thing would be raided).
Since my episode I’ve looked at my journey back to finding myself as having some bumps in the road and then at times being smoother than a criminal (my favorite MJ song, still a fan despite his legality issues, I think). There are too many things that I know I enjoy or like to list but I can tell you of three that I absolutely without a shadow of a doubt do not like or have a desire to try; motorcycles (I’m a wuss I guess), shooting something dead (double wuss), and going through depression again (just the word depression sounds awful).
Now for the motorcycle and shooting something dead activities I’ll go ahead and group them together under W for wuss and therefore it allows me to write about them at the same time. My brother, Step-Dad, Mom, as well as Aunts are big motorcycle enthusiasts so it should run in my blood, but it doesn’t. I have never been on a motorcycle and despite the attempts of the fam to have me take a ride on one (something weird about two guys on a bike that doesn’t sit right with me, I’m not sure of the proper hand placement in this situation and not too thrilled to try and find out) I never will, I know that I have zero, nil, nix, nada, naught need to be on a bike (I bet you liked that alliteration). Poncho would be the killing things enthusiast in the family (or hunter if you want to be a dick about it). Don’t get me wrong I have no problems with hunters (other than hunting was an excused absence from school growing up, what a country!) but it’s another one of those experiences I could do without and feel I lived a pretty full life (you have to get up early, it’s cold, wet, dark and I don’t want to do it). Despite my obvious disdain for these recreational activities I do understand the appeal of others to partake in them, this next one I don’t know anyone who likes.
For the longest time I looked at depression as just someone being down on their luck and maybe need to just look on the brighter side of life. I couldn’t have been more off on that assumption. Since I can remember I’ve always been a pretty light hearted fellow that really never got down or felt anything but happy, even in tough times I’d try to look for the positive in it (TPO; Team Positively Optimistic member here; that was actually the name I gave to my team at the Tizzle when I mentored apprentices, they loved it or at least acted like it at the time). I don’t know if it was my mind/body trying to put itself back into balance after my episode or what but I went through depression and it was the worst time of my life. The feelings of worthlessness, of being pathetic, of hopelessness, and just pure disgust in myself was almost more than I could handle. I may get a little annoyed with my mania from time to time but I would take it over depression ten fold, I know I couldn’t live with it (and unfortunately almost didn’t). I’ve read that with BMD cases a majority of females are on the depressed end of the spectrum opposite of me and my heart goes out to them, they are stronger than I could ever be. I’ve learned from all of this that judgment (while it may be an implicit function of being human) is something I work on overcoming everyday, it’s beyond unfair to cast opinions about someone or something that I cannot, and more than likely am fortunate enough, not to have to experience (whether that be a single occurrence or a regularity in daily life). I would ride a motorcycle with three men at the same time while picking off squirrels with a 22 before I’d make the choice to go through depression again.
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!