Yeah, uhhhh, so, about Tuesday, my bad. Why does it feel like I need to be apologizing for being a complete spaz or something for my behavior on my last entry? For some reason last night when I was thinking about what I wanted to write about and going through my notes (yeah I’m that guy) I felt like I needed to apologize for my behavior on Tuesday. The weird thing (aside from the fact that I take notes now, but of course that’s better than the voice recorder I was keeping during my episode) is that I know I shouldn’t be apologizing for something that’s out of my control. The docs all told me that there are going to be good and bad days with this BMD and that’s just part of it.
As I’ve mentioned before I have decided to try and handle/deal/cope/live with BMD without any prescriptions or meds. The reasoning I used to stop taking my meds was that I wasn’t myself on them and they made me feel worse than I thought was humanly possible. It’s kind of humorous (well probably not to most but at least to me) on how the docs tried to treat and rationalize the reasoning they were pumping me full of meds to “bring me down”. My all-time favorite right now is when they would say something like “Well, if you had diabetes would you not take insulin?” and my rebuttal (now, I’m not man enough to say it to their face, or I really wasn’t sure where I was at when they told me this) is that sure I would, but that’s because you know what my body needs. When it comes to medicating BMD it felt like they were throwing darts in the dark after playing dizzy bat (hit or miss if you’re not picking up what I’m putting down). Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure they hit the bullseye at times and really help people but I’m not the kind to wait around and play a human dart board (trust me it’s not as fun as it sounds).
Don’t misunderstand me here, while I was on my pills I wouldn’t have mania experiences as often (really not at all now that I think about it) but that’s because my mind felt like it was shut down. The closest comparison I can think of is let’s say you severely twist an ankle and go to the doc and tell them “I’m not sure what happened, I was walking down the street like I do everyday and my lower leg started to hurt.” They would more than likely run some test, take an X-Ray and what not but would find no break, fracture, or complications other than you saying it hurts. The doc would explain it to you like this “We don’t see anything wrong with you but we know it’s not right so we’re going to put a knee-brace on you and come back in a few days and check on it.” Of course the ankle isn’t healed when you return and the doc goes “We obviously know something’s wrong so let’s also treat your back at the same time, wear this back brace it should help.” Once again you leave and come back a couple days later but the ankle is still not right so the doc tries a few other treatments but nothing seems to work. You then wake up after surgery and the doc comes in and says “We think we found the solution, let us know if you have any pain any more.” Of course you don’t have pain because they cut off your ankle. Sure the “problem” is fixed but they just totally eliminated the area of your body with the issues.
For me that’s how it felt on meds, sure my “problem” was taken care of because they took my mind away. The craziest part (pun intended) about this whole thing is that even when I was on pills it was explained to me that they are precautionary not preventive. So basically they were telling me I get to feel like poo on these pills a majority of the time just in case I have a day like Tuesday when it would be bad but not as bad if I wasn’t on pills (thanks, I’ll pass). I guess I’ve come to the realization that I’m going to have bad days when things are rough and at times I question my decision to stay off the meds. But those days are few and far between and the days filling the time between them are much better clean than on meds (walking around with no foot is one thing, with no mind is a totally different story, hailing a cab is nearly impossible without a head). So while I felt like I needed to apologize for what happened I’m glad it did, it reminds me I’m me and still alive (the alternative is much worse).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!