WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
I am going to use this post to discuss religion and spirituality so if you are easily offended by such conversation please stop reading now.
It has been nearly a month since my last episode and the only physical aftermath left (aside from the scar from the cigarette burn on my palm, I should get a palm reading and see what they say about that) is the cracked dry skin between my fingers on both hands. This was caused by my obsessive need to pray during my episode (I’d say I recited the Lord’s Prayer only about a few hundred times, purely a guesstimate). There are a few underlying themes that come to light during my episodes and the dominant one (well co-dominant but I’m not ready to share the other quite yet) is religion/spirituality.
I (like 50% of all BMD manics; and yes I asked the doc yesterday for that stat) have been blessed with psychosis during my episodes. This simply means I hallucinate, am delusional, and have intense feelings of grandiosity (so basically for me it’s like going to bed and then waking up feeling like I’m on psychedelic drugs, yeah it can get a little weird). In any manner it fascinates me that these symptoms are so common among BMD manics that no matter where in the world one may be the symptoms are strongly similar. I’ve gone over this in my head countless times in the past two years trying to find some sort of answer or clue (the same can be said for countless research studies around the globe, of which I’m rockin’ one with UC right meow) and for me I believe it’s boiled down to one simple phrase; my God has a hell of a sense of humor (right here is where the people who didn’t take my warning serious are more than likely seriously pissed).
I have to laugh at my situation because it can be just so ridiculous at times. My mania feels like a game inside my head where all the rules of the natural world are thrown out the window and it feels like my life (and the lives of all of humanity, apocalyptic feelings aren’t real fun) is at stake. I have to laugh at it in hindsight due to just how redunkulous it is. I heart using analogies/metaphors (I always use them interchangeably and incorrectly so I figured I’d just drop them both in there) so it can feel like I’m sitting down to play a single hand of poker with the Devil and my soul is at stake. The dealer deals out the cards and somehow I’m playing with UNO cards and the re-deal rule doesn’t exist (lucky for me I got a couple Wild Draw Four Cards and a Skip Card).
One of my questions during my research interviews at UC (Ooooooohhhh, Ooooooohhhh, Ooooooohhhh, clap, clap, clap, U-C) centers around if I believe I have a special relationship with God that others cannot have. The first few times I heard this question I responded by saying no, I didn’t want to think that I somehow was better than anyone else and thus implying that my relationship with God was something no one else could have. But after thinking about it the past couple of weeks I do think I have a special relationship with God that no one else can have, and everyone else should think that way as well. I can’t begin to try and imagine what the other billions of people in the world are going through (I mean the entire country of Haiti right now is suffering beyond belief) so I believe that God works with them in a way that they need and only they can understand individually. If all our relationships weren’t special and one of a kind then we all would lose.
I can’t stop smiling and laughing at some of the things I’ve experienced in my life that at first glance seem absolutely absurd (for instance my belief I put the phone company on hold, was playing a global game of hide and seek, all the while at the same time Stubby and I were pulling the best practical joke known to mankind on the world to make it laugh during episode deuce) but in the end I’m getting the last laugh, because it turns out that my hand of UNO cards ended up dominating that poker game (even if I did cheat and got a lot of help from the Big Man Upstairs).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!