New Years has never been one of my favorite holidays (I always fancied, yeah I said fancied big whoop, St. Patty's Day) but this past year it will be one that I will soon not forget. As I've mentioned before I've prided myself on "fighting" this BMD with no help from meds. For reasons that are out of my comprehension (ok that's BS, you called me on it), rather reasons that I was afraid to admit I refused help.
Call it my manly instinct (a.k.a. how to pick-up chicks instinct) that I was under the belief that i could conquer BMD all by myself. I was convinced that if I could live my life without meds I was making some statement on just how manly I was (this of course is easily refuted by a quick examination of my immense fear of pricks; needles that is). I was under the assumption that I was somehow stronger than I really was. The past few days have opened my eyes; once again.
I am writing this post from the hospital, for once again my mania has gotten the best of me. The past few days I have experienced things that simple words can not adequately describe. I had another episode and am fighting to understand.
Since episode uno I have tried to work and beat this BMD by handling it with my writing, working out (the scenery isn't bad at the gym either) and trying to be happy but that just isn't enough. I've read blogs of others stating how they've overcome BMD med free and I envied and imitated them (even posted a video on support of this, don't taze me bro). However I am only human (I think...) and can admit when I was wrong and ask for help. I need all the help I can get.
They say New Years is a time of new beginnings, a time of resolutions, a time of change. Maybe that's why I disliked New Years so much, I didn't want to admit I was weak and needed change (funny how my mind can play tricks on me, if I had to guess I'd bet my conscious loves Halloweeen). I have said some things and acted in ways lately that I never thought were in me. Am I proud of these things? To a degree I am which leads to even more quesions, but it makes me smile because I would hate to get to that point when I no longer need answerrs.
There is a single question on my mind right meow though and one that I hope the answer comes soon. Will my new medicine help me? Deep down I hope and believe it will but only time will tell and I am grateful that I still have the time to wait and see. Happy New Year (this holiday is slowly climbing up my chart btw).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!