.e4: Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 1 Issue 31

Phone…Check

Wallet…Check

Keys…Check

Toothbrush…Cheque

iPod…Check

Shoes…Chequear

Belt…Check

Shame…Check (don’t remember bringing that one with me)

I’ve debated with myself (and yes sometimes aloud to spook my neighbors) on whether or not I should write about my latest mania experience or not. It doesn’t have the thrill of my past experiences and is actually a little boring. Ok, ok, if you want me to be completely honest I wasn’t the proudest of it and wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it (then I recalled I repeated Kindergarten for my inability to share so I reconsidered). So in honor of the once cardboard Stop sign hanging from my Kindergarten bathroom door, let’s flip this thing over and go.

As part of my hobbies I list whenever I am asked to fill out a survey I write making lists. The reason I enjoy making lists so much is that it is almost impossible to screw up, I mean it’s your list. There’s not a rule book or right or wrong way to make a list, try it right now and list your Top 3 favorite Holiday candies (mine are 1.) Stale Peeps 2.) White Chocolate Easter Bunny 3.) Multi-color Candy Canes). See my point, it’s almost impossible to mess this up. However from the evidence provided in exhibit A (the top list your Honor) I did manage to achieve the impossible.

This past weekend I departed from the Nasty to make my way to Cbus for a celebration of all celebrations (or a wedding). As before any trip I made a list and packed my things for the haul up north. I brought everything I needed and completed my list without any hang-ups or mistakes. However on my departure list things got a little dicey. I ended up bringing back with me some shame that I know I didn’t come up with, but I did figure out where it came from.

This BMD will throw me a curveball every once in awhile just to make sure I’m still on my toes. As much as I enjoy the random emotional twists I get to graciously encounter they can be a bit annoying. I’ve struggled with a range of emotions learning to handle BMD that have had me in denial, confusion, acceptance, and hatred with everything else in between, so I thought I had seen them all (“not so fast my friend”, Corso, College Gameday 2009).

For reasons that I was embarrassed about I became very shameful of myself over this past weekend. I was seeing friends and seeing how they were taking the next step in their lives.These included getting married, buying a house, moving to a new city, starting a family, and having their careers take off. All of these things I began to envy. I stepped back and looked at where I was at. A 28 year old single guy starting over from scratch because I failed and I felt ashamed of myself.

Not once prior to this had I ever felt like a failure, not when I was admitted, not when I called Porter Hospital home for a week, not when I had to move home, not when I had to resign from my job, not ever until then. It was a lot to take at first and I struggled with it but a crazy thing happened, (pun intended) I began to understand it. I don’t think I would like being the person who didn’t self criticize themselves and didn’t feel the consequences of failure. While I know what happened was not my fault doesn’t mean I should write it off and not learn from it. Maybe I ignored the shameful feelings for awhile because I wasn’t strong enough at the time to handle them. But now I know what they are and where they come from and it motivates me to not go back. So while maybe my list wasn’t the same as it was when I left the Nasty, it’s more complete now.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!