As some of you keen observers may have noticed from last week I’m not really feeling that great. At first I thought it was due to the fact that I lack anything that resembles patience and this was leading me to my irritability and crappy moods. I’ve been feeling some anxiety as I’m anxious to move onto the next step in my life (three years in recovery is starting to test me, I’d like to be able to support myself again at some point of my life).
In order to try and counter this Big D offensive (yea I watched a “Modern Marvels” over the VC tunnels in Vietnam, those tunnel rats had some balls let me tell you) I decided earlier this week to take a hike (without the deer antler helmet, still trying to figure out whoever sent that). I hadn’t been to the Clifton Gorge since I was a kid so it sounded like a plan. I figured I’d take a couple hours and try to find the patience I’ve been lacking.
When we were kids Stubby would take us to the Gorge every so often and it was always a good time. Although I will admit as a kid we went during the spring when it’s wet and there are waterfalls everywhere and the water is running a ton faster (luscious vegetation is what I’m hinting at). This also meant at least one of us boys would bust our ass on the trail but it was totally worth it for the rock climbers and “three hot tubs” rapids. This fall everything was a lot drier but it still didn’t prevent me from turning my ankle around three times (increasingly embarrassing considering there were runners busting ass through the trails that I could barely walk).
The hike was great (we’ll call it 9 rock skips so that’s a new record Cuzin Art, deal with it) and afterwards I did feel better and was able to calm myself some. This was unfortunately short lived as the weather changed the following day and then a couple days ago I had the worse day I’ve had in awhile. I suck during the winter (2 hospital stays and depression pretty rampant) and it doesn’t help being in Ohio either. I mean the sun disappears for like three months during the winter here. It’s cold, dreary, gloomy, and dark where normal people get a little down and depressed, imagine trying to deal with all of this while also having BMD (it’s not real fun).
Which means I’m pretty sure my depression is starting to creep it’s punk-ass face out from hiding because during the middle of the week I was awoke around 4 in the morning feeling like the biggest piece of shit this side of the Mississippi (and probably the other side as well). I forgot just how terrible it can make me feel, it’s not even for the birds it’s that bad. I think I got a little spoiled on how good I was feeling over the past few months and that really pissed off the evil inside me (sore loser).
That evil is just as much part of the game I’m in as my mania and my depression. It wants to use my Big D to drive me down, hold me down, and force me to live a life that seems unfair to me. This evil is in the game to win it and while a nature hike may help out it’s far from the answer. My depression feels like it’s out to do one thing alone, and that’s force me to live my life in the corner (or the bathroom). It wants me to fear life and be forced to living one full of compromises. I’ve been through this before and it’s made me want to move from the harsh winters of the Midwest but I’m still here and I need to start fighting.
To fight back I like to think this evil I once believed had been given to me actually picked me. That it goes after the strongest of us knowing that if it can break them the rest will follow. I take pride in thinking that the BMD, Big D or evil feels threatened by me and wants to break me down. Knowing that every time I get back up, each tearful day I make it through, and every last battle I can fight through just makes me stronger, exactly the opposite of what my evil Big D wants (and I’m pretty sure I know who sent me the deer antler helmet now and told me to take a hike; game on).
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!