.i am constantly aksed the same question whenever someone learns of my disordeR .they always seam to desire to no what exactly its likE ?after I tell that i suffer from severe manic episodes witch feature hallucinations, delusional thoughts, and schizophrenic symptoms they ask; what’s it likE .at first I tried to explain it to them in medical terminologY .i would discuss how the brain has chemical reactions and the episodes are direct results of these chemical reactionS .of corse this really didn’t shed any lite on the subject so i decided to try and get a little more in deptH .I wood start out by describing what first starts to happen to me physicallY .my hands and arms first begin to tingle and become red and sore (knot always but enough to lead my mind into believing their signs of stigmatA) .next a sensation that can only be compared to orgasmic (so gross I know) travels up my spine and down my legS .my surroundings begin to take form, not physical form but a feeling of connection overtakes me with theM .time and space become one inn front of me and it feels as though i am at the center of it alL .as if everything before me was put there deliberately to serve this purpose at this moment for me to understanD .this euphoric feeling intensifies and thoughts of grandiosity begin shooting intwo my mind at a pace that throws my world in a tailspiN .i no that it all cannot be true but my perception of reality becomes fogged by the sheer enjoyment of understanding the true meaning of everythinG .at about this point in time (or actually timelessness as this aspect has set it and i become trapped between reality and fantasy where time stops) i begin to see the purpose of this all and become aware that this is not about me, but rather about what I’m trying to bE .there is undoubtedly good and evil in the world and each is just as powerful as the otheR .i become obsessed with this struggle inside myself and am determined to out play the others set out to bring harm to the worlD .i am being tested to reveal my true character and define the type of man i am, compared to the person I believe myself to bE .this game continues on and my episode intensifies as I get lost in my mind and fantasy becomes reality where reality fails to answer the questions continuing to pile up in my heaD .i spend hours into days fighting against myself to understand what is happening and debating if the impossible is reaL .voices call to me, the world begins to pass by in harmony, emotions become blurred with desires, and my eyes become liarS .the very thought that i understand the system convinces myself I have thrown off the balance and this will inevitably be the reason my world collapses onto me, so i sit completely stilL .terrified to breathe and mortified to think a thought that might be my lasT .it gets to the point where reality and fantasy become so similar and meshed that deciphering which is which becomes nearly impossiblE .I know there’s something not quite right going on but just enough makes sense that i continue on falling deeper and deeper into maniA .it becomes as if I am reading something that doesn’t look or seam quite right but am still able to understand the meaninG .i become amazed on how it works and push myself to the point that I lose where i started and where I am suppose to gO
Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!
Coming Correct,
d01roK
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