Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 49

So last night I was hanging out with Dave Chappelle’s neighbor (name-dropperville, population me) and we started to get into my BMD. I’ve noticed that my friends are becoming more and more comfortable in talking to me about my mania and what have you. I think it’s really cool because I think it not only helps them understand BMD a little better but it’s good medicine for me (I admit it, I like talking about myself). So Dave’s neighbor and I got into how the mania affects me and I describe it like this:

“It’s like I go to bed fine and the next morning I wake up and it feels like I’m rolling my balls off on ecstasy, tripping my face off on acid, all while at the same time my mind races like I’ve done enough cocaine to physically and mentally impair a donkey. Yeah things can get interesting.”

One of the first things Dave’s neighbor said to me was he thought bipolar was when I’d go from happy to angry like a mood swing. I literally laughed out loud when he said this (and then kind of felt like a dick about laughing). The main reason I find this humorous is because I wished my BMD would simply take me from happy to angry, that all this could simply be described as a “mood swing”. Life would be a hell of a lot simpler that way.

When I was recovering from episode uno back in late 2008 I would spend countless nights searching for answers. At this point I had spent the previous 8 months in a drug induced zombie state of depression and was now looking for help. I would sit up at night surf the world wide web searching for some sort of reassurance that I wasn’t alone, that someone out there understood what I was going through. What I had experienced during my manic episode was far from a “mood swing” but yet that’s the only thing I read about when others described BMD.

I get it too. I understand that the symptoms of my mania do resemble “mood swings”. I know that the chemicals in the brain (like serotonin and dopamine) that affect moods and even swings in those moods are also the same chemicals that directly affect my BMD peeps. I even saw a special on the Science channel (nerd alert, nerd alert) that described how the areas of the brain that are active during my manic episodes directly correlate to mood and the like. So I more than get why the comparisons are made between mood swings and BMD, but it doesn’t mean I agree with it.

During the nights of searching online it almost at times would have a negative effect on me. Instead of finding the comfort of knowing I wasn’t alone in my madness I actually began to feel more isolated. See what I went through was far from a mood swing, everyone has mood swings (my ex seemed to have them more than others) but I was psychotic not angry. I just think we can do better than the description “mood swings” for BMD because it’s really not accurate (at least for me).

Look a kite is pretty cool and those Chinese really got one right on this one (not so much so with Communism though). They use aeronautical engineering to create lift under the kite so that it can fly. Hell they’ve even figured it out so much that you can navigate these wings in flight and have them dance in the air. It’s pretty cool how the same principles used with a kite match out with modern day flight, those physics haven’t changed. But to me it’s similar to comparing my BMD to mood swings; just because a kite can fly doesn’t mean I call it a jet.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!



Coming Correct,
d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 48

Did you know that in 2010 Adam Sandler made something ridiculous like twenty-something million on movies? Yeah I have no idea how that works either when his two “blockbuster” hits were “Grown Ups” and “Jack and Jill” (I know, I didn’t see them either). Seeing how you can find such easy success in the movie industry these days I’ve decided to switch my writing focus and try my hands at a screenplay (seems easier than trying to get this book going).

I have yet to come up with a title yet but my idea is a comedy set in Jerusalem roughly around Passover in the time of JC in which I’m on my first pilgrimage to the Temple Mount as a faithful man of Judaism. I’m thinking of starting the film (yeah it’s a film, not a movie) out with something like this:

Scene 1: Dekel (main) and his best friend Jehiel are exiting the pool of Siloam in preparation for their first visit to the Temple Mount.

Jehiel: “Is it cold out or something?”

Dekel: “Haha, real funny Jehiel, you know I just got out of that cold pool. Besides look at what you’re working with over there, it looks like your old man busted his circumcision cherry on you. How does everything still even work down there?”

. . .

Dekel: “I’m sorry Jehiel, it doesn’t look totally awful. I’m just on edge because I’ve heard of rumors that the “son of God” has been seen performing miracles around and the high priest is pissed. I swear if I rode that damn donkey for a week and that mediocre handyman screws this up for me. It’s bad enough I’m not even allowed in the Temple itself, everyone forgot to mention that key fact as they persuaded me for this pilgrimage.”

Jehiel: “I don’t think he’s supposed to be a good carpenter, seeing how he’s the “King of the Jews”.

Dekel: “King of the Jews?!?!?” Listen my great, great, great, great ancestors didn’t walk their happy asses out of Egypt, away from the Pharoh’s control, then roam the god forsaken dessert for a couple thousand years for us to be led by someone who can supposedly raise the dead but can’t balance my kitchen shelves. Which brings me to my next point, if he’s performing all these miracles why doesn’t he just walk around just healing people instead of--”

Passing Man: “There’s trouble in the city! Someone is causing trouble near the Temple! The Roman soldiers are heading that way!!”

Dekel: “Damn it, I knew it!”

I’m not really writing this screenplay but I felt it was a pretty solid intro into what I have been thinking about lately; that’s religion. I met with Dr. A (yeah I wish I was doing that for patient-doctor confidentiality but it’s actually because I can’t spell his last name) earlier this week and we somehow got on the subject of how prevalent religious/spirituality themes are in manic episodes. There’s also other recurring themes in people with BMD manic episodes but they don’t particularly affect me (still not sure if not having an unbelievable sex drive like others is good or bad) but the religious and spirituality one definitely hits close to home.

Now because of this I decided to look up online some other’s experiences with religion during their episodes. It was pretty fascinating to see how many people shared very similar manic episode experiences of religion and spirituality, even to the point that most change their belief system because of it. However there was of course one “doctor” who attributed everyone’s experiences to symptoms of their mania and a direct result of not understanding their illness (on a personal note I believe this doctor lives a cold and empty life, or at least I hope).

Not only did this stellar professional of mental healthcare have no business in this chat forum (as he doesn’t experience religious themes in his mania as the title of the group said) he was wrong (well maybe a little right). Sure I attribute the experiences of spirituality and religion we manics have to our mania and bipolar disorder but to me that doesn’t really explain where they came from. I think the most important part of these experiences is what they do to us afterwards. The religious/spiritual experiences I’ve had in my mania and others have written about are powerful and life altering, and I think sometimes the docs are more than a little jealous of that (I mean we’re supposed to be sick right?).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 47

The silent monks of the Carthusian Monastery would like to wish you a Happy Birthday this year.

(Opens card to find complete blankness)

After seeing this on paper I’m convinced that this birthday card is a ton funnier in person. Oh well, I suppose each family has their own traditions for birthdays. With Stubby everyone gets to celebrate their “birthday month” which means each and every argument is settled with the simple phrase:

“Yeah but it’s my birthday month.”

End of argument. Another tradition is to try and find the most ridiculous and/or most funny card you can find and this one above was mine. You know it’s more of a thinking piece than most other b-day cards and everyone at the bar last night had to take a few extra seconds to get it (I guess alcohol does affect the brain) but it was a success. I also got a few laughs for my gift for Stubby. Seeing how he’s now engaged he has obligations to wine and dine his fiancé so I felt like his evening dress attire was lacking in one department; stump wear.

It’s a little known fact but in most “jacket required” restaurants also usually have a dress code for the stump wear as well and Stubby's Hanes white footie just won’t cut it (that’s probably not true). To make sure Stubby doesn’t have any embarrassing experiences in one of these restaurants similar to the one Rick Vaughn had in “Major League” I decided to purchase some black footies for his birthday. They even had the gold toe line to help him line up the fitting before his steak dinner (I did feel uncomfortable in the Kids department shopping for these, quite uncomfortable for some unknown reason…OK I was actually in the Lingerie department at this point).

In the end it was all worth it though because dammit I thought it was funny. Hopefully that’s a sign for me that this funk I’ve been in is starting to let up a little more. As I’ve mentioned I by no means thought that this winter was going to be easy on me for a number of reasons. The first is I always have trouble in the winters, plus if you’ve been through an Ohio winter you know how much it can suck and be depressing, now add BMD to that. Secondly I’m on my two year cycle/pattern of mania. And lastly I’m finally on some meds that are helping, but I had a feeling my mania wouldn’t like that so much and take it out on me (I was more than right).

The toughest part so far was I really wasn’t expecting this all to kick in until around January or February as that’s when I usually have trouble. But my BMD is an overachiever this year and decided to show up in October (yeah it’s a dick like that). One of my “tells” on this is I always lose my sense of humor and rarely laugh. Last night at Stubby’s birthday I was finding more humor in my life which means hopefully this funk is releasing its hold on me some more. Which is awesome because I think laughter is good medicine, no matter what you’re fighting.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 46

I’m not going to lie, there were more than a few benefits from being the “beer man’s” step-son while growing up (I basically felt famous in Browntown because of him, which says a lot about its drinking habits). I of course liked to abuse my power because it usually made me laugh. One of these occurrences used to happen quite often in college and that was when a party was trying to tap a keg.

I always enjoyed heading to a party where people would be crowding around the untapped keg in anticipation of the awesomeness about to be bestowed upon them (they were also more than likely chanting: “Chips, chips, chips, chips, chips!”) as the host struggled with the taps. Ah, the eternal struggle of untapped kegs versus the guys who have been drinking all day was always entertaining. The tap wouldn’t be sealed or they’d have it on crooked or the beer would be pouring way too fast (all forms of alcohol abuse btw). They’d struggle with it for a few minutes as the crowd would grow anxious (and at times I even heard some slurs as well). I could see the frustration just about tip (plus it would be about the time I’d start getting thirsty) when I’d mentioned this:

“Hey guys, my step-dad works for Budweiser, you want me to tap those kegs?”

I usually received cheers and a few jealous snide remarks as I saved the party (I also felt like Jeremy Piven in PCU after he tapped the kegs and silenced the “chips” chant-get it now?). If I really liked the people throwing the party I’d even bring over the CO2 tap passed down to me from my step-dad (you didn’t have to pump it, amazing). Funny thing about that tap is that when I tried to return it the only response I got from my step-dad went something like this:

“So I let (Radio Edit) borrow this tap for a number of years at UC and it gets returned to me without a scratch. And you have it for one year at Witt and it’s destroyed?”

I only had one answer:

“Yeah, sorry, my friends like to party.”

I didn’t say that but he would have laughed if I did (I mean he’s the beer man, he’s awesome). It is true though, my friends did like to party. We didn’t half-ass it by any means (ask the woman with the machete who wanted to shut down our backyard concert/kegger-she could of just called and complained). I’ve seen this trait develop over the years from simple big screen porn on during high school parties to the unfortunate demise of the tap to now my fight with BMD, I have trouble half-assing anything.

Sure this has gotten me into trouble (the Commonwealth of Kentucky can attest to that) but it’s also what I believe will get me through this. Don’t get me wrong even today I get into trouble because I want to go so hard (or H.A.M) and beat this BMD by outworking it. This can backfire though and I can lost in the details around me and then the big picture (being healthy) gets compromised because I feel left behind in the other aspects of my life (career, social, and well just trying to get laid I guess-I kid, I kid). Don’t get it confused though I am grateful that I don’t half-ass this diagnosis or much in my life but it does get tough to explain my actions at time. The beer man and that damn cop on a bicycle in Covington can back that up for me.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 45

That evil inside me. . .

I can feel it ever so lightly. . .

To deal with the craziness I like to find rhymes in my mind

Piecing together the puzzle of madness before I run out of time

But somehow the puzzle feels like a show for the angels above

Doing the impossible by unimaginable feats all in the name of love

Trying to tight walk that fine line I've been known to speak of

I can feel it ever so lightly. . .

That evil inside me. . .

Now I'm in the second act and the end is definitely near

Where my life gets flipped from the light and I get lost in fear

The evil takes control of me and there's nothing I can do

Lucky for me my madness arrives in time to play too

Now I've lost my ability of knowing what's fantasy and true

That evil inside me. . .

I can feel it ever so lightly. . .

Here's the end of the show, the final piece of the puzzle to be told

And despite all that you've done I still fight, refusing to fold

Even when I know the reason we lost our little brother was you

But instead of fear it gave me a new purpose to defeat you

So run and hide inside, when you're ready I'll be right here waiting for you

I can feel it ever so lightly. . .

That evil inside me. . .

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 44

It seems as of late I’ve been catching a lot of those little inspiration/life lesson quips across the World Wide Web. You know the ones I’m talking about, they say something along the lines of “Be nice to everyone because everyone is fighting some kind of battle” or “It takes one to know one”. The one that really hits home for me though is “When you assume you make an ass out of you and me.”

The reason that one hits home is that it reminds me of something pretty damn funny, and of course I’m talking about my sex life (I’m already laughing just thinking about it). So I’m nearing the end of my hoop earring phase in my life and due to my fifth year of eligibility at the bars (oh and Witt) I’m spending a lot of time “chasing tail” (I said that last night at my alcohol class and got a big response so I figured I’d drop in it here). One of these nights on the chase I was successful.

I of course am going to protect the identity of this young lady however I will say she was not a Tiger but rather a townie, hence the reason it wasn’t too hard to pick her up (oh Browntown ladies I kid I kid). After the bar we proceed to take a drive in the Jeep (it’s summer so the top is down, derr) but a little into our drive my passenger decides she’d rather see what’s going on behind us so naturally the best view is sitting on top of me facing the other direction (only makes sense right). So I’m trying to watch the road and shift gears (in more ways than one) and take mental notes for this awesome story.

Needless to say we decided to stop to chat and get to know each other better (no, that’s a lie) but was chased out of the cul-de-sac by somebody watching (or calling the cops, not sure as I was obviously distracted) so we needed an exhibitionist location to conclude what’s adding up to be my best performance of my young “chasing tail” experience. I decided it would be a good idea to finish up somewhere romantic and under the stars, like my parents yard (Mom, I’m sorry but now that I think about it I’m probably the reason the neighbors don’t really like us).

On our way back to drop her off and for me to not brag whatsoever to my friends about the awesomeness that just happened. I started getting a little cocky (shocker I know) and after the sexcapades (like that word don’t ya) I felt pretty damn good. Being in this state of overconfidence I asked, despite already assuming the answer was going to be great:

“So, how was it?”

She replies without a hint of hesitation:

“Eh, I give it about a 5.”

Hahahahaha I still laugh at that, talk about making an ass out of myself from making assumptions. The same principle can be applied to the troubles I’m having right now with this BMD. It had been about 9 months of feeling pretty positively optimistic. I think I got a little overconfident due to the success I was having with the lithium and the lack of the Big D in my life. I think I knew this winter was going to be tough due to it lining up in the two year pattern I’ve experienced with my mania, but once again I made an ass out of myself.

I honestly just assumed that I’d be able to get through this winter without much of a problem. I obviously wasn’t naive in thinking this was going to be breeze to get through but I definitely thought it’d be easier than the time I’ve been having. I’m not going to quit just because it’s more difficult than I originally thought or because I’m not quite as good at it as I thought. But I’m still learning how to deal with this all and it’s become quite evident I still have a lot to learn, apparently pretty similar to when I “chase tail”.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 3 Issue 43

Does it seem like this to anyone else but whenever I’m single I get no love from the ladies and it seems as soon as I start dating someone all of a sudden I’m hot shit (or at least I like to think so). But it does feel like as soon as I’m unavailable there’s this sudden interest in me from the opposite sex. I’ve always been somewhat baffled by this because I’m pretty sure I haven’t changed in the short time it took from being pathetic and single to suddenly the hottest commodity (I know that doesn’t make sense because a commodity is the same no matter what so there can’t be the “hottest” if everything’s the same but it’s just a damn figure of speech, get over it) on the market. Well this past week I think I figured it out:

Women see other women with a man and think that they are missing out on something and want that something that’s not theirs. While when a single guy comes around women automatically think there must be something wrong with him or some other woman would already have him.

I know, I just got all “What Women Want” on ya (I’ll admit it, Helen Hunt is pretty smokin’ in that movie) but I think I’m on to something here, and it makes me laugh. I think that’s the whole point for me right now, laughing. When I’m fighting the Big D it’s about the last thing on my mind and the last thing I do. It really sucks because I really love to laugh, and when I don’t I really don’t feel like me. What got me thinking about what women want was my attempts to break out of this funk.

I was thinking (ok that’s a lie, I was moping) earlier this week about my single status on my facebook page. I was getting a little desperate I’ll admit it; the thought of trying my luck online again may have crossed my mind. But then a commercial for eHarmony came on and reminded me of a couple things.

Number one is that this guy on the commercial was explaining in detail how he was looking for this connection. Going into an elaborate explanation about what he’s looking for and how he’s in search of his soul mate and finding something lasting and really digging into his inner girl. This didn’t make me feel good about my chances because I write about old man’s penises.

Secondly, well to be honest I haven’t gotten past the old man penis thing, but I’m working on it. I think the important thing for me right now is to stop pushing so hard. When I get into my depression all I can think about is getting out as soon as possible. I concentrate all my energy on breaking out of my funk and trying to be myself. I’m finding out though that when I don’t push as hard and just let it be I start finding laughter in my life again (which eventually pulls me out of the Big D).

I’ve started laughing and finding my life again this week and it’s more than likely attributed to my apparent complete lack of understanding in women. This lack of understanding makes me laugh and that’s something I haven’t been doing lately, I forgot how much fun it was not to hate the world (damn do I hate you depression). Luckily I was only fighting it for a few weeks which is a ton better than a few months (simple math folks). I’m not pushing as hard and I’m starting to see the comedy in my life again, I mean it’s everywhere and especially in my dating life (see my “What Women Want” reference above) but at least I can laugh about it (despite my epic loneliness, I kid I kid).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK