Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 5 Issue 5

It’s so good to see you! I know it’s been forever hasn’t it? What have I been up to you ask?

Well in the past six months or so I’ve lost a few lbs (the chunky look just doesn’t work for me), been on a few dates (just a few but dammit it’s a start) and wrote a novel titled Maniac Manifesto (it’s a self-realization story about a revealing journey into a psychotic mind). No big deals.

Don’t worry I have Facebook so I know what’s going in your life. Oh I almost forgot if you were at the Bengals game on Monday night and happen to catch the Jumbotron I was up there too. I backed it up on my unassuming and unaware stepsister (her fiancé was pretty cool with it) and then did the robot (best dancer in the club). I did all this while showing support to my favorite underdog; Andrew Hawkins (that means I was rockin’ his jersey through my public dance routines).

I usually go with a fairly popular Who Dey when selecting my jersey for the year (at least I don’t paint my face for games, I gave that shit up in high school man). Palmer, Johnson, Dillon, Houshmandzadeh (championship) but I’ve been feeling like an underdog this year.

Could it be that I still reside in a converted corn crib covered in asbestos, mold in the shower, termite damage, leaking house? More than likely.

Could it be that after a year of searching for a job and even Oakley’s outlet store says no thank you? Probably.

Could it be I played a summer soccer league and only got hurt playing a high schooler in pick-up basketball? No idea but that did suck.

Could it be in the past week I’ve lost my credit card (in my wallet) and my wallet (in the trash truck)? Not really but I still feel real dumb for those moves.

I mean the list could go on and on but we haven’t talked in six months and who wants to hear me bitching (although when I should call it venting because it sounds so much more pleasant). It’s also not like I’m unfamiliar with getting knocked down, just always looking for a reason to get back up. Last week my reason was brought to me in a sense.

Despite a bomb ass (if you don’t mind me saying so myself) book review from the Director of Communications at NAMI I still get no love working with them. This being the case I try to take it upon myself to get out there and educate (ok I just like being the center of attention from time to time) people through talking about my BMD. I had a chance to do this at a Witt freshmen class after the professor asked them to read some of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. 

Put me up in the middle of people with their attention and really no rules (I said the f word, don’t tell their parents) and I take full advantage. I really enjoy it because the students, usually a few minutes in, are comfortable enough to ask me just about anything, and it not only helps them but also me. At the end of the class I met with a student that shares my fate.

She was an underdog just like me and it rejuvenated me talking with her. My so called shitty (I guess underdog sounds better) life didn’t seem to matter anymore. I could relate to her in a way that’s kind of addicting, in a way that makes me want to do it more. 

So I’m back, feeling good and looking not nearly as chunky (maybe that had something to do with the dates) what more could I ask for?

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 5 Issue 4

Lights come up slowly to reveal the Lombardi living room where Michael and Lombardi are found.

Michael: “An abnormal psychology professor stands in front of his classroom and lectures about mental health symptoms to his class. Sensing a lack of engagement in the material he tests the class with a question. A subject is pacing furiously back and forth while screaming at their top of their lungs one minute and then sits stoically and solemnly alone without muttering a sound the next. What is this person? A few seconds past when a hand appears in the back and exclaims: A football coach!”

A moment passes with Michael and Lombardi frozen in anticipation when suddenly.

Lombardi: “Hahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahaha.”

The entire playhouse erupts in laughter, it was the biggest and best punch line in the entire play. Well I thought watching two fairly feminine actors play football players that get in a brawl with each other in the locker-room was pretty funny. I seriously just wanted them to kiss each other as they went toe-to-toe, the sexual tension in the place was out of control.

Ok, that’s a little harsh on my end, I’m just venting from the mental health joke. I mean seriously we had to go to coaches being crazy to be funny? That’s not played out or anything. The good thing is they didn’t try to go back to the well with that joke or anything. Oh except the very next scene when Lombardi is butchering the joke (I took liberties as well but the joke is still coherent) while “retelling” it to his alcoholic wife. By the way Vince, if you were crazy you would have probably remembered the joke, we tend to have higher intellects.

I know that’s enough cheap shots at Lombardi, he can’t defend himself now and plus he was a devout catholic that went to Mass every day and said God Damn only 40 times in the 96 minute play. That was the last one I promise. I actually did enjoy the play of Lombardi and that’s not only because it’s the only one I’ve ever been to. Unless you count that one high school play I attended but I was only there because my buddy was dating a palm tree in it or something. Actually I think it was Oklahoma so she was a wagon wheel.

To be honest I didn’t learn much about Lombardi because I had already seen a HBO special over him and they usually bring the heat with those things. It doesn’t matter how far into the “The Rivalry: Michigan vs. Ohio State” I still watch that son of bitch to this day. There was a little bit of an evil side (I’m so deep ya know) though to me during the play in that I kind of wanted see someone screw up. I just wanted to see what would happened if one of the football players like tackled the wrong person or better yet fell down. I just like to watch people’s reactions to screwing up I guess, life ain’t perfect and it’s fun to be there when people are reminded of that.

Don’t worry no one dropped the ball and if they did they all covered so well I couldn’t tell. Overall I really enjoyed the show though, I mean aside from the crazy joke. I don’t why but it just pissed me off that they even included the joke in the play, it really didn’t have anything to do with anything. Other than I guess making me go off of this God Damn (shout out Lombardi) tangent right now and it’s actually been kind of fun.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of humanity (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 5 Issue 3

So I spent about a week or so in January working on a piece for Witt’s website around a first person perspective on the current conversation around mental health and the need to change it. I thought it was a pretty solid effort on my end and here’s some of the highlights:

·         I don’t think there’s one right or wrong way to try and live with a severe mental health issue like bipolar disorder, but I do think there is a way. That may not sound like much of a breakthrough to you but dammit that’s like a huge revelation for me.

·         I know it’s crazy to think that these mental health stereotypes and stigma will ever cease to exist and I’ve obviously made peace with that per the previous really bad word play.  

·         It’s all around us so go be a hipster and check out Daniel Johnston’s documentary on VHS, how about being even more ironic and listening to a Beethoven  hit or two just for pleasure, or maybe just stare at a Catherine Zeta-Jones picture for a few minutes, not to mention Van Gogh’s aren’t too hard on the eyes either. Oh I don’t know, like say, I’m really getting into Demi Lovato’s sound right now and you should too.  Actually, just ignore that last one but you all get the point.  I hope I have persuaded you to help and try and change the current conversation out there about mental health; I think we all need that. 

I’m not sure if you’d call those highlights but they were my jokes that were cut out of the final edit of my op-ed piece (is it still in my voice if nearly 25% of it is removed during edits?). Look I know my humor isn’t for everyone and that was made obvious by an early critic who believed the only person who could benefit from my book was a recently frat boy diagnosed with bipolar disorder (harsh, right). But I kind of feel like that’s who I am and the whole point of the article.

I should be fair and say it wasn’t a terrible article afterwards and I definitely could have gave the OK to the article (and did for like an hour) to let it run. I mean overall it was still a pretty good article aside from it not really sounding like me. I think there still was a valid message in the article about the need to get away from stereotypes and stigma currently in the mental health conversation but it just didn’t sound like me.

Let’s be honest, I don’t have a lot in my life right now that’s purely mine. Not money or job, nor career, no house, nein girlfriend and the list could go on but who doesn’t have problems (hell Russia is already stockpiling snow for the Olympics next year by making orphans shovel it instead of being adopted in the US-now I see how some don’t get my humor). Right now though my voice is one of the few things that I believe is truly mine and I’d like to hang on to it.

You know being an indie writer with literally tens of books sold I should jump at any opportunity for some press. But my whole point of the article was to have people look at mental health differently. Looking through a creative lens rather than one that seems to be only filled with stigma. So it just didn’t feel right putting something out there that wasn’t really me, in fact, that sounds exactly like what I was trying to change.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 5 Issue 2

I don’t trust a grown man in whitey tighties, I just don’t. I always wondered what kind of circumstances a man would have to endure throughout his life into adulthood that would make him want to freely wear whitey tighties? But then again I’ve always been too nervous to ask my grandfather as well. It’s probably something I don’t really understand but involves a lot of cats (or maybe cat videos on YouTube). See I switched out of whitey tighties by at least the eighth grade (nerd alert!). But my transition through men’s underwear garments after that went pretty quickly. Before my sophomore year I had switched to boxers and have recently transitioned into boxers with the elastic waistbands (best of both worlds).

In case you’ve gotten the image of your grandfather in whitey tighties out of your head I wanted to remind you of that before moving on (or put it in if you hadn’t had it).

Almost like it was planned in order for this post to move on I’m going to have to go to the past. Oh not very far in the past but just a few months back around the beginning of summer. I was talking to an old tall college buddy for the first time in years and catching up. It was great to hear from my sister (GCU inside joke) and how well he and his family were doing. That’s a pretty common theme with all my friends; you know a normal life that moves on.

That something fairly recent I’m noticing that I’m going to have to try to learn to live with and that’s watching a lot of others move on with their lives around me. Sure it’s a little tough when it doesn’t feel like I’m moving on but you know I’m overall happy because these peeps are my family and friends. However a couple weeks back I kind of got blindsided and it wasn’t pretty.

So to backtrack again back to my tall college sister’s conversation with me and something he said that kind of resonated with me:

“I know you probably can’t see it because you’re in the trenches taking grenades but you’re doing something pretty special…” then he started talking about his kids or wife so I zoned out (I kid, I kid).

Well a couple weeks back while successfully being the wrong candidate for a job in A-Town I must of took a gay bomb in those trenches because I…

(Haha I’m probably the only one who thinks that joke is funny.) But seriously finding out that a few of the finer examples of mankind (that was really sarcastic they’re actually dicks) that I hadn’t seen in five years were getting to move on with their lives, and it felt like I wasn’t felt like, well I can’t think of anything clever so it felt shitty.

It took me a couple weeks to kind of get over it and try to deal with it I guess. Sure I’m jealous-much (well just a little jealous but I feel I haven’t introduced new slang in awhile) when I see others moving on with their lives around me but I am usually happy (I’m not perfect) for them. Man seeing some of these real stand up guys (sarcasm again) get to move on with their lives when I don’t think they deserve it was just shitty.

But I think (and probably hope more than a little bit) that I’m just in a transition going on with me and it’s tough to see because I’m taking grenades and southern gay bombs like left and right. Maybe as much as I wanted a resemblance of my old life before the BMD diagnosis it probably isn’t going to happen. I don’t think that means my life is going to be worse than it was before and honestly I’m not real sure what it’s going to look like now. I’m pretty positive though I’m not going to be the grandfather with just whitey tighties on, but a banana hammock could be fun.

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 5 Issue 1

So to begin the New Year instead of making a resolution to make changes and better myself I’m going to bitch about others (so ‘Merica of me I know). Seeing how I’ve been feeling rather shitty lately due to the depression I haven’t been very active. In fact I’ve read more books in the past couple weeks than in the whole previous year (that was only like one any ways). I’d squeeze my reading in between lulls in college football because everyone and God is watching the bowls you know.

Now it’s already been fairly well documented on this blog that I’m not real religious and don’t really get the traditions and what not. For instance the other day I was watching “student-athletes” play in a bowl game and after a player, let’s say an outside linebacker, comes up and makes a good play to stop the ball carrier at the line of scrimmage he does this move:

(If you’re playing at home that’s the first movie reference with video for .e4. I admit I’m still getting the hang of it so you can just go to 38 seconds to get to the punch line for this joke).

Although I’m pretty sure he wasn’t referring to Austin Powers and more likely was thanking his Christian God for making it 2^nd and 10. Never mind that the play, which just lasted a whole five seconds or so is not even a cosmic asshole wink in the grand scheme of the Universe (or that it was first down for that matter) but it’s fascinating the player's belief that God cares more about him making the tackle than he does for the ball carrier (who happened to be a really nice fellow I'm told). So this got me intrigued with the whole spectacles testicles wallet and watch routine so I did some investigating (like I said I’m in depression and will do anything to pass the time).

What I found out (other than if you don’t do it in baseball before an at-bat your sabermetrics drop in all four of the major offensive MVP categories…nah I made that shit up) is that the “sign of the cross” is not merely used in Catholicism but other Christian branches (there went my joke about the outside linebacker not looking like he went to Mass regularly) and it’s a sign to open communication between yourself and God (he must have AT&T too because it’s awful in the country).

Speaking of speaking to God, I’ve been cursing Him a little bit lately (we have that kind of open loving relationship) because I’ve been feeling pretty terrible. This makes me get frustrated in the many aspects of my life that I’m finding unfulfilled and insignificant because of my depression and which I thus place blame on God for giving me bipolar disorder. The only problem is that I wasn’t getting any kind of response, not even when I dropped the F-Bomb. After the research session I think I know what the problem is now, I wasn't doing the testicles wallet and watch thing so he probably couldn't hear me. I'm going to change and try it next time so I guess there's one unexpected New Year's Resolution after all.

The only real problem with all this is that I’m not Christian so…depression you strike again ; damn you!!!

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 4 Issue 34

I kind of pride myself on white elephant gift giving; I did have to learn the hard way though. My first Christmas in Denver my team at AT&Tizzle had a white elephant and I took it serious (the only one who did by the way). Needless to have to explain in any detail but my gift made me more than not look like a tool.  After that experience I committed to go balls deep when it comes to white elephant gifts.

A Couple of Family White Elephant Gift Highlights:

2010: Grandma received a gift certificate to the Lion’s Den

2012: The family shared the King Cobra and 10 sack of White Castles (I’m not telling who bashed the burgers but they definitely got eaten)

Well Shit, I totally forget where I was going with that…

Well I’m sure it was something corny like don’t be too quick to judge a shitty gift or something. Like for instance that Lion’s Den gift card I think got stolen so many times no one is really sure who ended up with it (although Poncho seemed pretty happy for awhile after that Xmas). Even the King Cobra and White Castles were a hit, well the 40 not so much but those burgers definitely didn’t make it very long (so why do White Castles have five holes? Because it takes 5 BB’s to kill a rat).

Back when I was a Coloradoian, Coloradonite; when I was living in Denver I totally missed the point of the white elephant. I mean I’m pretty sure I was that lame person that bought a DVD I wanted so I could steal it back (ok I definitely was). I soon realized the whole point of the shitty gift is the game involved and really had nothing to do with the gift at all (confession: I totally wanted that Lion’s Den gift certificate though).

In a roundabout way what I think I’m getting to is that I’ve been feeling pretty crappy lately. Yes there maybe global warming going on but winter has returned and Big D has come right along with it. Although I’m getting better at recognizing the symptoms because this time it only took me like two days of wanting to walk out into the middle of a cornfield and quit trying before I realized that was just that depression bullshit messing with me.

Since then I’ve still been having my troubles from time to time but I think I’m handling ol’ dick Big D (that’s my new nickname for it) pretty well. I’m sure he’ll be back with a vengeance at some point in the near future but like my doc’s have reminded me that there’s no cure for BMD (so I’ll just deal with it).

I suppose to try and wrap this thing up (get it?) I’d say that as bad as ol’ dick Big D can be its just part of what I’ve been given with this BMD. Even on the days I feel pretty cruddy I can usually at least write some for my book or whatever and it makes me feel better. That’s probably why I’m starting to look at it with a real familiarity to a shitty white elephant gift, in that at first as bad as it can seem it can still be pretty great (corniness achieved).

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK

Life full of mania with a dash of humor and a slice of normality (those are the secret ingredients) Vol 4 Issue 33

This is a turbulent and dynamic time in politics all across the world. There’s the Muslim Summer, wait that’s wrong; Arab Winter; no that’s not right either. Well in any case there’s been a ton of people in the Middle East trying to be free. Europe is on the brink of a catastrophic economic breakdown (and the Germans aren’t too pleased about it; which has never been good for history). China and Russia are well, China and Russia. Finally the political atmosphere right here in our own country is on a fiscal cliff of intolerant partisan bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit have you ever seen those commercials about a certain anti-psychotic by the name of Abilify? You probably have and just zoned it out, I mean you’re not psychotic right (maybe you are, you know that I’m not judging though). I know before episode Uno I always just zoned out during those drug commercials that had no relevance to my life. I pay a little closer attention now, especially when it comes to side effects.

Abilify Side Effects:

·         fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats;

·         jerky muscle movements you cannot control;

·         sudden numbness or weakness, headache, confusion, or problems with vision, speech, or balance;

·         fever, chills, body aches, flu symptoms, sores in your mouth and throat;

·         increased thirst or urination, loss of appetite, fruity breath odor, drowsiness, dry skin, nausea, and vomiting;

·         seizure (convulsions);

·         thoughts of hurting yourself;

·         feeling like you might pass out;

·         jaundice (yellowing of your skin or eyes); or

·         urinating less than usual or not at all.

I like to drink that all in from time to time because this drug (and its side effects) is approved by the FDA (that’s our intolerant partisan bullshit government I referred to earlier). A doctor can legally prescribe you to take the double recommended daily dosage of 15mg and the side effects that accompany it (yeah I was on 30mg which is the last dosage that has been “safely” tested in a clinical trial; makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside). I experienced a majority of these side effects and I will say I really didn’t have any favorites.

So I was going to list the side effects of lithium (the drug I’m on now) here but while looking them all up  from the world wide web I found this gem of a warning from a respected medical website (no I’m not naming names):

Lithium can cause side effects that may impair your thinking or reactions. Be careful if you drive or do anything that requires you to be awake and alert.

Looks like I have to stop writing (and basically living life) and continue to try and live and write later when I don’t need to be awake and ale...

Since many of my manic experiences involve music I’ve decided to add random music videos to the blog for my enjoyment and your inconvenience. Enjoy!

Coming Correct,

d01roK